Ann Coulter.

I'm new at this, so I really don't know if I'm even posting this in the right area.
Also, if you don't like it, feel free to verbally abuse me. I can take it.


Dear Miss Ann Hart Coulter, I love you.

Now, wait, I know what you're thinking. I'm some liberal, secular, America-hating fag, who after seeing your enlarged jugular on Fox news, now masturbates to the YouTube footage of your skeletal frame. No, Miss Coulter, never. (Well, maybe, but that will be addressed in my next letter, INRE why rape victims are always kind of asking for it.) But why, oh ye from the right, do I defend you so enthusiastically from miserable, irrational douchebags like Jon Stewart? Because from the moment that I saw you say, "I would like a United States military capable of winning wars which will not involve sending girls to do fighting," I just felt that you would finally give the Conservative right - the disenfranchised! - a voice. That's out Annabel, sending America's females five steps back in woman's lib.

But, perhaps my love for you originates from the same place your almost inexplicable success and logic has; your animosity against the liberal left. Your audacious comments, such as "There are a lot of bad Republicans, there are no good Democrats" put you on the map as one of the world's biggest male reproductive organs, as stated by anyone with a moral bank. No, wait. After reading that, Miss Coulter, I am now not quite sure that particular quote made you stand out in the realm of redundant political pundits.

However, I knew your day would come, and came it did. September 14, two days after the epic 9/11. You had the honor of saying the most grotesque offensive, racist, biased, and prejudiced thing anyone could say. It was the one quote that could possibly get everyone from the extreme left to the moderate left to call you a Nazi, and photoshop pictures of you wearing old Gestapo helmets in a twisted orgy with Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. It was the beginning of an era. "We should invade their [Muslim] countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." You had sprayed gasoline all over the already fired-up culture war against the Western world, and the Middle East. Thanks!

Look how far you've come, Ann! From wishing death upon the writers at the New York Times, to proclaiming that widows of 9/11 victims who are against the war enjoy their husbands deaths. You've done it all. Already, so early in your career, you're mastered the art of refuting irrefutable fact. Why, just last January did you argued with Bob McKeown, a journalist for CBC's The Fifth Estate, that Canada did in fact send troops to Vietnam. (For the record, Miss Coutler, we never did, but that's nothing we can't fix with a few forged Victoria Crosses and a bit of white-out.)

Every week, I look forward to that coy, flirtatious flip of your synthetic Barbie hair, as your seductive Adam's apple bobs up and down with each shrill word that escapes your vast cleft of mouth. Some would call you rude, crass, prejudiced, incongruous with all your opinions, crude, unreasonable, aberrant for all the wrong reasons, reactionary, knee-jerk, close-minded, stupid, hideous on all counts, a dick, a tool, a major league asshole, a royal faggittini, a heartless prick who has no consideration for logic, facts, other decent opinions, or the well being of anyone aside yourself and who can be described simply as a tremendous jack-off who jumps to conclusions without all the facts and refuses to admit she's wrong while living three feet up her own ass. But, I digress.

So Ann, never let the liberal wrong (LOOK! POLITICAL PUN! OH, LOOK AT THAT TOO! POLITICAL ALLITERATION!) beat you down. If you ever get discouraged, remember this; "There will always be at least one more douchebag who will always agree with me."

Love always,
Scaachi Koul

(P.S. - Please don't ever reproduce.)