THE BRITISH THREAD II

I like the Four Seasons too, although they were only white guys.

Astonishing to reflect that, when the Satins recorded that film, the only way they could have been in that club was to work in the kitchens or to perform on the stage.

It was astonishing I agree. I was really astonished myself. I'm even more astonished that it has been remembered. I had completely forgotten about it.

Spendy, you miserable nitpicking excuse for a git. Were you born like that, or did you achieve it all by yourself later?

How am I supposed to know the answer to a daft question like that?

I'm a creature of my experience.

And I had nothing to do with the planning of any of that. Where I was when I popped out of the vaginal orifice amid much puffing and blowing, I'm told, it would never have entered my head to look left and then right and then left again before crossing the road. Tits were all I was interested in. And sleeping in warm cots.

Are you criticising our educational system Mac or just that part of it you were denied access to?

They should use the above post in ante-natal leaflets...

You will blow and puff, then your baby will pop out of the vaginal orifice.

I'm astonished that my experience of giving birth wasn't like that...

x

Mornin' everyone!

Woke up this morning with a stinking cold. Given to me by the plague-ridden staff I share an office with. Who were too afraid to take time off sick as they had used their allocated sick days, to phone in on Monday mornings when suffering from hangovers.

Not that I'm bitter.

x

Morning, Sarah.

So, this plague-ridden staff drink on weekends to forget they are plague-ridden?

I think they drink to forget they are civil servants.

I don't want to go to work today, I feel terrible, not just the sniffles, but achy and shivery. But I can't inflict my appointments on top of their own, even though it regularly happens to me. Must be an age thing, I feel too responsible. It's always the younger element that have mucho sicko.

I sound really moany today, sorry.

x

I'd go to work and make a point of sneezing all over the boss if I were you, smorgs. If you can work your way up the managerial line during the day, they'll all be taking sickies next week and anarchy can take over your office for a while.

Up the revolution.

Just listening to radio 4 which has some posh bird who's probably never had the worry of whether her previous pay cheque will last until the end of the month, spouting on about how terrible it is that people take out high interest loans in order to cover their other debts.
This brought to mind the adverts featuring Carol Vorderman, where she seems to be recommending that people in financial difficulties should do just that, for only something like 19% APR. I hope she sleeps soundly at night.
Don't get me wrong, as I quite like our gorgeous countdown Carol, and am sure that I could definitely supply her with an adequate solution within the given 30 seconds, given the chance, but I think she lacks a bit of judgement by agreeing to appear in adverts like that.

She's been castigated before for appearing in those heinous adverts. More like 29% APR.

Never liked her...

She went all thin and glam, left her husband, started wearing ridiculously too young dresses, showing off her detox-deflated tits, wearing more make-up than Dame Edna, she would go to the opening of an envelope.

She's not my favourite person.

There's a porn site for men with a penchant for clever women. But really it's just yer average porn stars with glasses on!

So I hear anyway.

Sorry for being mean to Carol, but she deserves it.

x

Yes she's a twat, a very numerate one.

That word was T*W*A*T

I still would, though....

There's definitely something about these jewish ladies. I even fancied wassername, a few years back, her what wrote the porn and did it with John Major.
So having to choose between Carol Vorderman and Nigella Lawson for a quickie behind the shed, who would it be?

Nigella Lawson? Stuck up bag.

I watched a bit of her programme the other day and almost immediately felt like throwing the cat at the telly. She had just come home from a pleasant soiree somewhere near Sloane Square, as you do, and fancied a snack before bed. She opted for something which everyone considers rustling up when they're drunk and knackered, which was half a ton of cream put into a suacepan, into which was melted a pile of chocolate and a few pounds of sugar, and the whole lot bought to the boil. Meanwhile she took four croissants out of her Harrod's bread bin, broke them up and placed them into a roasting dish. She then poured the entire 8000 calory content of the saucepan over the croissants and put them in the oven to bake for 20 or so minutes.
Naturally, I immediately went to the website to get the recipe, as I just knew it would be the ideal thing to rustle up for the lads when we stagger in from the pub of a friday night. So much easier than getting a bag and a pickle from the chippy.

you mean...this means...

you are a WOMAN?

Thought carol was a Catholic?

Pair of filthy buggers!

You still would?

Men 'still would' with anything that was willing and you thought you wouldn't get caught...

I reckon Edwina's a real goer.

If you could get past the awful hair-do and the salmonella thing.

Wonder if she goes to work on an egg?

x

Yes, I am WOMAN (hear me roar)

Now put it away, stevie, baby.

x

I phoned in sick after all that winging this morning.

It's an altruistic gesture though...

I don't like the thought of the public catching my germs. Then they wouldn't be able to seek work. I think it's far better if I have a Lemsip and go to John Lewis and have a cup of tea and one of those posh open sandwhiches they do. I've always wondered why sandwhiches cost more with no lid? Might have a good browse of the make-up too, and buy some buttons and a crochet hook (really). It's better than lying in my pit, watching day time TV and feeling sorry for myself, don't you think?

Might make shephardic pie for tea.

With beetroot and red cabbage.

And crusty expensive bread.

Aren't you supposed to feed a cold?

x

Talking of cooking, I cooked porridge this morning


Taking several handfuls of porridge oats, I mixed it with some skimmed milk and brought to the boil. (It was supposed to be 45g and 240ml respectively, but lacking any cullinary instrumentation, I guessed). Started getting a bit thick so added more milk. (repeated 3 times). Transfered to larger pan. Seemed like it was lacking porridge so added some. Simmered for 5 minutes and viola...a delicious bowl of porridge. And some left. Am reminded of the parable of the loaves and fishes, but in my version Jesus brings enough to feed 5000 but only one turns up.

(I went to a gammar school where boys were not encouraged to cook or play association football)