Something that I randomly wrote, but it doesn't sound right.

Forums: Original Writing
Email this Topic • Print this Page

My love for you
is a thorn in my heart

piercing a hole
with a needle so sharp

The blood the love has poisoned
runs through my very veins

Into my body,
Into my brains....

I think about it
oh so hard

I know I'm going to do it
but when I try it's too hard

But I know that one day
It'll come out

All these words
I've been longing to shout

The words that
are so true

The words that
are I love you

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 693 • Replies: 2

No top replies

Welcome to A2K Verity,

Quote:

I think about it
oh so hard

I know I'm going to do it
but when I try it's too hard

This seems stylistically weak to me because you use "hard" twice.
Try using "guard", "marred", "shard" etc

Secondly, if you count the syllables here and elsewhere in the poem you will find it doesn't scan (breaks rhythm). This can be rectified by insertions or omissions.

0 Replies

fresco, i agree with you about using 'hard' twice. but i think the irragularity in the rhythm is quite effective

Quote:

I know I'm going to do it
but when I try it's too hard

if you read it aloud, it sounds sort of hesitant, which would fit with the words.

0 Replies

Something that I randomly wrote, but it doesn't sound right.

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know