My graduation speech..FIRST DRAFT RELEASED!

Re: My graduation speech..FIRST DRAFT RELEASED!
Hi vonderjohn! Welcome back! Thanks for sharing your draft. It's a good, solid speech.

One thing that jumps out at me is that there is a certain sense that you were thinking, "How many vocabulary words can I fit in here?" Not that you really WERE thinking that, but that's the impression left by sentences like, "I remember the motivating encouragement that we used to receive from our principal on every crucial occasion."

For a commencement speech, a certain amount of arbitrary big word use is probably appropriate, but I think going a little bit more spare would serve you well. Like, "I remember the motivation and encouragement that our principal would give us at every opportunity." Not sure. But "crucial" doesn't quite fit, there.

Your last paragraph is a good, solid, uplifting thing that will get a lot of applause. Good way to end it. (I'm not sure of the political implications, whether there is anything controversial. "Religious diversity" seems like it might be gutsy, but I don't know enough about current Lebanese politics.)

I can offer more critique if you'd like, but first let me know what you think so far. Ultimately, this should be in YOUR voice, with YOUR ideas, and if that's how you think and what you want to say, go for it!

I would only make one suggestion. I would modify sozobe's sentence to "I remember the encouragement that our principal would give us at every opportunity." Good luck! c.i.

Vonderjohn - that looks very good. You've clearly worked hard on that.

Is there someone around who could read your speech out loud for you? I think it will help you determine if the vocabulary effect is as noticeable when it's heard vs. read.

It really looks like an excellent speech, and you'll be sending your classmates out on a great note.

Congratulations!

Er, yeah, ditto. Good stuff, to the point, broad enough that people can take what they want from it.

I'd just suggest many out-loud rehearsals a re-writes, so that you can separate what looks good on paper from what sounds natural when spoken.

dont overextend your vocabulary, it wont sound anywhere near as good than if you return to your own honest daily vocabulary. In the states we always use a trick for entertainment. The trick involves having a mafia don give a speech with lots of 3 syllable words.This sounds less honest and more , just put on.
for exmple try saying ' I will warmly remember the days... rather than "I remember the fascinating days'...There aqre a few others that you can hear when you rehearse
as a number of your a2k buds have said, read it aloud to some friends or record it and playback.This way you will get the sound of it, and you will hear the words that need yanking. congratulations to you on this distinction, bet your folks are proud.

Re: My graduation speech..FIRST DRAFT RELEASED!
Good evening everyone;

On this beautiful Friday evening, Saint Severius College is proud to present its graduation ceremony for the class of 2003. I would like to thank my friends and teachers for the privilege of standing here today. I am truly honored.

As a part of this year's class, I will always remember the fascinating days I spent with my friends and teachers this year; the interesting academic sessions of every week day, the entertaining days of our field trips, and the rough hours of every exam. With our teachers, every second of their presence was highly valuable for us. Their significant intellectual and academic background and outgoing attitude with the students made them a very reliable academic reference provided us with an excellent education. I remember the motivating encouragement that we used to received from our principal , Dr. Whatever his name is, on every crucial occasion. it inspired many of us to thrive with an ongoing sense of determination. Our long school years were a n overall one-of-a kind experience which each every one of us will remember with glowing warmth, for a very long time.

And to my fellow students I say: Congratulations. Congratulations on the great accomplishments that you'vehave achieved this year. And today, as you leave with a diploma in hand, remember the encounters, the good and the bad ones, which you've experienced here. Remember the promises you made to yourself and others. Keep in touch with those who have touched your lives. Don't forget to drop by this school from time to time. Teachers would love to hear from former students. It gives will also reaffirm your feelings of pride in your school. and a reason for being. And most importantly, keep in mind that you are heading into a society which is full of challenges to face, and opportunities to take. So be fully aware of every step you take, because those are the steps which will be shaping your own destiny for the rest of your life.

Last but not least, we should never forget that our country needs us. It is our duty and responsibility to take good care of it Lebanon and devote ourselves to its cause in every possible way. Our nation's cause has always been larger than our nation's defense. We fight, as we always fight, for a just peace and a prosperous country that embraces human liberty and religious diversity.
We leave, marked by the character of this academy, carrying with us the highest ideals of our nation.
On the behalf of this institute, I congratulate each one of you for the commission you've earned and for the credit you bring to Lebanon.

God bless you all.

Thank you

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Good job, Vonderjon. You seem to have a very good grasp of the English language. In editing the speech I have highlighted in red the one word which is incorrectly used... it should be "ones," not once. I've also highlighted in red some things which help the flow or increase the emphasis. I've made redundant words & phrases a smaller size. You have used a few too many commas, but unless this speech will also be printed in the program, their usage is not nearly as important as your words.

If I were to offer any additional advice, it would be to mention one specific moment of your school year rather than generalizing them all. I'm thinking of a single event or class or field trip that made a huge difference. This is not a major criticism, but for the audience members who were not in school with you, it will give them something special to remember. As a courtesy, you should also say your principal's name with his honorific (example: Dr. John Vonder Hoffen) in your sentence about him.

It was tricky to put in all these changes -- in doing so, I may have made a mistake or two. I've tried to correct them, but you'll have to watch out. I apologize in advance!

I'd like to particularly compliment you on this sentence. It is a wonderful commentary on your school.:




Good Luck with your speech and your future.