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The Knights of Falor p.3 (Fantasy: 907 words)

 
 
Reply Sat 11 Mar, 2006 06:03 pm
Here is part THREE of the prologue, if you have not read parts one and two, here are the links:

Part I: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=70814&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

Part II: http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=70891&highlight=

Prologue: Part III

The stone walls of the dungeon shed tears from times of agony, pain and hatred. Carvings of odd pictures were etched into the walls, mysterious and different from the odd, continuously smooth walls. The floor and staircase were of callous stone, and were the color of pitch black denial. An audience clapped silently after each step of the staircase, the deep-set rock absorbing the steel in the guard's boots. Arthur followed the sapphire-cloaked man, with the guards tracking him in a single file order. They spun around the tight curves of the staircase, feeling the grooves in the stone for support against the steep, small steps. The steps ended and with a cobalt flourish, the man snickered and led them deeper in the dungeon, following hallways that smelled of a mix of blood, vinegar and dying souls.

The man led the sentries down the gloomy passage, his awkward stride now an incredibly open, wide stance; his goal seemed to be moving the legs as far as possible, each and every step. Rain dropped in from the ceiling, and every now and then a slight pitter-patter was heard. The rain was like the cloaked man, odd and full of deceit, you never knew when it was going to fall upon you.

The guards had never been to the dungeons; they were just the Lord's hired guard. Even now, the guards had no clue why they were going into the dungeons, or why they kept following the mysterious figure. Fargus eyed the man questionably, and tried to complain with the Captain as they turned another corner in the passage. The Captain brushed off the notion, and followed the grade as they went dove deeper and deeper into the catacombs.

They had walked for about an hour straight, when they finally reached the cell. The company of guards looked into the prison, starring into nothingness. There was nothing there. No one was in the cell. The bars were snapped, and were the homes of rust and cobwebs- straying from the cracked and obtuse stone floor. The roof was slightly caved in, and patches of sand and dust lay growing in the corners. The man snickered again- his laugh was somewhat ominous. Fargus began to stutter, beginning to get the picture, slightly after the rest of the company.
"Th… Ther… There's notin' there Cap'n." The Captain didn't respond, so the cloaked man took responsibility.
"You see Fargus," He strolled along the guard's line, his voice hissing like a python. "This is what I was ordered to do. I was ordered- to come here, to kill you." The man drew a blood-red saber from beneath his cloak.
"Let's make it quick, yes?" He struck down on Fargus, bringing the sword down and jabbing it through his heart, and Fargus collapsed to his knees, gripping his stomach.

Now all the guards had caught on. They drew their blades, and set a position to attack. The man leapt at the guard closest to Fargus, and struck. The guard's blade was sliced in half, as was his mail. He too fell to his knees, screaming as his life drained away as each drop of blood hit cold stone. The man laughed again, standing in front of the company of guards, feeding off their hatred at his betrayal. The Captain rushed forward, and dove at the cloaked man, bringing them both to the floor. With incredible speed, the man flipped the Captain over, slit his throat, and got up effortlessly, continuing his interrupted laugh. Some of the guards panicked, and began to flee down the corridor- but the man raised his hand and the ceiling fell upon them, drowning him in debris. There were two guards left- a stout, muscular guard who held a large axe, and Arthur.

The wrathful cloaked man stepped through the negritude and closer to remaining duo. His foreboding laugh still rang through the hallways, as he swirled his sword in an expert maneuver. He charged at the man with the axe, and slid beneath his feet, swinging his sword as he did so; to neatly cut his legs. The guard yelled in agony, and fell to the floor like the rest of the company.

"So you are the last one standing then- what is your name?" The man cocked his head as he put his sword over his shoulder. "Ar… Arthur…" Arthur said, in shock from all his dead companions surrounding him. The man un-cocked his head. "Goodbye, Arthur." The man seemed to think this was comical, so he laughed again. Arthur stepped back towards the landslide, holding his sword in a defensive position. Once again, the man did his usual dash towards his opponent. Arthur dodged the first jab, and thrust his sword out, ripping off the man's cloak. The man grimaced, and threw a hard punch at Arthur's face, sending him flying into the fallen debris. He walked towards Arthur's body, and picked him up with inhuman strength, and starred right into his eyes.
"Do you know what I am, Arthur?" Arthur struggled to reply starring into three eyes, and got out a wobbly "No…"
"Good." The man threw Arthur against the stone wall, and a loud crack resounded from the catacombs. Arthur fell to the ground, barely breathing, crippled, and unconscious. The man walked away, clearing the debris with a sweep of his hands, his burnt flesh, and monstrous, hulking form, plowing through the wreckage.
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contrex
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 Mar, 2006 09:53 am
I take it that criticism is what you are asking for?

Please take these remarks as meant to be constructive...

How are carvings "etched" exactly? Etching involves using acid to eat away material. If you meant it figuratively, well OK, but it's clumsy.

The carvings are different from the "continuously" smooth walls - are these the same walls? How can they be continuously smooth and carved at the same time?

Sapphire cloaked, cobalt flourish, black denial, too many colours here!

Fargus eyed the man questionably - don't you mean questioningly?

Complain to - not complain with.

obtuse stone floor????

The company of guards looked into the prison, starring into nothingness. - misspelling of "staring"

There was nothing there. No one was in the cell. You said three times that the cell was empty. That's 2 times too many.

I don't like the word "snicker". Too American vernacular.

Fargus gets stabbed thru the heart, yet he grabs his stomach...

He charged at the man with the axe, and slid beneath his feet, swinging his sword as he did so; to neatly cut his legs. - misuse of semicolon

The guard yelled in agony, and fell to the floor like the rest of the company. - I thought some of them had panicked and run off down the corridor, yet here they are on the floor???

The man un-cocked his head. Please! Heads may be cocked, (especially on Planet Cliché) but they are never, ever "uncocked". Believe me.

and starred right into his eyes. Misspelling of 'stared' (see 'starring' above)

Too many Americanisms - "dove", "plowed", "snickered", etc.

I'm sorry but I really hate this sort of over-writing! It's like a movie which is nothing but special effects and no plot or acting. Actually it's like loads of those stupid swords-and-sorcery novels my son reads. So you may have a successful career ahead of you.
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Drowned By Darkness
 
  1  
Reply Sun 12 Mar, 2006 12:53 pm
Thanks for the opinion. I actually like more harsh critisms- it gives me more to look at. Since I have too many americanisms, what do you request I change them to?
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Mame
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2006 11:57 am
Don't despair, Sam! The criticisms are justified, but you've heard them before. Believe me, simple and stark is often better.

Too many metaphors often just seem take away from the story, ie.:

Sam sliced through the water and swam to the other side of the lake. OR

Sam sliced through the water like a knife through butter and swam to the other side of the lake. OR

Sam quickly sliced through the icy, cold water like a gleaming, sharp knife through butter that had been left out on the counter too long and energetically swam to the other, far side of the crystalline, yet azure blue lake.

LOL - I favour the first! LOL

Point: We all know how you slice through something and don't necessarily need it spelled out.

If you reserve your metaphors and descriptors for setting the mood and empahsizing, it will be a much cleaner and more enjoyable read; as well, you will keep the tension taut.

When editing, ask yourself, "Is this word/phrase/metaphor necessary?"
This is especially true within the same paragraph Smile

Go back and look at stories you've liked and write down what hooked you on them...

And don't give up! You have talent, Sam.
0 Replies
 
Drowned By Darkness
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2006 12:29 pm
Thanks Mame, I appriciate your advice, it really helps.
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contrex
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Mar, 2006 01:41 pm
I agree with mame. You have talent and imagination. Keep at it.
0 Replies
 
 

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