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Wed 8 Mar, 2006 11:26 pm
Ok. I like this piece. It's not much at the moment, this was mainly for me so far, to get my characters out of my head. All the feedback is welcome, and be as harsh as you can, I can take it.
Intro:
A single, small, dexterous rouge surveyed the desert stalls of Contayarr. The soil beneath his feet was a thin coating of dust and dirts swept in by a sandstorm that now lay over solid rock. The thief's eyes flickered, watching the optics of each and every person as they walked by him in his shadowed hiding in the alcove of a desolate building. From across the street, the Guards of Contayarr had spotted him, and were watching him from the rooftops of the homes. He slipped out from beneath the doorway, and sidled into the crowd of the market square. The guards hustled around the rooftops, trying to get a visual of the rouge, but couldn't seem to get one. A bulky guard whispered to the man next to him. "Arthur, climb down this rotten building and follow that damned thief, Ren. We cannot afford to let him get away from us again."
The young man who the guard was talking to quickly responded. "Aye, sir, I'll be down in a jiff." As Arthur climbed down the side of the building, the thief down below made another move. He was now visible again on the side of the market, slinking around the stalls, panting for breath. The rouge glanced right, and saw Arthur scaling down the side of the building. He picked up his pace, and shot down a nearby alleyway.
Arthur saw the thief shoot down the alley, and as his feet hit the dust, he could here the large guard yelling at him, and could almost imagine the spit flying from his mouth. "Arthur, follow him! He is getting away again!" Arthur ignored the guard, for he already was picking up his pace, pushing through the blind buyers of the merchant stalls. He made it across the street, and slid down the alleyway, seeing slight footprints left in the dust. He followed the prints to a solid stone wall, and scaled it easily, but he already knew he was too late. Ren must have fled the city.
The small group of guards had crossed around the building tops, and where now above Arthur. They looked down at him, each one of them with a grimace on their face. They all knew the simple truth; Lord Herriot would not be pleased.
Ren waited for the guards to leave, and crept out from below a thin space between cracked openings along the wall. It took a good five minutes to get out of, but it was worth the effort. Despite the fact that he could not leave the city yet, Ren was smiling, and proud of his escape from the Royal Guard. He walked out from the alleyway, and back into the unforgiving crowd of the market square.
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Thanks.
Re: CRITIQUE PLEASE!
I liked it, too! You keep it tight. The most distracting aspect in this piece, to me, was word choice, and some phrasing. But, you stay with it, and show alot, which is important. You have talent.
I'm going to underline some questionable (distracting) word choices and phrasing. I'm not going to do the punctuation tonight. But, again. Very good.
Drowned By Darkness wrote:Ok. I like this piece. It's not much at the moment, this was mainly for me so far, to get my characters out of my head. All the feedback is welcome, and be as harsh as you can, I can take it.
Intro:
A single, small, dexterous (too many if including dexterous) rouge (rogue) surveyed the desert stalls of Contayarr. The soil beneath his feet was a thin coating of dust and dirts swept in by a sandstorm that now lay over solid rock. The thief's eyes flickered, watching the optics (?) of each and every person as they walked by him in his shadowed hiding in the alcove of a desolate building. From across the street, the Guards of Contayarr had spotted him, and were watching him from the rooftops of the homes. He slipped out from beneath the doorway, and sidled into the crowd of the market square. The guards hustled around the rooftops, trying to get a visual of the rouge, but couldn't seem to get one. A bulky guard whispered to the man next to him. "Arthur, climb down this rotten building and follow that damned thief, Ren. We cannot afford to let him get away from us again."
The young man who the guard was talking to quickly responded. "Aye, sir, I'll be down in a jiff." As Arthur climbed down the side of the building, the thief down below made another move. He was now visible again on the side of the market, slinking around the stalls, panting for breath. The rouge glanced right, and saw Arthur scaling down the side of the building. He picked up his pace, and shot down a nearby alleyway.
Arthur saw the thief shoot down (not shoot, shot twice so close together) the alley, and as his feet hit the dust, he could here the large guard yelling at him, and could almost imagine the spit flying from his mouth. "Arthur, follow him! He is getting away again!" Arthur ignored the guard, for he already was picking up his pace, pushing through the blind (are all the buyers blind?) buyers of the merchant stalls. He made it across the street, and slid down the alleyway, seeing slight footprints left in the dust. He followed the prints to a solid stone wall, and scaled it easily, but he already knew he was too late. Ren must have fled the city.
The small group of guards had crossed around the building tops, and where now above (OK, you meant were...) Arthur. They looked down at him, each one of them with a grimace on their face. They all knew the simple truth; Lord Herriot would not be pleased.
Ren waited for the guards to leave, and crept out from below a thin space between cracked openings along the wall. It took a good five minutes to get out of, but it was worth the effort. (That's sort of too obvious, but say something else about how difficult it was for him to get out.) Despite the fact that he could not leave the city yet, Ren was smiling, and proud of his escape from the Royal Guard. He walked out from the alleyway, and back into the unforgiving crowd of the market square.
------------------------------------------ --- ------------------------------------------
Thanks.
I hope you'll treat us with your revisions. I want to know why Ren is running and how he fares!
This is just an opinion. :wink:
Same opinion. My first thought was to burn the thesaurus. It does like the entire story would be interesting.
Yep. He's found a thesaurus.
I did that with much more dreadful results.
Sometimes people have to go through that and then cut back, I think.
Hi!
Thanks for the feedback, I will get to those revisions right away. Glad you like it. I hope to have added more to it by tomarrow, and thanks again for the help.
Look D by D-
It's terrible.I don't think a publisher's reader would go more than three lines.
The best advice I can give you is to Google Salammbo and study the text carefully.You ought to try to learn from the masters before you set pen to paper.The scene is worth 2000 words.At least.
Flaubert sweat Salammbo for over five years.Get all his books,especially the 2 vols of Letters.
Beware flattery.
However harsh that might sound it is intended to help.
Thanks, I don't mind a harsh reply. I will look up Salmmbo. Keep in mind I am only 15, and I am still fine-tuning my writing.
spendius wrote:Look D by D-
It's terrible.I don't think a publisher's reader would go more than three lines.
The best advice I can give you is to Google Salammbo and study the text carefully.You ought to try to learn from the masters before you set pen to paper.The scene is worth 2000 words.At least.
Flaubert sweat Salammbo for over five years.Get all his books,especially the 2 vols of Letters.
Beware flattery.
However harsh that might sound it is intended to help.
It is good for you to consider all opinions, but for your writing level, I thought it was great.
I would never falsely flatter someone. Beginning writers, if they show talent, deserve encouragement. I wasn't judging it for publication, but for a stand alone piece of writing by what I considered to be a young guy on the internet.
For what it is, I thought it was great.
D by D-
15 is a bit young for Salammbo.I didn't realise you are that young.Try Rider Haggard.He's great with words.Great stories too.King Solomon's Mines and She and Ayesha probably best.
But when you're reading study the words and how it's done.
Your piece isn't bad for 15 and as long as you take it forward there's promise in it.Watch out for repetitions."Guard" for example.
Instead of "surveyed"- screwed up his eyes against the sharp,slanting light-etc.Go out in low dazzling light and survey something.And your hot and hungry and skint.Imagine what it's like.Describe that.A single (bad word),small,(bad word) dextrous (bad word) rogue (iffy).He could be anywhere.Pin striped tuxedo.You have to catch a readers interest in your first sentence.Clothes.The stalls lend themselves to imaginative writing.The dogs.The rivulets of goodness knows what.
Do that first sentence over and over.Make it three paragraphs.Put your reader there.Smells.
Try five pages.Really work on it.
But see how others do it.Imitate them.You'll get your own styles when you can do that.
At the same time, don't overdo it on the info. Some people like long, descriptive, mundane and boring bullsh**. Other's prefer a minute amount of information, a scintillating breath of description that then allows them to engage their imagination.
Smells, the feeling of sand, the color of the robes, the feel of the fabric against the skin. . . used in moderation these can provide a refreshing read. Overdone they become burdensome and tiring.
Keep at it!
And sometimes, you can make five pages out of it, then edit back to one perfect sentence.
Yup.
Faulkner....Hemingway...lots there in the middle....
roger wrote-
Quote:And sometimes, you can make five pages out of it, then edit back to one perfect sentence.
Steady on roger.We'll be creating a new Dylan with that.
I agree with these posts.We'll make a writer out of the lad.I'll be Sergeant Growler.
Hey-Lash-
What do think about this first sentence for a autobiog-
"I was in bed with the catamite when the archbishop called to tell me that the prime minister had resigned."
I might not quite have it right.I'm going off memory.
Anybody starts a book with "I" has to think he's good and when I read that I thought "Yes-he is good.I'll buy this."
Thanks for all the feedback, I will fix it up and make it more detailed.
This part is now revised, and I think it sounds better. If you want to see it, it is under
"Revised (CRITIQUE PLEASE!)"
spendius wrote:Hey-Lash-
What do think about this first sentence for a autobiog-
"I was in bed with the catamite when the archbishop called to tell me that the prime minister had resigned."
I might not quite have it right.I'm going off memory.
Anybody starts a book with "I" has to think he's good and when I read that I thought "Yes-he is good.I'll buy this."
The Prime Minister wasn't fleshed out enough, and I needed a bit of nudity. You know, you have to grab them and give them porno in that first sentence....
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