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honest opinions/constructive critisism desired..

 
 
Reply Thu 22 Jun, 2006 06:35 am
Hi! I have written poetry since the age of 5 and am now 40.

My friends reccomended I post here to build my confidence and smooth out the 'rough lines' if you will..

I want to read my poetry in open forum, tho' suffer terribly from true stage fright!!

Maybe this will help me overcome my obstacles if indeed any of you deem my writings worthy..

These are three of my latest poems/writings, mostly unedited.
Feel free to edit, I need all the help I can get with only a 6th grade education.
(i do now have my ged and just a little college where/when i can afford.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHERE ARE WE NOW.. (poem1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

do i focus on you or myself??

i try focusing on 'us' and my vision is blurry.. hazy..

the only clarity i envision is
my hand
a phone
your face
a mirror

i was lost somewhere before you
now i am lost
somewhere near you

you are crimson~
deep and beautiful
i am coal~
this does not make me worthless~
i am beautiful in silky black and silver ash

you call me yours..

yet, how do i feel??
slipping through your silty fingers..

your hands
wonderful
masculine
grasping~
strong capable hands
grasping~
at dust~

i feel you and can easily read
your simple sweet thoughts
and depth of being~

you are glorious
i am glorious

your glory is shown through
confidence faith and love

mine~ through wind rain earth and fire

you~ through god and angels
me~ through elements and stars

you~ crimson transparent white
me~ grey in a black and white world

you fit well here
and everywhere~
i fit no~where
and well also..

i was born to that fate and element
it is the home of my birth
i suppose..

no~where
a place that travels far and often
seeking a nest to rest
always~ fairing well just before and at sunrise~~~

not so far from where you are
in the night and day
when i am happily lost
and writing our sad play~

have you ever??
kissed the rain
while you drank your own tears
dancing barefoot and naked
on a mountaintop
in the most violent of thunder and lightning storms

i doubt it very much.
yet i know you love me
and have cried in a field of drought
when the one you loved for years and years
loved you not
and the one you believe to be god
deafend himself to your words
and all his heavens and yours
became brass and crass and lost..

some, maybe more~ think me a fool
the sum of their thoughts
add nothing
subtract nothing
from nothing~

the world you were birthed in has
'HAPPY CHRISTMAS'
written on the door to spring

and i enjoy my visits often
while the summer storms of my origins
rage outside against your frosty panes

i run my fingers through your tinseled tree
and watch reflective lights dance
on homemade gingerbread men
with mistletoe wrapped
a little to snug
around their little red necks

eggnog is good when the rum is.
and new years has always been so very old to me.

come midnight~
if i awake~
i will kiss you
and feel the newness
briefly~
through your sweet
untainted crimson lips

i appreciate your love for me
in my lostness.

on valentines day
i will faithfully focus~ looking in
i will reach through nothing and something and everything
and touch you briefly with my love
that will seem to you an eternity~

because in your world
solidity exist and permanancy is attainable..

have you ever stood naked and angry
under a full moon
on a freezing winter night
with snow up to your genitals
and felt nothing??

i doubt it very much.
yet i know you forgive me
and love me
when i don't know why
i strike out and hate you and your god..

i know you love me holding nothing back or against me
for my crimes against your baser self
which provokes the hottest hell in me to burn you..
burn you.. bad..

and in the end i will bake you a pumpkin pie
from the one you carved on hallows eve.
(shall we plant or bake and eat the seeds??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i decided to only post one poem and wait for responses/reactions??(scared little girl look)
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misses chi
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jun, 2006 02:11 pm
WOW folks!! is it THAT bad?? Rolling Eyes Exclamation Question
hopefully everyone is just to busy for a hatchling..
i know it starts out kinda lame.. maybe too abstract in metaphor??
but if it is that bad i can take it, better to hear it here than be thrown out of barnes & noble on open poetry night (if i can get up the nerve)!!
0 Replies
 
misses chi
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jun, 2006 02:11 pm
WOW folks!! is it THAT bad?? Rolling Eyes Exclamation Question
hopefully everyone is just to busy for a hatchling..
i know it starts out kinda lame.. maybe too abstract in metaphor??
but if it is that bad i can take it, better to hear it here than be thrown out of barnes & noble on open poetry night (if i can get up the nerve)!!
:wink:
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jun, 2006 02:20 pm
Sometimes, comments are slow to come in. Sometimes, a very good offering gets lost in the shuffle. I like the poem, although I think it could perhaps be "tightened"- -that is, shortened somewhat. I love your imagery, and I know you are talented. Just have a bit more patience. I think there are those who will find you before long.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Jun, 2006 02:49 pm
Hi.

So glad you're here.

This is a great place to practice writing, with several very talented writers. edgar is one of them.

I'm not qualified to give an opinion, but as a layman, I agree with your own estimation, and edgar's. I think it is too long for the style. The metaphors are too thick, and the sentiment you are trying to express (if I am right about what it is) is so abstract, I couldn't finish reading it.

Initially, I quit here:

you~ crimson transparent white
me~ grey in a black and white world


When I read back so I could give a decent critique, and came upon some of the rest, ... there's just no way to redeem this:

"have you ever
kissed the rain
while you drank your own tears
dancing barefoot and naked
on a mountaintop
in the most violent of thunder and lightning storms"

This:

"yet i know you love me
and have cried in a field of drought
when the one you loved for years and years
loved you not"

miffed me a bit, in truth.

I wanted to hit something when I read this:

"the world you were birthed in has
'HAPPY CHRISTMAS'
written on the door to spring... "

and "the summer storms of my origins"

and this made me think you have a very good sense of humor, and are kidding us.

"have you ever stood naked and angry
under a full moon
on a freezing winter night
with snow up to your genitals
and felt nothing??"

__________________________________


So. You obviously have the volcabulary and knowledge of American holidays to write. Talk about this poem. And, again, welcome. If it makes you feel any better, I wrote stuff pretty close to this at one time. There is also recent stuff of mine here that exudes a fair amount of suckage. You may criticize it if you wish.

Also, writing this, and posting it here is one big step to improving your skill.

Additionally, everything I said could be wrong.

We can all improve.
0 Replies
 
misses chi
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Jun, 2006 05:44 pm
thank you both edgar and lash!!
i greatly appreciate your replies..

lash you crack me up at your reactions/responses and YES i do have a sense of humor. (even about myself!)
that is not to say i do not take seriously your critique of my writing.

edgar, do you have original writings/poetry i may read??
should i try to fix this one up a bit and repost then you can rate it again??

again thank you both so very, very much!!!
( i needed a smile today and you both gave me more than one!! :wink:
0 Replies
 
edgarblythe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Jun, 2006 06:38 pm
I would suggest rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Then post it again. I have personally written many poems not as good as yours, but that is no excuse to limit yourself.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Jun, 2006 07:37 pm
misses chi~~

You are such a pleasure! Hope you'll stay around!! Very Happy
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Jun, 2006 09:17 pm
misses chi, I am not a trained critic, but I found your piece very interesting. I do believe you have talent, and a wonderful way of presenting thoughts. I never know if I am in the mainstream or not, but I did enjoy your work, and I thought I found this piece to be evocative.

You don't need advice from me, but I will say that when my Dad died, we all thought he left school when he was 14 to work and support his family during the depression. That was true, but what he never mentioned was that he finished high school taking night classes. He had a hunger for information and understanding, and he made sure we learned to think for ourselves. It was his gift to us, to assure himself that we would be alright when he could no longer be with us. So don't measure yourself by how many formal years of eduction you have, you are very clearly bright.

Your friends gave you good advice to place your work in public. You took a big step that not many people can take. Brava
0 Replies
 
misses chi
 
  1  
Reply Wed 28 Jun, 2006 04:20 pm
glitterbag, thank you so much for your encouragment and sharing your dads heart and experience in life..
he definitely gave you a treasure!!!

ok! here is another poem!
i am still working on the other(very difficult for me yet a good challenge).

lash and edgar, this one is hopefully not to wordy, but maybe so??
surely just a bit more humor in this one!!

no title

as i reflect on recent past..
he represents himself in the glory of love and light..
today.
he who knows my depths beyond measure..
has me well assured.
and i..
i assure him well.
he is beauty..
incarnate.
clean of conscience..
and of me.
my needy disposition..
for truth and all that is love.
he confirms me..

as i protect myself from harm.
this is the first time..

time.. the enemy and friend to all.

alas! alas!
i cannot have them!
that is all.
oh a'dam! you fool to fall!
and ha'vah! ha'vah!
you wretched thing!
you've given birth..
to tragedy~and comedy~
to cupids arrow!
my heart will sing!

and cupid??

cupid has a heart you know..
i wooed him once so close to me..
i blinded him with ecstasy!

and while his eyes rolled to and fro..
my kisses fluttered up his bow!
when he could stand no more of this..
i christened him.. his arrow bliss!

sc~dec.05

but he that dares not grasp the thorn
should never crave the rose.
_anne bronte, "the narrow way"

here's a sigh to those who love me,
and a smile to those who hate;
and, whatever sky's above me,
here's a heart for every fate.
_lord byron, "to thomas moore"
0 Replies
 
Shapeless
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Jun, 2006 05:00 pm
misses chi wrote:
maybe too abstract in metaphor??


Hi Chi. Just a brief comment: as expressions of sentiment, these are quite lovely, but as poetry I actually find them not abstract enough. They sort of mean just what they say and say just what they mean, which is fine if you're going for straight honesty but I usually like a little more mystery. But of course that's just my take on it.
0 Replies
 
 

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