THE BRITISH THREAD II

So...all you Brits must be out enjoying yourselves, there's no-one posting here.
Well, only me.
I've just come back from the shops, on foot, where I was getting some groceries.
Fascinating, huh.

Got some lovely photos from friends who were sailing in the Baltic...we met them last year on another tall ship voyage. The Danes and others seem to have a lot of very interesting old craft- maybe the Baltic is a bit kinder to old vessels than are the Atlantic and North Sea. They went from Norway to Finland, Estonia, Denmark and Sweden. Great trip.

Speaking of feet I got off mine for most of the day watching England play India at Edgebaston whilst reading most of a book by Bertrand Russell about whether anything meant anything or not. I've not finished it yet and if the ending is any good I'll let you all know if I can remember.

What a thrilling time you must be having!

Listen **** for brains! My contention regarding this illegal war with Iraq is well documented. William Hague who endorsed the decision made by Tony at Blundering Bush's behest had a very strong letter from me regarding this little lot when he was leader of the opposition!

The whole lot was a big con, and it opened a can of worms better left fastened, as is very plain to see right now!

You, you bloody gormless floundering dick-head are stuck for a defence in relation to your smoking problems and the ruination of the British Pub, along with the way of life it has all but destroyed with it! They are falling down faster than bloody skittles! A few are making ridiculous attempts at turning them into 'eating houses' I ask you! Bloody spending two hundred and fifty grand to do one up, with a flash kitchen and charging £12..99p for fish and chips with bloody processed peas, not even a snigger to endorse a way of British life with the old mushy's!

I took the wife to a place called Euxton yesterday, The Railway a reconditioned pub it were bloody ridiculous! £12..99p for fish and chips with processed peas, Fourteen pounds for two pieces of chicken on a bed of cress and spinach, with a sole spud and organic green beans I had a word with the landlord who was admiring a flash newly decked out exterior area with railings, fancy outside tables, chairs, enormous white brollies and electric heaters fastened to them securely, meeting the health and safety requirements no doubt. Ashtrays on every table. For the smokers he said! Not a solitary soul was sat there, the ash tray nearest the entrance to the pub had one half fag dashed out in it, obviously some jerk having a quick drag between car and restaurant. I pissed myself, I said the bloody smokers are at home, lay on their f'ing sofas supping out of date John Smith extra smooth! He didn't understand. The fish and chips will be going up again, to try and recover another twenty five grands-worth of **** for smokers who won't even sit there in winter especially. My Auntie Eileen had Eileens chippy near Belle Vue for over forty years! Fish like bloody whales for pence. Six of chips and two penneth of peas, you didn't need anything else if you could down that lot.

It's a government ploy of some sort Spendi! Stop the men collectively gathering in the pubs and talking about treason and such dangerous antics!

Get your balls on the table mate, your lying down like white feather dick-heads from the top to the bottom of the bloody country.

Yawn...

Its 20 past two,
Theres no one in the place cept me and you
So set em up joe
I got a little story I think you oughtta know

Were drinking my friend
To the end of a brief episode
So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

That's my favourite Frankie, btw.

x

What's that got to do with the price of fish? Oh, I see, fish is expensive. Well we learnt yesterday that meat is going up in price too, because of the price of animal feed, which is caused by the bad weather, which is caused by Spendy complaining.

Good job I'm on a diet, so for the forseeable future I won't be describing any nice meals to you. I've lost three pounds in two days, target a stone and a half or 21 lbs to the uninitiated.

why do Brits insist on plotting their body weight in stone? Wasnt this a weight system first used for potatoes?

Three furlongs in a trice, five bushels in a jeraboam, and fourteen pounds in a stone.
It's simple.

besides all that nonsensical bullshit, my question was WHY? not what (

Because we choose to...

We are BRITISH!

It is not in your best interests to question us further on the matter.


x

Haha!

You're kidding, right?

.
And that, dear readers , is almost verbatim from MArk Twain.

.
My scientific calculator doesnt have a "STONE" function.

Downright ridiculous if you ask me, talking about each other as big sacks of potatoes.

No more ridiculous than calling your arse a 'fanny'!

It has entirely different connotations to us Brits.

x

We use "stones" because the thought of a lady of 11 or 12 stone, or even 14 or 15, does give a vague impression of manageability whereas 154 or 168 pounds, or even 196 or 210, gives a sense of a slippery mass of wobbly jelly, if you think about a pound of tomatoes, which most stones might think twice about taking on.

Men decided these matters years ago. Bushels and pecks is another example.

Everybody knows that there are 12 ounces in an apothecaries' pound and 8 drams in an ounce and 3 scruples in a dram and 20 grains in a scruple so a lady of 210 pounds would have 60,480 scruples each with 20 grains, possibly of sand, and that's a lot of scruples. Nobody knows how many scruples a 15 stone lady has but from my experience it's a lot less than that.

And with 24 grains equalling one pennyweight it sounds a lot cheaper.

And one bundle= 2 reams which is 40 quires and that's 960 sheets and that's a lot of washing assuming basic minimum standards of hygiene.

Thanks God I'd bought a cheap booklet (half dollar it was, I think - 2s6d that is, a farthing, half a crown, for the young ignorants) where I could look such nonsense up .... now the internet offers some even cheaper and faster help.

Spendius, I can smell you from here and it ain't pleasant!

And my answer is

Why not?

We've not met, right?

Not so ridiculous, my friend, when you actually see some of us Brits.

DP wrote-



A friend of mine once asked me to look after his pet Billy-goat whilst he was away for a fortnight. We tethered it to a firmly driven in stake with a rope about 200 ft long so that it as much freedom as is conducive to its security.

After about a week I noticed an obnoxious odour which grew worse on an hourly basis. When my friend returned I enquired what was the cause of the by then exceedingly foul stench. He explained that when Billy-goats can't get at females they send this odoriferous signal out so that the females can come to them. It seems females can detect this "love-call" over long distances on the leeward side.

I don't think the odour is meant to be pleasant. Penetration is the key principle. It hung about for weeks after the goat was removed and in certain weather conditions could still be detected months afterwards.

We laugh about it now but at the time it wasn't all that funny.

Perhaps the principle works in cyberspace as well. You may have made an earth-shaking scientific discovery Dottie.

Smells like Brit spirit to me...

I love this thread - so sarcastic.

What I want to know is, is anyone here calling me fat?

If so, you can all eff off! I'm just big boned.

x

...in fact I'm built like a gazelle!

A fat one, but never the less...

x