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Sat 29 Jul, 2006 02:43 am
Hey guys, this is my first time posting so don't expect a brilliant work.. hehehe
I was feeling a little bit groggy and I needed a bit of fresh air. I turned the doorknob of our terrace and stepped out of our living room. Me and my family lived in a condominium in the seventh floor. I leaned on the balcony and thought about things, complicated things. Another reason I wanted to go out is because of problems, problems that seemed unsolvable to me. Gazing at the building in front of me, which was a condominium too that was made of glass, I looked at my reflection and saw a girl falling from the 18th floor. I was as frightened as a pig. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, I saw that girl hanging on the railing of my balcony! I panicked. I froze to death. Even though I tried my hardest to move, I couldn't. Seeing her eyes of blue full of dread and fear was the ugliest site. Her hands slowly slipped and then she fell. I knew for sure she was dead. Imagine falling from the 18th floor. It would be a miracle if you survived. People rushed towards her. I didn't even dare go down for I was afraid that they might treat me as a suspect. Even though a year has passed, everyone still remembers the event.
When I was in the elevator one day, I heard two people talking about her death. "I pity this girl for having too much problems." The woman on my right sighed, "Suicide isn't the best answer." Said the woman on my left. The elevator door opened and they got down. Until now, I still couldn't believe that I never told anyone that that girl was hanging on my balcony a few seconds before she died. Since then, I learned how to solve my problems and was thankful for my life. I'm grateful to God that I never even chose suicide as an option. Everyone living in the condominium during the time that the girl from the 18th floor died, never forgot that event.
I presume you are asking for comments.
Groggy is slangy/conversational language.
Me and my family - did you mean "My family and I"? You wouldn't write or say "Me lived in a condominium", would you?
I leaned on the balcony - you leaned on the railing at the edge of the balcony, surely?
Another reason [singular!] I wanted [past!] to go out is [present!] because of problems [plural!] - mismatches of present/past and singular/plural
The building opposite was "made of glass"? How come it didn't crack and fall down? How did it get built in the first place?
The girl was falling - does that mean she was in the air - if so, how did you know it was the 18th floor she fell from?
Frightened as a pig? Why a pig? Odd choice.
She ended up hanging onto your balcony? You didn't explain how. Did she fly sideways? She must be tough, she just fell 11 floors as well!
I froze to death. (Ouch!) How come you're writing this now? Are you a ghost?
the ugliest site - you meant "sight"
too much problems - you mean too many problems.
The elevator door opened and they got down. You mean, they got out?
Until now, I still couldn't believe - do you mean, Even now, I still can't believe?
Everyone living in the condominium... never forgot that event. This is clumsy. Better to write, Everyone [...] always remembered that event, or Nobody [...] ever forgot that event.
during the time... I think you mean at the time...