Empathy, Compassion, and "Walking in Another's Shoes" on A2K

Good point about the sensitivity level of some folks, Caribou. I've often seen newbies especially take offense at something that was not meant to be offensive at all. The old-timers generally get to know each other's quirks quite well and will not take offense. Just this morning Gus Ratzenhofer told Bu-Polar Bear to go f*** himself and called Bear an 'a-hole.' It was so obviously meant as a joke because Bear had just complimented Gus on his on-line decorum. The two are cyber-friends. But, technically, of course, that would count as a personal attack.

I'm apparently one of the few on this thread who isn't familiar with the to-do which has brought on all the commentary. I gather from your post, Caribou, the Dyslexia was somehow involved. Dys is one of my favorite people on A2K (and was so on Abuzz back in the old days). He is very honest and forthright about his opinions and his feelings. He does not mince words. I respect him for that.

There is no excuse for an unwarranted attack by one member on another, I agree. On the other hand, if we all have to start pussyfooting and getting oh-so-sensitive about the feelings of posters whom we consider to be horses' behinds, the site loses its unique character and charm. Within certain basic limits of civilized behavior, A2K is a place of honest give-and-take. If someone doesn't like an answer, perhaps he/she should reconsider the wisdom of having asked the question.

Well, now i'm thoroughly confused. I clicked on Dys' name, to try to find the offensive posts, but failed--or rather, got bored before i found what i thought people might have taking about. Then i clicked on Wandel's name to see what the flap was about with his first posts--and came up confused again. Osso talks about "FB," but it was only "LR" that i saw being a jerk, and he was actually less "jerky" than he usually is.

So, i come back here, and i see Caribou's post. So i click on her name (is she a her?) and find a thread in which TTH is going after her hammer and tongs. Now, i don't know the provenance of any dispute between them, but there is no doubt in my mind that TTH launched a personal attack on Caribou in that thread. One good sign of someone who has lost it is when, without context, they drag in a grievance they have from a different thread.

In the particular case of TTH, i don't happen to care for that member. I found that member annoying to the point that i stopped responding to remarks by that member. I received a PM from that member and did not respond. I realize that it is hard not to respond to someone who is specifically naming one, and attacking one for allegedly having behaved badly--i don't do it well myself. Nevertheless, i would advise Caribou that my experience of that member is to ignore her, in the hope that she'll give it up and go away.

I remember, as a first time mother, I read a very insightful article about how to deal with your children. It is wise to criticize the behavior, not the child as a person.

For instance:

"You are very stupid", as opposed to,

"What you did was very stupid."

Seems simple, but the change in emphasis gives the child a completely different message. One facilitates change, the other simply hurts.

I think that we can generalize this attitude to the way that we interact with A2K members.

When we make a remark are we criticizing the idea, or the behavior, or are we "dissing" the person as a human being? What is the purpose of our remark? Is it to show a person that we have a difference of opinion, or is the remark simply calculated to lash out, to diminish that person, to hurt?

I think that it is important that we understand the motivations behind what we are doing, and stop ourselves if we are reacting out of blind anger.

I'm still in shock over the assertion that Gus has any friends......

Even serial killers have friends. But in Gus's case, perhaps I misspoke.

Good post, Caribou.

Yeah, that's a problem when discussing this. There are people who see "I disagree with you" as a personal attack.

I think I'd define a personal attack as something that is intended to cause hurt.

Still pretty broad though.

actually Gus and I do a lot of volunteer work together with homeless youth.... he lures them into the van...

Bi- You crack me up. I really needed that laugh now. Thanks!

Oh, circles and circles...

So, I've figured out all the connections except whether or not one topic was started in an attempt to soften ones image.

If so, I now understand the responses. At the time I initially read it I thought others were being a bit harsh, so I came in with something a little more light hearted.

Funny thing is that now my comment about the pup being uncomfortable showing his underbelly has a different meaning.

I guess it's all context and knowing each others personalities over time here. I can't take seriously any dig or hatefulness posted here towards me. I was once hurt deeply by a poster I liked on Abuzz, but can't think of it having happened here. I think, as I think Phoenix pointed out earlier, it's an age thing. After a certain age / level one understands that people come from all walks of life and carry tons of baggage. I refuse to carry any one elses baggage for them, and wouldn't ask anyone to carry mine. I try to teach the kids this lesson by pointing out that no one else defines them - they have to define themselves. Kinda like the old schoolyard chant about what you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Right now someone here is wearing some major crap from those that don't allow his slingings to stick. There's a happy thought for ya, Dys.

Set, I'd have to look back and find that post to see what I might have said that confused you about FB, Fbaezer, but I didn't intend anything negative - he is very high up on my "esteemed" list.

I also wish there was a way to block unwanted PMs.
Ignoring irritating people on threads and trying not to be bothered by them is one thing. Getting PMs from them is another...

You basically can block them, by deleting them before reading. (Click the "mark" box on the far right, then go to the bottom of your inbox screen and click "delete marked." You don't have to open it/ read it at all during this process.)

Yeah, but then ya have the whole curious cat thing. Ya just gotta read it if you know it's there.

There's also a report button at the bottom of the PM (if you do actually open it). If you're getting harassing PMs, you can send them onward to the help desk - just like any other post.

In response to Heeven, there are many of us who have been a target a time or two.

I feel odd posting here as I am sometimes one of the people who will turn a thread to a belly laugh when it isnt time, but speaking about the situation that spurred this thread..

Well, frankly that was bullshit.
And its that behavior that makes alot of things on the forum hard to handle.

Yes, it is the internet.
Yes, it is anonymous and there for not anything that you can really 'police' with social rules
but as adults, everyone should know how to behave .

Trolls belong under bridges.. not behind screen names.

If I ever get upset, offended or hurt by something that someone on this forum says about me, please shoot me immediately.

To personal attacks and abuse? Yowza woman, I didn't know! I guess I don't hang around enough to see that crap. I had heard of a person complaining about such a thing on another site I was a member of and I never encountered the threads she was getting upset about, but I digress.

I think the anonymity (sp?) of the internet allows people to say/type things that they might not normally or as freely do IRL. With the more personal stuff (of which I have sometimes posted and then thought, yikey, I haven't told my real-life friends lots of this stuff) you can't take it back and have no control over who (online friends and strangers alike) reads it and takes an opinion of what it is you said. Some will be helpful, supporting, nice, and others will not. I accept that fact. I ignore the ass-wipes but again they, like those who post the original, cannot then wipe off the snarky comment later. I wonder sometimes if they regret the initial swipe, perhaps intending it to be glib or funny or they just don't care.

Anyways I know I'd like to say I'd do exactly the same in real life as I say and do here but I know I'm not as brave in front of a real flesh and blood person and I expect the not-so-nice people do likewise - spew garbage because they have no responsibility to look in the face of the person they dish it to and be held accountable.

Phoenix (I hope you do not mind I shortened your name). I am glad you started this thread since I think you are speaking of me. I have seen your posts and learn from them. I learn from others too.

What bothers me to read right now is what is being said about me. I see some lies. I also see that not everybody knows what has and had been going on. I do not see the truth being told. I see 2 members who are telling lies to you. That dismays me in that they actually feel they have to lie.

I may not be as objective as I would like to but to tell outright lies especially when I am the one involved I do take personal. I have over looked many things.

One of these members I know does not like me and I have not posted any thing about that person. When I realized he (if it is) did not like me I left him alone. I was on that particular thread because the subject matter interests me. Like I said though when I sensed this person did not like me I have not bothered that person. What would be the point except to be obnoxious. The person was quite rude to me in fact and I did not push the point. I was not rude back.

The other person that I see is telling lies continues to tell lies. I had over looked many things this person has posted. I have held my tongue. What that person did that particular day was mean spirited. I had had enough. I had over looked enough. I never felt the need to point out everything this person had done to me. It did become personal and when I was the one being blamed I thought how unfair. Now it is my fault.

It appears to me that this person wanted to see how far they can push me and to put on such an act of innocence downright pisses me off. This person is not innocent. To go from one thread back to the other to hound me and continue to do so was out of line. Only after I posted something I kept in my pm to show what steps I had taken did this person go back to the thread and act like a suck up. What an act if I ever saw one. I even posted to that person to leave me alone. Still this person posted. They did not leave me alone.

Now to see the lies again. When is it going to stop? I cannot believe the nerve of the person doing this. Just try telling the truth. This person said I
was offended by their opinion. That is not true. I was not offended by their opinion or stating it. What offended me was their lies.

Even members who said positive things to this person while this altercation took place I over looked. I did not go on a personal attack mission. I can even name that member but I see no point.

If any of you do not know what went on just read about it, but keep in mind that this was not the first time this member has done this to me and I have over looked and said nothing. All you would be reading is one day.
Not the others.

What I object to with these two members is the lies they are telling you. To you, me, and themself. They know exactly they are too. I am not leaving this forum only because I made a promise to someone and I keep my word. Otherwise I would have left this forum quite some time ago. I even actually enjoy some of the members, hearing different opinions and learning new things. I am still new. This is new to me.

I am also stubborn in that I will not be bullied to leave. So, know I am staying for those two reasons I stated.
1) My word
2) I will not be bullied to leave.

I do not feel I have disrupted other forums other than I might have when I first went on a new thread in the very beginning. I did not know how things worked on a forum. I am learning real fast though how mean others are. I am learning also that there are just as many that instead of being mean they are helpful and point out to me what I am doing wrong.
I rather be told so I know. You cannot fix something you do not know is broken.

I will keep that in mind.

Many have been personally attacked and abused?
I must be reading the wrong threads, I guess.

Some people seem overly sensitive to any criticism, and the slightest remark towards a disagreeing opinion or criticizing them can throw them off - just as we have seen the other day by someone playing the role of a perpetual victim in thread after thread, accompanied by a corresponding new avatar.