Sin or Tragedy......and other stories....

Sin or Tragedy…

She was alone in her bedroom and was gazing out of the window at the sky, an unusual behavior for a little girl who has spent the day in spirited activities. Her eyes were wide with wonder; what lies beyond the heavens? She remembered how truly amazed she had felt when she had discovered an astronomy book in Uncle Aaron's private library. The memory brought images of planets that Stella never knew existed. Her discovery had kept her rolling in bed all night, so now she was on the window seat, fantasizing about what more lay hidden, embedded as jewels in the night-time sky that now reflected her favorite color - midnight blue.
Slowly, returning from her wonderland, she made her way to the bed and slipped inside, drawing the sheets to her chin.
I'm going to be a space scientist……she was asleep even before her wish had escaped her lips.
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The moment she had been waiting for all her life had finally come. Stella was in her classroom listening to her teacher tell them about the options of subjects they could opt from.
"Computers, Accounts, Business, Economics … Biology …… Physics …."

"Mom, I want to major in Physics….later I'll take Astronomy!" Stella cried.
"Sorry dear," her mom replied, "you can talk about that to your father, and he wants you to become a doctor."
Her tone had a final edge that hit Stella like a boulder. Something told her everything was not going to go as she had thought.
***********
"But Dad, I want to -"
"Stella, I said you have to study BIOLOGY!" he roared and stood up from the sofa. His face was all flushed from the sudden surge of blood that rushed in his veins. He stared at Stella for a long time and realized that perhaps he had gone too far. He looked down at his feet for a few seconds and then looked back up. Sitting back down he said, "Stella, it's just that we want your future to be secure. As parents we're really concerned that you should be getting the best possible….in a safe surrounding, that is."
Now it was Shellac's turn to look shocked and confused.
"Safe surroundings…?" she voiced her doubts aloud and was surprised how hollow her words sounded then.
"Medical is an accepted and respectful profession for women, the other being Lectureship," he started again, this time in a more peaceful manner, "and you certainly have never shown interest for Lectureship, which means that the only other choice left is Medical."
Stella felt horrified, suddenly remembering what she had read about in her history class.
It's not that women are not capable of rising to great heights or making profound achievements, but sadly, it's the constant denial of opportunities which was deliberately practiced since ancient times.

?'But this cannot be true, there are a thousand professions to choose from and so what if it's not acceptable. There's a first time for everything. This is NOT FAIR!' her thoughts were racing at the speed of light, and her lips quivered in an attempt to protest, but nothing came out of her mouth, the words got stuck somewhere inside her throat and she choked uncontrollably.
Mrs. Anderson rushed to find her a glass of water and tried to stroke her hair to soothe her. Stella felt a sudden remorse she had never felt before; at least not this intensely, and she recoiled, overcome by a flooding memory of all those years she had cried alone at night, hidden under the sheets, her face buried in pillows to muffle the heart-wrenching sobs, those vulnerable moments of helplessness and anger, seething venom that her parents had filled her with.
She pushed her mom's hands back at her and ran to her room, locking the door behind her, never looking back at her mother's strained features. Her heart thudded against her rib cage, the pounding growing louder and louder every second. Stella felt the floor slip beneath her and a rapid darkness engulf her, accompanied by her cries in lonely nights, as she recalled the passionate need to be held by someone, to be loved, to be consoled, someone she could confide in and trust, someone who'd willingly wipe away her tears and hold her… Her ears could bear the hammering no longer and suddenly, almost abruptly, as if on cue, the noise stopped; absolute silence.
She couldn't even hear herself breathe.
Am I dead? Is it really over?
No answer, nothing at all; absolute silence.
***********
Stella was sitting on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest and staring into space. She had woken up to find herself sprawled on the floor and realized that she had fainted. Pulling herself up had never been quite an effort until then, but she'd managed to carry herself to her bed. She had no idea how long it had been and she didn't care. She couldn't help but think about that day when she had gone into a fury, shouting and throwing things, all the time in agony, and finally hit herself hard on her head and fell back, waiting, waiting…waiting for her mother to come and hold her, to ask her what was wrong, to feel her pain….
She heard her in the other room calling someone on the phone; her father.
"Stella is going crazy, I can't handle her; you have to come home yourself and deal with her." Her mother's voice was eerily calm, as if the ordeal didn't bother her at all.
That instant Stella knew that her waiting would never be rewarded, her mother will never come, and this dawning of truth stung her again but this time she was not going to show it. As she collected herself and soundlessly left the place, she decided she'd never again let anyone in her world again; no matter how broken she felt, no matter how lonely she'd be. And from then on, Stella had been totally indifferent towards her family and made no move to make friends; she was better off alone. Her silence had never disturbed her parents, and she knew why; all those times they had talked to her, they had never tried to understand her but make her understand them and to them, her silence indicated submission. Her parents had no idea that she knew what they were trying to do, they were trying to brainwash her into being a lovely, decent lady all the time, telling her it wasn't appropriate to say what you really feel like or voice your opinions, that it was more important to sacrifice yourself for others, that this would be how she's going to live, after her marriage. She had also not told her parents that she has no plans to get married, knowing that their reaction would become the biggest obstacle in her career. But now, she had lost all hope with them; she will never trust them again with anything!
All those years that she had asked for things and been refused, and whenever she asked "why mommy?" always the answer "because you're a girl", "Why mommy?"…… "…because you're a girl".
I am on my own.
That day was the first time that she had perceived the actual magnitude of her loneliness and strangely, it hadn't bothered her anymore.
It would make no difference; she would either have what she wanted, or have nothing at all.
"Life or death…" she whispered to herself and chuckled at her own words.
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