how...how did you know? i re-read this whole thread and i'm sure i don't mention "Je me souviens" anywhere.... which was actually the original title of the Diss (now of one chapter). Musta been talking about it some other time, eh?
why am i not sleeping? Finished editing at 6am, yeah. Housemates woke me up at 11am with kitchen banging and such...and I can't sleep since. I should be exhausted and reliefed, but i'm just hyper and still kinda strung out. weird. i'm sure i'll crash and sleep eventually.
and LONELINESS. i realized with horror that one of the side effects of this is that i know nobody outside of work colleagues and have nobody to run to to be jubilant with. i'd go to the gym, but i'm sooo tired. might just go to sauna and suffer a silent heart attack, heh.
it is finally sinking in. slowly. yesterday i felt violently ill, since it was the first morning after a full night of sleep after weeks, post-serious stress. couldn't even take water...it got better as the day went and i went to the gym, spinned it out (biking) and sweated it out in steam room and sauna (i like to imagine i can purge all the toxins out). Then i watched The Wire at home...still unable to quite enjoy...having vague pangs of guilt and fear....then realizing i don't have to anymore, but not able to shake them. Estragno. Maybe I'll get used to it eventually, or I'll find another big project to feel guilty about.
The guilt and the anxiety will never go away. I'm still having the occasional nightmare where I get this phone call from a university secretary: "About this mistake in your thesis we just discovered: We're sorry, but we had to revoke your degree. Please send us a corrected version so we can re-award it."
it passed already :-D
it's just an occasional pang and then i remember that it's nothing. yesterday i was still feeling ill, but today is a brand new day.... plus i went to a boxing class again and to sauna -- nothing works better!
Dag...You may not have a chance to visit us before Wednesday. Get lots of sleep; eat healthy and know that all of us here on A2K hope that you
(1) Break a leg
(2) Knock 'em dead
(3) Take no prisoners
