The Knights of Falor (CRITIQUE PLEASE!)

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This is part two of the prologue, if you wish to see part one, follow this link-

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=70814&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

It needs a little work, but it provides a good twist. ANY FEEDBACK IS WELCOME

Prologue: Part II

Fire licked across the oil-drenched wooden log; slowly engulfing it in a massive tsunami of flames. A man lay on it, screaming and panicking as the heat began to eat away at his flesh. Burns began to unfold on his skin; blisters popped and shattered as he yelled out for some sort of god to save him from this unholy act. A splash of water galloped down from the roof, drenching the fire and the badly burnt man. The man began to have seizures and go into shock, shaking left and right, scraping his hot rash against the burnt oaken log. Laughter omitted from behind a thick glass wall; only shadows could be seen, but it was definitely a presence of guile and hatred. Its voice came from the speakers surrounding the torture chamber, "Will you tell me, now?"

* * *

It was a sad time for Contayarr. The moon sat upon the sky, looking down at the poor limestone buildings, and the palace that towered over them. Wind rustled betwixt the city, and gusts befuddled the palace windows, and created soft sand flurries. The powerful stone walls of the palace shadowed the lower city, its golden parapets shining a newly esteemed glory- as the moon glanced and then turned away.

Arthur and the company of guards stood solemnly before Lord Herriot, in the calm throne room within the palace. The floor was made by thick marble, shining with a golden polish that matched well with the gold-plated throne. The throne room was an entire dome of glass, and its main show was the sliver of a moon in the night sky. Lord Herriot was wearing deep crimson robes, and a gauntly silver chain. The Lord had a darkened expression upon his face, and seemed overwhelmed with matters at hand. Beside the Lord, was a mid-sized angular man hidden beneath a deep blue cloak, with only his mouth to be seen. Arthur and the guards were nervous, but nevertheless they presented the previous attempt. The Captain bowed down, slow and solemnly before the Lord, his hefty body sinking with his clinking chain mail. He returned his stance, and the rest of the sentries followed suit. Lord Herriot nodded, and the Captain began his statement.
"Strong Lor' Herriot, we come wit' bad news. You bez spectin' us ta' common in ere' wit dat darn thieve's ead', but we didn't. He go got aways from us sees, one sec'und we had'em, and der nex' we was starrin at in' empty wall. You see Lor'"
The Captain began to continue on, but Lord Herriot interrupted him, and began to pace in front of his throne. "Captain Reesh, you do not have to explain yourself. I expected this to happen, so I placed extra sentries on watch; without your notice. We have caught the thief. He is in one of our cells now." The Lord stopped his pacing, and whispered in the ear of the man with the sapphire cloak. The Captain tried to speak, and murmuring shot through the guard's ranks. The Lord immediately silenced them by raising a hand, still continuing with his matter with the cloaked man. Arthur could see a smile beneath the man's cloak- an alien smile. It had sharp, twisting teeth, and had a slight curve of deceit and treachery on its mind. The Lord stopped his message to the shadowy man, and returned to his throne. The man left in a hurry, his paces quick as he shot between the guards. The Lord showed the company a wicked smile, and waved a hand for them to follow the mysterious cloaked hire.
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Thanks for reading,
Sam

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My goal is to have about a four page prologue, which is short, but its hard to right in this type of view.

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Wow. No one has read part two really. Surprising. Anyway, P.3 is finshed...

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I've read it Sam.

I'm not sure what to say.

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Re: The Knights of Falor (CRITIQUE PLEASE!)
D--

I have underlined and added comments in ().

I have not addressed punctuation or grammar, for that matter, as these are not major weaknesses.

Drowned By Darkness wrote:

This is part two of the prologue, if you wish to see part one, follow this link-

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=70814&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

It needs a little work, but it provides a good twist. ANY FEEDBACK IS WELCOME

Prologue: Part II

Fire licked across the oil-drenched wooden log; slowly engulfing it in a massive tsunami (this is one of many examples that I'll underline--which denotes the word choice is pretentious, or clumsy)of flames. A man lay on it, screaming and panicking (this description of the man burning is tight [although, you should describe it further with a few more sentences] and you tell it in a way that many people can't BUT panicking, for me, is a word when a mother has misplaced her car keys. ) as most as the heat began to eat away at his flesh. Burns began to unfold on his skin; blisters popped and shattered as he yelled out for some sort of god to save him from this unholy act. (Instead of editorializing what kind of act it is--show more!) A splash of water galloped (no, it didn't) down from the roof, drenching the fire and the badly burnt man. The man (new word for man) began to have seizures and go into shock, (don't diagnose him, tell us what happened to him)shaking left and right, scraping his hot rash against the burnt oaken log. Laughter omitted (emitted, and that's still not the best word choice) )from behind a thick glass wall; only shadows could be seen, but it was definitely (you've got a gothic mood, definitely breaks it, like a Valley Girl recited The Raven) a presence of guile and hatred. Its voice came from the speakers surrounding the torture chamber, "Will you tell me, now?" [This scene has promise, and you are good enough to keep the action tight, and stay with the mood.]

* * *

It was a sad time for Contayarr. The moon sat upon the sky, looking down at the poor limestone buildings, and the palace that towered over them. Wind rustled betwixt (demerit)the city, and gusts befuddled (I really like personification, but pick a better one) the palace windows, and created soft sand flurries. The powerful stone walls of the palace shadowed the lower city, its golden parapets shining a newly esteemed (what did you mean by this?)glory- as the moon glanced, and then turned away.

Arthur and the company of guards stood solemnly before Lord Herriot, in the calm throne room within the palace. The floor was made by thick marble, shining with a golden polish that matched well with the gold-plated throne. The throne room was an entire dome of glass, and its main show was the sliver of a moon in the night sky. Lord Herriot was wearing deep crimson robes, and a gauntly (is this a word?) silver chain. The Lord had a darkened expression upon his face, and seemed overwhelmed with matters at hand. Beside the Lord, was a mid-sized angular man hidden beneath a deep blue cloak, with only his mouth to be seen. Arthur and the guards were nervous, but nevertheless they presented the previous attempt. The Captain bowed down, slow and solemnly before the Lord, his hefty body sinking with his clinking chain mail. He returned his stance, and the rest of the sentries followed suit. Lord Herriot nodded, and the Captain began his statement.
"Strong Lor' Herriot, we come wit' bad news. You bez spectin' us ta' common in ere' wit dat darn thieve's ead', but we didn't. He go got aways from us sees, one sec'und we had'em, and der nex' we was starrin at in' empty wall. You see Lor'"
The Captain began to continue on, but Lord Herriot interrupted him, and began to pace in front of his throne. "Captain Reesh, you do not have to explain yourself. I expected this to happen, so I placed extra sentries on watch; without your notice. We have caught the thief. He is in one of our cells now." The Lord stopped his pacing, and whispered in the ear of the man with the sapphire cloak. The Captain tried to speak, and murmuring shot through the guard's ranks. The Lord immediately silenced them by raising a hand, still continuing with his matter with the cloaked man. Arthur could see a smile beneath the man's cloak- an alien smile. It had sharp, twisting teeth, and had a slight curve of deceit and treachery on its mind. The Lord stopped his message to the shadowy man, and returned to his throne. The man left in a hurry, his paces quick as he shot (you have used shot appropriately previously, but no so good here) between the guards. The Lord showed the company a wicked smile, and waved a hand for them to follow the mysterious cloaked hire.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading,
Sam

-------------------------

My goal is to have about a four page prologue, which is short, but its hard to right in this type of view.

Your talents lie in keeping a story tight--or moving the action carefully. That's no simple feat. You also have, what seems to me, to be an engaging plot. Again, not peanuts. Quite good for you. Considering our age, I think you have promise as a good writer.

On the downside, you have a maddening habit of making pretentious choices with your words. Someone else has called it overwriting. I have the same habit, and it irritatets me to no end that I can't say what I want to say.

But, I can't.

And, neither can you.

Your word choices are legal--meaning they don't break grammatical law, but they DO break the flow of the reading. Readers aren't forgiving enough to stop, pause, consider your word, approve it and move on. They only know they had to stop,and now,they've lost interest.

Keep the flow.

Lose the nutty words.

If you want Capt'n Reesh to be a humourous figure, you may keep his dialogue. Otherwise, try again.

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Thanks Lash, I hate myself for those words, but I guess it's who I am. I am going to edit over it a few more times, and get rid of those words. I also have been told that Reesh's accent was a bit much, and I am putting that down to a minimum. Thanks for reading, and the advice.

-Yes, Guantly is a word, it means thin.

Spendius: I guess it's a bad thing then? :wink:

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Sam-

The difficulty I have is your age.

I'm in a bind.I certainly don't want to discourage you in any way.It is a good thing to have an ambition to write and to put behind that ambition a lot of effort.

I think your choice of subject is far too melodramatic for a beginner.You seem to be over-reaching for a 15 year old.That is causing your style to be forced almost as if you are growing orchids for show.You are trying to describe things you have never seen.

My advice would be to spend the next few years writing about things you have seen and experienced.A ride on a bus or a long distance train.Or shop windows.Or a rock concert.Anything really as long as you know about it.That way you will gradually refine your observational powers and that is just as important for a writer as the mode of description.Maybe more so.
And I would look for examples of experienced writers doing just that.In newspapers and magazines.And see the tricks they use to keep their readers attention.Even sales brochures.

In good writing the author's skills are hardly noticed, if at all,as with an illusionist.

You are unlikely to progress far without a large amount of reading.You aim too high at this stage.
Youthful enthusiasm is great but it needs discipline.

So I would advise you to forget this subject.Try "Breakfast At Home" and see if you can tinge it with a little self-criticism.Not a lot.

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Reading is the best thing you can do at this point.

Also, like spendi suggests, a paragraph or two, written every day in a journal about a scene or a person...something you saw that day.

You will progress.

Smile

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Alright. Thanks Spendius and Lash, I will have to try the paragraph thing. It does sound like it will help me out.

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Hey! I know a descriptive writer here, who you may benefit from studying.

I'll bring a link.

I know the juice is boiling to write. Been there. I thought reading stole time from writing, but it deeply enhances your writing.

Anyhoo, going for the link.

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I like it, Sam, very much. I enjoyed reading it and looked forward to each line. I particularly like and agree with Lash's comments, so won't repeat them... however, a couple things I would point out:

how can a throne room be calm? You are attributing human traits to an inaminate object. Be careful! Smile

Gauntly silver chain - ... just say silver chain. Gaunt is used more with people not objects. Does it matter if it's thin or thick? Use your decriptives on things that really matter; otherwise, your reader gets tired of adjective upon adjective. I would add, also that the Lord had a dark expression, not darkened, but that's a minor quibble.

I really like:

Fire licked across the oil-drenched wooden log (had me shivering!!)

The moon sat upon the sky - very well done!

and created soft sand flurries - evocative

Anyway, you get the drift. I would love to read more of your work. Keep it coming!

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Thanks for the positives mame, and for the guantly is for people- I didn't know that Very Happy

I am glad you like it.

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My pleasure, Sam... bring on the next one Smile

You're doing extremely well for a 15 yr old, believe me.

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Thanks- I have already finished the next one. Here is the link:

Part III

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Don't despair, Sam! The criticisms are justified, but you've heard them before. Believe me, simple and stark is often better.

Too many metaphors often just seem take away from the story, ie.:

Sam sliced through the water and swam to the other side of the lake. OR

Sam sliced through the water like a knife through butter and swam to the other side of the lake. OR

Sam quickly sliced through the icy, cold water like a gleaming, sharp knife through butter that had been left out on the counter too long and energetically swam to the other, far side of the crystalline, yet azure blue lake.

LOL - I favour the first! LOL

Point: We all know how you slice through something and don't necessarily need it spelled out.

If you reserve your metaphors and descriptors for setting the mood and empahsizing, it will be a much cleaner and more enjoyable read; as well, you will keep the tension taut.

When editing, ask yourself, "Is this word/phrase/metaphor necessary?"
This is especially true within the same paragraph

Go back and look at stories you've liked and write down what hooked you on them...

And don't give up! You have talent, Sam.

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Mame wrote-

Quote:

Sam quickly sliced through the icy, cold water like a gleaming, sharp knife through butter that had been left out on the counter too long and energetically swam to the other, far side of the crystalline, yet azure blue lake.

If you can do a male version of that Sam you're in business.

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Lash wrote-

Quote:

I know the juice is boiling to write. Been there. I thought reading stole time from writing, but it deeply enhances your writing.

That's classy too Sam.I'd change "writing" to "it".I prefer that rhythm.

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Quote:

how can a throne room be calm? You are attributing human traits to an inaminate object. Be careful!

Isn't it personification, or is that pathetic fallacy? I think that's personification. Bah I'm not sure.

Good for you for writing a novel Sam. It has a consistent tone.

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The Knights of Falor (CRITIQUE PLEASE!)

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