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Thu 22 Feb, 2007 04:03 pm
On a forum like A2K, often people feel free to discuss delicate personal topics about various kinds of relationships and life situations. In most cases, I have found the advice offered to members to be well thought out, empathic, and compassionate. I have been the recipient, many times, of some extremely valuable feedback, that was very helpful to me.
Occasionally, I have seen some mean spirited responses to a sensitive problem. Recently, there was an interchange concerning a particularly delicate, emotionally charged situation, where I, and many others thought that the response of one member was totally out of line. Rather than being helpful, apparently the response was calculated to be mean spirited, cruel, almost sadistic.
IMO, one of the great strengths of A2K is that we are able to "bare our souls" to other mature adults, with the expectation that our feelings are treated with respect. We have all gone through personal dilemmas, and the more mature and compassionate amongst us realize that there is no "one size fits all" answer to a problem. Also, I believe that thinking people should never use a sensitive personal situation to attack a person when the attacker is angry about something totally unrelated to the issue at hand. It is mean. It is cruel, and it is childish.
One of the things that separate A2K from many other forums is the mature, thoughtful compassion and empathy that is demonstrated by the vast majority of its members. I think that it is important that we all work to maintain those high standards.
What do you all think?
I think it takes all kinds to make the world and as much as I'd like everyone to be compassionate and caring, it's simply unrealistic.
I'm reminded of a situation awhile back when one of our most infamous trolls searched the archives and posted a years-old post about a personal issue in the middle of the legal forum for the sole purpose of derailing the thread and bringing heartache to a member. It worked, the thread was derailed and a longtime valued member left A2K.
I've also posted a few personal things and seen them ridiculed and turned into a game. C'est la vie. I wouldn't dream of coming here for advice on a personal issue. Technical stuff? Sure, no problem. Personal stuff -- no way.
Anyone who posts here needs to keep in mind that this is the internet. It's not a sorority, fraternity, or social club. There are plenty of mean-spirited people around who find pleasure at the expense of someone else's pain and/or misfortune. I wish it weren't so, but the situation you describe is far from unique.
Hear, hear, Phoenix!
You speak of 'mature adults', however. In recent times we've had an influx of quite young members who don't seem to realize that most of the problems posted on A2K threads are 'real-life' concerns, not situations made up for video games. They are apt to give the kinds of answers they'd give on sites where reality takes a distant back seat to fantasy and imagination. Some of them mean no harm whatever; it's just their teenage punk style of speaking.
And, of course, there will also always be the lost soul with a perverted sense of humor who can't resist making a crack he/she thinks is hilarious.
But I agree with you -- such childish behavior can be excrutiating to someone truly looking for a helping hand or -- at least -- a shoulder to lean on.
I post personal stuff - going as far as I want to.
And that depends generally, who's on that thread - meaning: the further a thread has developed, the less I suppose spammers and trolls to disturb it.
I've been proven wrong a couple of times.
But as you said, JHB, c'est la vie.
Generally, I think, Phoenix has been correct with her opinion - has, because for various reasons (one the growing number of many "joining-leaving members").
But it's not worth calling back "the good old days". :wink:
The situation Phoenix referred on was one of the worst I've seen here.
And not by a new member. Though by someone, whom I'd put in that "drawer" quite some time ago already.
As my daddy used to say "you've got to know how to separate the sugar from the ****."
There are alot of helpful people on this forum. There are also a number of assholes and they know who they are because they thrive on being just that. The best that we can do is ignore them and push on. I've always found that tack to be quite effective. Ignore the jerks and they do tend to go away and seek attention elsewhere.
Correct,Andrew.
Sometimes, one really doesn't ask for help, but more for an ear to listen.
And those deeply hurting remarks destroy a lot.
eoe- I totally agree with you. I think that the correct response to the mean spirited member is NO response.
Merry Andrew wrote:Hear, hear, Phoenix!
You speak of 'mature adults', however. In recent times we've had an influx of quite young members who don't seem to realize that most of the problems posted on A2K threads are 'real-life' concerns, not situations made up for video games. They are apt to give the kinds of answers they'd give on sites where reality takes a distant back seat to fantasy and imagination. Some of them mean no harm whatever; it's just their teenage punk style of speaking.
And, of course, there will also always be the lost soul with a perverted sense of humor who can't resist making a crack he/she thinks is hilarious.
But I agree with you -- such childish behavior can be excrutiating to someone truly looking for a helping hand or -- at least -- a shoulder to lean on.
I don't see the behavior that Phoenix is talking about coming from newbies, but rather the regulars. I'll sometimes go on a thread I might have ignored if I see that a distressed person is only getting smart ass answers. I know if I was new to A2k and received some of the replies I've seen, I would be out of here quick.
I will continue to post personal matters and take my chances. Most of my posts of a really personal nature are about the past - some of us are slow to post about immediate quandaries where we haven't already worked out our thoughts, and where we are vulnerable (we are all vulnerable) but will do that once in a while.
It is brave to do it, and you can get hurt, which is why it is brave. Sometimes even posting about the past is brave.
I do value a2k, in large part, for when people do ask present tough questions and get genuine support for their decision making, whether the genuine advice is wise or not-so.
On the thread in question, it is all too bad, not least since considered thinking on the subject got blown out of the water. While GreenWitch is so right that Ignore (thus de-fang) is the best response, it's hard to do, hard to do.
Excellent topic, Phoenix!
It seems that most new threads about personal problems are started by newcomers (and that would be an added reason to be sensitive about our posts).
On a lighter note, when I was a newbie, I actually apologized to Setanta! Even Setanta acted as if I did something unnecessary.
Maybe I just didn't see the thread you're talking about, but I don't see the problem. Maybe once in a blue moon somebody will say something really hurtful or mean, but I don't see anything wrong with saying something funny or smartass, as long as the whole thread isn't derailed and/or the person asking for help gets some good feedback.
Re: Empathy, Compassion, and "Walking in Another's Shoe
Phoenix32890 wrote:... Occasionally, I have seen some mean spirited responses to a sensitive problem. Recently, there was an interchange concerning a particularly delicate, emotionally charged situation, where I, and many others thought that the response of one member was totally out of line. Rather than being helpful, apparently the response was calculated to be mean spirited, cruel, almost sadistic. ...
First of all, great, timely post.
I would like to see A2K continue to be a place where one can come to discuss all matter of things - no matter what the subject matter is. In cases where the content of what is being said is of an obvious sensitive nature, an appropriate equally sensitive response should be expected.
Unfortunately, one can always expect some to come up with inappropriate posts when you have such a diverse cross section of folks here.
I think the mods did the right thing in locking the thread which inspired this one.
We're all - well, all here a while, are used to funny or smartass, what else pumps the oil flow...
There are some instances where a comment can be perceived to be in poor taste
If I were a newbie and the likes of slappy or kicky jumped all over me I would probably have shat myself, however I know they are harmless so I enjoy their antics
I don't think they derail a thread
I am assuming it is not these two lovable characters you are refer to?
Confession is good for the soul Phoenix... last week when I was venting and everyone made fun I was deeply hurt because as you should know by now I'm sensitive almost to a fault..... but the love in my heart for each of you brings forgiveness. Please dont be so hard on yourself.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BEAR HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Sometimes it takes another perspective to realize that you haven't made / are not making yourself clear in presenting your concern.
That is sometimes a useful side effect to what appears to be (or is in fact meant to be) a harsh response/comment.
right e beth... tough love.
sometimes all the support and "in" back-slapping can be a bit wearing
<shrug>
or perhaps wearying
~~~~~~
It also seems counter-productive at times.
... and never a discouraging word
*shrugs* I dunno. I'm of two minds on the issue.
I'd like to think that people wouldn't jump and lash out at others but I've come to learn that it is an expectation that is rarely met.
On the other side I see Bobby and Billy. They start high school together and every day of school Bobby walks up to Billy and pokes him in the eye. 4 years later, on the day before graduation, Bobby walks up to Billy and pokes him in the eye just like he's done every school day for the lasty 4 years. Billy pulls a gun from his jacket pocket an shoots Bobby dead right there in the hallway. For the next few weeks everyone walks around muttering about how Billy over-reacted and how he shouldn't have shot Bobby because the retalliation was excessive. If you poke someone in the eye long enough you have to expect they are going to shoot back at some point.
Now I guess I should go poke around and figure out what provoked this thread!
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