Writers' Workshop #2 - Conflict from a set opening line

Gautam
Gautam, WOW! another O'Henry style ending. Wonderful visual impressions. Keep writing!

BumbleBeeBoogie

Cav
Cav, I've made the final edit in response to your excellent suggestions. Now Jason is off to the hospital in a neck brace. His controlling mother will now have the pleasure of nursing him back to health. Poor boy!

Oh, oh, now I wonder if you will recommend that I add this last observation to the end of my story. Aaagh, who will rid me of this angst-filled character so I can set about finding another one to torture?

---BumbleBeeBoogie

Reads like classic suspense to me BBB I like the changes. I predict some "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" moments in future stories.....just one more thought, would it be too much exposition if you had the paramedics ask about family, or something to effect of momma coming in to make a statement about taking care of the poor kid? I don't know if that would be overly obvious or not. Any thoughts from the other writers?

I dunno about Momma gargoyle. Maybe it's best for us to think that rather than having it spelled out.

My oh my oh wow oh wow I LOVE these stories!!!!

Great twist at the end, Gautam, it turns it from a "I'm leaving you" tale to an "I can't stand myself" tale. Very powerful ending.

Izzy, I really like the sisters. You might want to add a quick line about why they've been thrown together. Also, did they once share a room? Some sisters do, and then if they're forced to do so again it can dredge up memories which might not be appropriate to current issues (e. g. people argue with one another over some slight that happened 10 years ago). Also, I was told once that making 2 characters' names similar can sometimes breed confusion. I know it might sound trivial, but Emily and Erika are close - how about using different first initials? That might help a reader to follow the story better.

cav - great stuff. The poor dog in the first story! I think many of us often wonder what's going on in an animal's head and I think you captured it in an interesting fashion which was very believable.

The couple (she's doing dishes) struck me as being somewhat more typical (this isn't a bad thing). I think you really capture the slow straw upon straw until the camel's back is broken kind of despair that happens in some lives. I believe that most divorces don't come from any one cause and are more like death by a thousand cuts, and I think you've picked up on that nicely.

BBB, very nice edits. I'm glad you dropped out the reference to "Gas Light"; I don't think you needed it. And the exposition is done better, now it is easy to follow but doesn't scream "Look at me, I'm exposition!" (I'm not saying your stuff has ever done this; this is something I've sometimes felt about my own pieces).

Ah, I knew a good, grabbing opening line would draw responses. Yay! Keep 'em coming! You all rock!!!! :-D :-D :-D

GETTING ON

"That's it! I've had it! I'm not living with you anymore!"

"Ah, but you must!"
"There is no departure."
"There is no separation."
"I am your soul."
"I am your relief."
"I am your bravado."
"I am your courage."
"I am your first thought, your last recollection."
"I am your eye's into the world."
"I am you."

"No, I'll not have it, your residence is ended."

"Good evening. My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic."

Those were quotation marks not question marks when I posted. I posted from WORD.

Gautam, I liked yours a lot. Some how I didn't get to see your post before mine or I wouldn't have posted mine. A far finer piece by you!

I going to try to edit mine. (Never teried it before)

It worked!!

Fbaezer
Fabaezer, your story seems to be basically of a mentally ill person's rebellion against necessary, but restrictive care givers. There are several areas in your story that might benefit from clarification and context.

For example, it required a second read before I realized that Johnny is just going to the next room and isn't leaving the house. So maybe that's the place to start. That clarification will put the entire scene into the correct contex that this drama is being played over a distance of a few feet in a house.

Johnny is overreacting, as if he were going to Timbuktu, but he's just moving down the hall. He sees the separation as his reality being the other side of the world so far as he's concerned. He also sees it as a huge slight. His mother (and the reader) sees it as just a temporary minor move once they understand the contex.

Perhaps focusing on why he hates Stella will give us the background of his feelings. For example, he seems to be feeling that his mother doesn't love him anymore because she's never there when he needs her. She leaves him with Stella, and thinks Stella doesn't like him. He seems to hate Stella because she treats him like a little kid and won't let him do anything he wants to.

Also, the logical rejoinder to the argument that "I need to work so we can keep Stella" is not the real reason. The mother needs to offer another reason, otherwise the son's complaints appear to be rational, which we learn later, is not the case.

When you have the mother say we need Stella because she's our friend, that's also not the real reason I find reading between the lines. It appears that the real reason is that the mother needs to work extra hours to provide the care the son needs when she's away from home. To make the mother more sympathetic, you might want to consider emphasizing that they both need Stella's help when the mother is at work.

The last few paragraphs confused me. Perhaps you could clarify the actions and their sequence. Clarification would also help understand the son's view regarding Stella; that he thinks his mother cares more about Stella than him.

Perhaps it would help if you visualize how these two would behave and react to each other. In my own visualizations, I see Johnny sitting on his bed clutching his pillow to his chest, his face contorted in frustrated rage. I see Johnny getting up and opening his bureau drawers and dumping their contents on to the floor. He sorts through the pile of clothes, jamming those he wanted to take into his duffle bag. Then I see Johnny returning to his bed and sitting there, pounding his fists into the packed duffle bag. I see tears streaming down his face.

In contrast, I see his mother leaving the room without protesting her son's actions. I thought to myself, she has' been through this so many times that she knows her mentally ill son's depression will worsen and he will need Stella's nursing.

Finally, I see Johnny hearing his mother leave for work. Then I see him laying down on his bed, weeping into his pillow.

Visualizing behavior often helps me write what I'm trying to convey. It also helps for me to verbally role play my characters to get more comfortable with the dialogue I attribute to them. What would be natural for them to say? How would they say it in real life, not just on paper? If the dialoque doesn't sound like what the characters would say, it just won't work. I know I sometimes write differently that I speak, I think we all do that. But to have our writing authentic, we have to perfect that ear and listen to our characters speech and cadence.

Fbaezer, you have the makings of a good story. I hope you find my well-meaning insights helpful.

-----BumbleBeeBoogie

Thanks guyz !!

morganwood I always look fwd to yr writing - you have the gift, and I am just starting.....

YOU WILL NOT BE MY KING

That's it! I've had it! I'm not living with you anymore! It figures that you would lose your job and change your habits. You used to be fun, loose, but the way you fastidiously put on your tie....always a double Windsor knot, I knew you had some OCD tendencies.

However, I never could have predicted what would happen once your mind was no longer distracted by work. First it was just a shopping spree, some food, but mostly cleaning products. I didn't think much of it, really, but I was curious. I didn't ask, I figured you would come to your senses.

It started with vaccuming. Hey, that was fine by me, even if it was three times a day. At least the place had a bit of sheen to it. Then it was the kitchen. The constant scrubbing and bleaching and washing....this is when I thought you might be getting a bit unhinged. You don't even cook. The kitchen always looked fine to me, but the obsessive bleaching was starting to make my eyes burn. Do you really need to count the number of times you rub a dish with a sponge before rinsing it?

You never bothered trying to look for another job. You just cleaned and cleaned. I think you were just trying to hide your depression at not working behind a mask of Ajax. The bathroom was your next project. My throat burned every time I had to walk in there just from breathing the fumes. You never thought of the children either, did you? You know they were born with chemical sensitivities, and please, don't even try your tired argument that "chemical sensitivity" is a myth. Not at this point.

It has become too much. The children need a better environment, one that doesn't smell of chemicals, bleach and what not every day of the week. It's disgusting, and it is making us all sick. You make me sick. Get another job already. Good luck. Don't expect me to call, and if you want to see the kids, you had better get a very good lawyer. I doubt you will find me.

The cockroach packed the last crumb into a tiny bag and marched her brood of thousands to the apartment next door.

Ha!

REALLY like the O'Henry endings! Gautam, wow! The details add up to really pack a punch at the end.

Cav, I laughed at yours, but I find as I write now that I keep thinking about the character I thought you were writing about -- she, as a human wife, is in an interesting situation. The ending was a distancing, funny to be sure, but makes the reader think "oh I don't have to care about her after all." Kind of like the "...and then I woke up" device. It's a testimony to your skills as a writer that just in leading up to a punchline you sketch such a vivid picture. How would you end this without the cockroach? To keep it serious, not let us off the hook?

BBB, I really like the gardening one! I agree with Jes' observation that it's all very much of a piece -- "planting", waiting patiently for results, etc. The gargoyle one still has some repetitive exposition -- "wealthy" mother whose "threat to disinherit him would keep him bound to her". -- only need one of those. I can see it's been worked on, though, and does put me in mind of an old classic TV show. ("Twilight Zone" et al.)

Jes, nice! Subtle. I like the details, dialogue, and ambiguous ending. He is still packing, but they've had some moment of connection, maybe understanding.

Soz, I would probably just cut the last sentence.

Cav
Cav, this bunch really likes O'Henry dendings; so do I. But cockroaches? Ugh! :wink:

O'Henry works best when there is a touch of irony in them. Is there such a thing as an ironic cockroach?

BumbleBeeBoogie

Sozobe
Sozobe, you are right, "wealthy" is gone.

When are you going to write a story for us?

BumbleBeeBoogie

BBB, I'm thinkin'! Just found this.

Izzy, nice, naturalistic dialogue! I especially liked the distinction between hating and standing. The names are a little distracting in how similar they are -- that would probably make sense for sisters, but makes it more difficult to follow. Choosing names like, what, Jane and Stephanie (different letters, different lengths) would make it easier to remember who's who.

The thought was inspired by Daniel Evan Weiss's book 'The Roaches Have no King'

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewfeature.cgi?f=327

Comments from Fay Weldon:

The Roaches Have No King by Daniel Evan Weiss
This brilliantly comic novel is not for the squeamish. The cockroaches view the disgusting behavior of humans and wage war on Ira Fishplatt, legal-aid lawyer, when they feel he betrays them. Love it or hate it.
salon.com | Nov. 8, 1999

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1852423269/ref=lib_dp_TFCV/002-0328041-6009654?v=glance&s=books&vi=reader#reader-link

Browsing the first few pages at amazon will probably make up your mind if you will love the book or hate it. I found it hilarious.

"That's it! I've had it! I'm not living with you any more!"

I laughed. It was an involuntary sputter that became a full-fledged guffaw. I reflexively covered my mouth with my hand and looked around the room for something to focus on to stifle this upswell of giggles, but they almost painfully erupted from my gut no matter what I looked at. My gaze flitted over his paintings on the walls, technically exact but hollow, and then followed the patterns of the fake wood walls -- narrow plank, wide plank. Narrow plank, wide plank. That helps.

I cautiously turned my eyes toward him. He was standing with his hands on his hips, face flushed, eyebrows raised incredulously, but there was a barely discernable tremor over by the corner of his mouth, something lax in his jaw, that showed... fear.

I liked it.

I didn't expect any of this. I'd been working so hard and so long on salvaging our relationship, putting up with this horrible dingy apartment because he wanted to stay there, offering to move out on my own and give him some "space" (a scene on the front stoop, on his knees, asking me not to go), talking to his mom for chrissakes about how to make him happy. For he was so obviously, patently, unhappy. And now this, the day I had been dreading -- and I was laughing.

I stepped toward him and he stepped back. I grinned.

"What is wrong with you??" His words were an attempt at bravado, but were belied by those tremors.

"Nothing," I said. And I laughed. I laughed like a stream bubbling over rocks, like antelopes running through a prairie, like porpoises arcing through the ocean. I looked him in the eye and I laughed.

Sozobe
Sozobe, WOW! Wonderful! I knew you were clever AND eloquent, but this is a WOW!

BumbleBeeBoogie

Thanks! And thanks for the push (and to Jes for starting this) -- I do love to write and haven't in a while.

Sozobe
Sozobe, I know what you mean. Now that I'm retired, I have more time to make attempts at writing, which I enjoy, even with the frustration involved.

Please keep writing.

---BumbleBeeBoogie

I am so loving this topic. :-D

Everyone's doing such a phenomenal job! Yay!!!