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Thu 25 May, 2006 07:26 am
i wear the night sky a long flowing dress and a ravens feather
my skin is pale, silver, the moon
i am through all the closed doors your afraid to open and behind all the corners your afraid to look around
my favourite words are not words but a shrill scream
i am not going anywhere for i am already there
i live in your mind so you cannot escape
my voice is a whisper that youll never forget
i am nightmare
tell me what you think... wether its good or if you know anything that could make it better.
x (^_^) x
Well, for one thing get the spelling right-- it's "you're" (as in you are) not "your" (as in belongs to you). Also, it's you'll, not youll. As a poet, words are your metier, your media for transmitting your message. Improper spelling or misuse of words (unless deliberately done) is like a carpenter using crooked boards to craft a fine cabinet. You may well end up with something in the end, but it will probably be neither what you originally intended nor as beautiful.
Other than that, if I can be brutally honest, it rather sounds more like a riddle than a poem. But not bad for a first effort, in my opinion.
Noting your location may I suggest a title - Wails from Wales
To be blunt, it's diabolical.
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