HOW A2K SAVED MY LIFE.... MARVELLOUS!

Date: 10th March 2005

2.30am

Location: God knows. Somewhere in the North Sea.


I sat up with a start! Something had woken me from a rather disturbing dream involving a middle aged Petty Officer and a tube of superglue.
I pulled on the light cord which illuminated my cabin, and my heart skipped a beat. The cabin was definitely tilting. Packet food was strewn across the floor and several cupboard doors were open.
A strange and ominous creaking noise emanated from the bilge area below, then, before I could reach for my monocle, a loud bang caused the whole boat to shudder. The bang was followed by a long, slow grating noise which rather reminded me of my latin master at Eton, when he tried to attract the attention of an unruly class. Nails being dragged down a blackboard.

I leapt out of my bunk, crunching some spilled pasta shells, the shard like splinters cutting into my left heel.
"Bugger, I'm sinking" I said to myself, as I made my way to the door. Up on deck it was as cold as a penguin's penis, pitch black and blowing a gale. The stars told me that I was pointing due south, which was strange, as I was positive that when I went to bed, I had set the rudder on a course of Nor by norwest, on an easterly bearing with only a tad of southerly aspect.

I made my way back to the cabin, cleared the cornflakes away from the radio set and switched it on. Help was needed, and fast. Crackling static came from the little speaker as I looked around the equipment for the microphone. I located an empty socket and suddenly remembered that about three hours before, in a state of alcoholic relaxedness, I had been tuned in to a Norwegian fishing vessel, and we had been singing old sea shanties to one another. I had been jigging about a bit, and at one stage the microphone had come unplugged. "Double Bugger!" I wailed, and started what turned out to be a fruitless search for the item in question.

"What the hell do I do now?" I thought, and then it hit me, literally. At that moment, as if it were a helping hand from the black icy depths, my laptop fell out of the overhead locker and smacked me on the head.

I thanked Lord Neptune and quickly plugged it into the sattelite hook up. "Come on, come on, damn you" I shouted in anger, as the thing slowly booted up.
There was another bang, and the vessel lurched to starboard. Another long, slow grating noise. I instinctively knew that the old girl couldn't take much more of this, and so took a large swig of rum in order to quell my panic. The sweet liquid warmed my innards as the windows music suddenly started up.
I quickly logged onto google and typed "Help. Sinking" into the mighty search engine.

The result showed only four hits, so I quickly clicked the top one. A calming blue screen instantly came into view, with the words "Ask an Expert" at the top. MARVELLOUS!
I quickly registered and looked for the "Mariners in distress" section. Unable to locate this, I decided to go for the "General" section, and quickly started a thread. "Someone there would notify the authorities, and rescue will arrive", I whispered to myself, and felt a wave of comfort pass through my body.

I now draw from memory, the exact sequence of events........

Thread title: "HELP.....SINKING ( OUTRAGEOUS!) "

Opening post : "Quick, someone help me.....I'm sinking"

Ten seconds later, a reply......

Walter Hinteler : Hello, velkomm to A2K. I hopp zat you enchoy it here.

Me: Never mind about all that old bollocks! I'm sinking, I tell you.

Walter Hinteler : OK, zo.....vot are you sinking about?

Me: What?

Walter Hinteler : You zay you are sinking. Vot are you sinking about. Maybe you need to post zis in ze philosophy zection.

Me: What the ?.....Bloody German, I'll bet! ....I'm sorry old boy, but you're no bloody use at all. Could you get me someone else, there's a good chappy.

Walter Hinteler : I can find you a zergut link if you vish.

Me : Link? Bloody link? PLEASE get someone else who can help me, I am still sinking.

Walter Hinteler : You English do a lot of sinking. Not much doing though, zat is vy you make zuch crap cars.

Me: GO AND GET SOMEONE ELSE, FOR CHRISSAKES MAN!

Walter Hinteler : I could always get Calamity Jane....

Me: Is she English?

Walter Hinteler : Nein, she is german.

Me: Is this a German website?

Walter Hinteler : Nein, zey are mainly amerikanners.

Me : AN AMERICAN!..... That'll do nicely. Do you know one? What's his name so I can do a search?

Walter Hinteler : Gustav Ratzenhoffer.

Me: NO....JEEZ!.....A YANK! I WANT A YANK!

Walter Hinteler : You vant a yank? You naughty boy, is zat all you Englischers sink about. Is ZAT vot you are sinking now?

Me : OUTRAGEOUS! It is my BOAT that is sinking. Oh, I think I'll give up.....

Letty : Hello, are you in some kind of trouble, darlin'? <smile>

Me : Yes....thank god!..... I'm sinking.

Letty : Would you like me to play you a sinking song?

Me : Wha...?

Letty : I could play you the theme song from Titanic if you....

Me : NO......B-L-O-O-D-Y H-E-L-L !! ....Look, I am somewhere in the North Sea, sinking by the stern and am in need of help. FAST!

Walter Hinteler : You vont I should get you a ghost card?

Me : A ghost card? What the bloody hell do I want with one of those?

Walter Hinteler : Vell, zey normally send out a chopper to rescue you.

Me : AT LAST! ...HE UNDERSTANDS! ...MARVELLOUS! ....Yes Walter, I would like a ghost card.

Eva : You want a ghost card? It's not halloween yet, sorry. I could always get you a glass of cabernet with a fine puff pastry.

Me : Are you ALL boody mad there?

Kickycan : Hey, there's no need to have a cow, dude.

Me : Don't tell me, you're from the bauvine section, right?

gustavratzenhoffer : You want to buy a cow? My cousin Fritz sells cows. I would recommend a Fresian, as it sounds cold out there.

Me : Now listen, you bunch of freaks from god knows where.....I am sinking fast, I can see water coming in...

Walter Hinteler : You can't zee me comink in, as I am in my home at zis moment mit Mrs Walter.

Brandon : Who is this dude? Some kind of agitator?

Farmerman : He sounds as if he is in trouble on the high sea. I know about boats, what is your problem?

SlappyDooHoo: I bet he's some smacked up bitchwhacker, who gets his rocks off by pretending he's a sailor. He's dressed up in a little costume and jerking off as he types this sh*t.

Me : Thank god someone knows about this stuff.....Farmerman, I am taking water by the stern.

Walter Hinteler : No you are not! I am ze hetero und alvays haff been.

Farmerman : Well, I will walk you through it if you like?

Me: MARVELLOUS! Carry on, old boy.

Kickycan : Oh god, he's a frikkin' Brit, let him sink.

Farmerman : You need to locate your rear bung hole. Can you do that?

Sturgis : If you can't find it, I'll help, if you like.

Me: I have done that with expert precision since the age of three. Yes....I've found it. Water is coming in, fast.

Farmerman : Now...there should be a spare bung, located just behind the stern gibbet, marked "Avast there. This be useful in case of ye emergency, ah-harrrr!"

Me: Yes, I can see it.

Farmerman : Now firmly insert it in your hole.

Me : It won't fit. Hang on, I'll bend over a bit more.

Farmerman : THE HOLE IN THE FRIGGIN' BOAT!!

Me : Oh.....right. Hang on....yes, it fits, but water is still coming hard.

Walter Hinteler : Nein, I haven't done zis since my honeymoon.

Farmerman : There should be a wogglehook next to the bunghole. Hit it with that!

Me : Hang on......<bang bang BANG> .....YES! THAT'S DONE IT....MARVELLOUS!

SlappyDooHoo : He's still a jerkoff troll, I reckon.

Kickycan : Probably a MoFo who can't raise it in normal life.

gustavratzenhoffer : Farmerman is my hero.

Me : Thank's awfully. I think I can make it back to port now.

Farmerman : Think nothing of it. There's squid in them thar fields that need exploitin' with a ganny rod, so I must take my leave.

Me : I'm beginning to like A2K, I might stick around.



Well....this was my introduction to A2K, and although you are all a total bunch of weirdos, I have managed to stay long enough to make ...............





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I love you all.............<welling up>.... each and every one of you.......<sob>