The Art of Forgiveness

My biggest grudge has lasted over 10 years, things are better now but still not back to normal.
Trying to see things form the other persons point of view is a good idea.I now realise the other person is an insecure ar*ehole.

I've actually been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently. Why we're reluctant to offer it and so desperate to receive it. If forgiveness even truly exists, as more than some existential conundrum.

I'm at a place in my thinking where I feel people are reticient to forgive because to truly forgive is a kind of death. OK, stick with me here. I'm thinking out loud in a sense.

Think of it this way: our identity consists of several factors, of which memory is a rather important one. To forgive someone fully is to completely let go of the anger and pain associated with the memory. All of those immediate and cathartic emotions are made redundant. I don't mean you forget, just that the act of forgiving usurps the memory's power. It becomes dormant. And if you truly let something go, if it no longer acts as a prime mover in an interaction, it dies in a way.

I think perhaps one reason we hold so tightly to emotions like anger and indignation and pain are because they make us feel alive. Even feeling something as unseemly as pain is proof of your existance. It can lead to commiseration, which is another form of validation.

Who are we if not the bearer of scars? Who are we without our grievances? And to truly tell our story, for it to have depth and be remembered, how can we not lace it with acrimony? And where will this bitterness come from if we forgive?

Elsewhere on this site I read something that I really like: "Forgiveness is the scent that a flower leaves on the heel that crushes it"! Now that's beautiful!

One of the problems with the concept of forgiveness is the idea that to forgive is to condone. That, IMO, is a misconception. Forgiveness is simply letting the issue go.............moving on, so to speak.

I have held a grudge for sixty of my sixty three years of life. My step father . But it is not an all consuming thing that defines me or my life. I simply refuse to forgive him and have compartmentalized so that most of the time I don't think about such things. If suddenly it became possible to wipe the slate clean, it would, in short, not change me in a substantial way.

edgarblythe- I think that the operative phrase here is "most of the time". Apparently, your stepfather still has power over you, some of the time.

I know that it is not easy, but if you forgave him, you could be finally free of him, Think about it!

I realized that what most of you mean is that we shouldn't brood on things for too long. That ishat is hazarduous to your health. Take action to vent the frustration, I agree. But to take revenge can be just as helpfull as forgiveness, and a hell of aot more rewarding.

I am not preaching an eye for an eye here. I'm just saying that sometimes it is cowardly to just forgive without vengeance. It depends on the offence taken and on the motives that lay behind them.

I can easily forgive someone who hurts me from ignorance or in weakness induced by desperation or even influenced by substances. But the person who hurts me for the sake of my pain, who seeks to make my life miserable, there is no forgiveness. Only vengeance.

But, revenge has to be inspired, creative and fitting, and it must be so appropriate that it will not be grounds for further offence.

I get the impresson if you forgive someone face to face that has peed you off, it will pee them off.
Its quite tempting, revenge and a sense of calm in one go.

Yes, often that is the case. But only when the one to offend thinks that his bite made no mark.

I believe that it is right to forgive someone who asks it, regardless of wether or not you think they deserve it.
To forgive someone who doesn't ask may also be a good way to go many times.
But at times revenge is the only way to come out of it with your self respect intact. In those cases vengeance has to be taken in such a way that the person who is the subject of it will know exactly why. Otherwise your revenge will not be seen as such, only as another offense, and that is a snowball that can very quickly turn into an avalanche.

I understand what you say, phoenix, but the only way for it to end is with both of us dead.

It's very complicated. Too much to talk about. But I'm listening.

I guess I killed this thread. Sorry, folks.

Phoenix32890 wrote:


I think if the negative behavior is a part of a pattern, ie. continuous lying or cheating, etc, then forgiveness can become polluted. You have to consider if you are actually condoning instead of forgiving. I think to truly be able to forgive someone, it has to be on your own terms and in circumstances where trust can be rebuilt, whether this is trust in a friend or in humanity itself.

Forgiveness has a kind of double focus: the action and the person. You may never condone the action, but perhaps you can forgive the person. I guess the question becomes: when is the action so abhorrent, the person is unforgivable? Because action is a person's thought in motion.

Once you reach a certain level of toxicity, the relationship dies. But then I wonder: why not forgive the person? If your relationship is over and you have no desire to re-establish a relationship, why not forgive?

I suppose issues of power and victimization come into play here. Healing can be a long time coming. But this is also where I come back to how we use forgiveness to shape our identity. What we reject defines us as much as what we accept. And if you forgive, what demarcation remains?

A child was tortured by the adults who were suppose to be taking care of him.
Eventually, he escaped from them.

He could not talk about what had happened to him for a long time, because since he was four years old he had been told that if he did, he would die.

As an adult, he confronted his past with help and aknowledged all that the child had been through. He assured that child that he was not to blame. That what the adults did to him was wrong. That they were the monsters and not him.

It's easy for adults to say 'Forgive' - but what about the child? It was the child who suffered the direct abuse- not the man.

It doesn't matter how rational the adult argument for forgiving is -
what happened to the child was not rational and can not - should never be - forgiven, because the child is still there in that place being threatened and wounded and being told "Forgive me... I didn't mean to... You made me do it..."

If the adult forgives what happened to the child then the child is back to being gagged and told it is his fault.

The adult can only forgive himself - for failing to protect the child - for being too scared to escape the abuse until he was 16

Whenever I speak about such things - I sense the child listening very carefully to what I say and I protect that child.


So.. enough.

Yes, my friend .... the child is still there. And sadly you are right in saying that the child is still wounded and threatened. But my reasoning in thinking that way is a tad variant from yours, probably.

There was a time that I lacked forgiveness for someone that hurt me badly. I held a very high distaste for this person. In the process of healing, I struggled in ways that I can't begin to put into words. My "bad" days were too numerous for me to even feel the "good" days.

There just seemed to be a HUGE block in front of me. Covering up the road ahead of me, so much so, that I couldn't see beyond what I already had. And what I already had, was too intensely painful for me to accept as an ongoing part of my life.

Then one day, I was blessed in meeting a person that knew just how to take my hand and walk me out of my hurt and pain. Or better said ... "He moved that huge boulder that was blocking my view." The rest " I " had to do.

When he first met me, he saw past the smile that I had to give to the public and wondered what in the world ever happened to me to cause such sad eyes. I am eternally grateful that he wanted to help me. I truely credit him for me being where I am in the healing process today.

I don't know if this will make sense to most of you who might read this ... but I have the feeling you will know what I'm talking about, Endymion.

One night we were sitting and talking and he asked me if I trusted him. I said yes .... as a friend. So as a friend, he helped me to get in touch with the little girl that still lives inside of me. At first I laughed at such a suggestion that she could even "exist" ....as I truely felt "old." What he asked me to do sounded "strange." I thought he must be nuts. But I went along with it .... because, well, he was a friend. What would it hurt.

He made me stand in front of a mirror and look at myself. Which I hated to do, by the way. All I saw were hollow eyes and a reminder of all I had left, which to me was nothing anymore. He told me to look past the reflection of myself until I saw that little girl that I once was. It took me forever to do what he wanted me to do .. but I finally "got it."

He then had me sit down in front of him. He has a very gentle, soothing, voice. He kept talking to me while I sat there with my eyes closed. He had me envision myself as a child .... playing in a field of daisies. Frolicking and laughing in this place where innocence could be remembered. He made me feel very calm. And then ...... he goes .. "Look! Do you see her?" I didn't know what I was supposed to be seeing ... so I said no. Then he helped me to see what it was that I was blocking out. Which was the same thing I was blocking in my daily life.

My daughter whom I had lost. The most painful part of who I was, and who I am today. He asked me to take her hand. I could envision her standing there holding her little hand out for me to take it. OMG. I can not tell you what I was going through. You would have thought I would have ran to her. Scooped her up into my arms. But I froze instead.

All of my pain washing over me. EVERY emotion. EVERY incredible stabbing pain of hurt pounding at me. And yes, every single ounce of guilt I carried around. Guilt because I blamed myself for her death. I think maybe a part of me always will in some ways, ya know? Everything came pouring out of me like a ruptured volcano.

He worked with me. Got me to let my emotions spill out....and through the child in me ... he got me to feel like I was worthy of my own child's love again. Worthy of her touch. Worthy enough to realize that even though she was taken from me.... she knew my love. And my love will always surround her, no matter where's she's at. For a Mothers love for her child transcends all time and never dies.

This helped me to forgive my X (and myself) and start to heal. Though I can't stand my X !

Endymion, yes the child inside is indeed listening and you will forever protect. Just don't do it to the point of slamming doors shut that need to be opened. What I have learned is that the child inside of all of us is always there, albeit hidden at times. And sometimes that child is the carrier of all wisdom. The teacher of life. The lover of truth. The master of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift, indeed ....given to yourself, NOT because the other person deserves it. But, instead, because YOU deserve it ... so you can move on.

Something tells me that little child inside is smarter than ya think, and is wanting to move on, too.

It's brave of you to share that JBB

I can't defend how I feel - because I don't want to go into it. (Although, to some extent I think I do shift that 'block' a little through writing poetry).

I'm sure that many people will relate and gain hope from your words - so many thanks for posting.

Endy