Tue 28 Feb, 2006 07:20 pm
Know Your Enemy
Man I'm sick of hearing it
Keep your angry ****
Sip on it
You see I see you
See your lies
You don't surprise me
You spit and chew
Take the marrow
I don't need your words
Your thoughts are sallow
The first slips wraith-like
Out of the mist
A fake behind a mask
Of dark deception
A familiar smile
Tearing a strip of flesh
From the underbelly
Of a passing swordfish
The second blows bubbles
Of obnoxious gas
From his volcanic stomach
Feeding on the dreams of others
The third is a coward
A hungry gull
Strutting on the sidelines
Back stabbing beak
Attacks then runs away
Swims in the wake
Claiming a brain
That is dust and ashes
A mermaid insane
And living on the corruption
Of the three
Sicking up poison
And urinating lies
Turning oceans red
With the blood of their dead
They feed on other's brains
Hunting for weak game
You know, someone really aught ta
Blow them out the water
Smile you son of a bitch
Re: Know Your Enemy
Your thoughts are sallow
You meant, shallow, right?
I really liked the Jaws poem, it had a neat flow to it, and I liked how you discribed it in First, Second, Third, Last.
Endymion, keep it up, I'm reading.
I watched a French film recently, called Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas). A dignified film about the Christmas-eve truce between Scottish, French and German troops during world-war-I. The film is dedicated to all those that 'fraternized' with the enemy that night.
After watching it I realised something about myself that made me want to continue writing. It has something to do with my pride.
That you can be humane and still be a man.
I was raging angry when I wrote Know Your Enemy and Jaws and I think it scared the **** out of me - feeling so close to losing it. Things just got too intense and I needed to stand back for a bit. In a way, I've been shocked by my own depth of feeling.
I want to apologise for freaking out and saying too much.
As for the poetry -I haven't been writing this stuff long -I posted my first poem in July 2005 and I haven't forgotten the reply I got from Flushed, or the encouragement from Letty. Since then I've writen loads, everyday - but since I 'left' a2k I've written nothing.
I don't know, maybe it was meant to end.
But while I'm here, - Drowned, - I did mean 'sallow' - as in yellowish, jaundiced adj.) affect (a person) with envy, resentment, or jealousy.
Thanks for your comments here and on the Death thread, I've been enjoying your writing for a few days now. Glad to see someone who's into it early.
Edgar - You have my respect and gratitude
And everyone else who posted - many thanks, you made things easier for me (and a few other people) my end, no doubt about it.
Husker - Cyber was right - it had nothing to do with you, sir. Nothing at all.
Shewolf got some of it, bright that she is.
Thanks Amigo for this quote - which has really made me think:
"Peace comes from being able to contribute the best that we have, and all that we are, toward creating a world that supports everyone. But it is also securing the space for others to contribute the best that they have and all that they are."
Maybe, as Aidan once suggested, I might find some peace in 'giving'. So I'm gona try and do that a bit here - just give a bit of my time reading other people's stuff.
Hope that's cool with everyone -
because I don't think I can leave
****, what a mess
Welcome back Endy :-D
I secretly knew you couldn't stay away ;-)
You've made my evening, Endy. Welcome back!
Perhaps I will begin writing here again. That is how I first came to A2K: looking for a good writing forum. I have written little here.
I can understand that feeling of being shocked by the depth of your own feeling. Writing is an amazing thing! We get to see ourselves, and sometimes it surprises the **** out of us.
I miss that. It takes courage to open it all up in the midst of a powerful surge. I admire your contribution. Reminds me of how important it is to share who we are and to keep a safe place for creation.
I admire what you are doing by posting your poetry. And I enjoy it immensely.
Good to see you, ENDYMION.
Thanks for leaving messages Montana flushd and Roger
I went over a bit of a hump there - but a lot has changed since I've been away. Sorry not to get back here sooner.
flushd - i hope you write lots here - I intend to do some serious reading on this forum...
Know Your Enemy
I've been caught up in all sorts of interesting happenings the last few days.
I found myself in Trafalgar Square on Saturday, listening to the British SAS soldier, Ben Griffin send a personal message to Tony Blair. I estimate that there were upwards from 50, 000 people there to hear him. (I heard the Stop The War Coalition made it nearly 100, 000 and the BBC said 15,000 - so I'm probably about right.)
Griffin ( a respected and experienced soldier) was in Iraq when he went to his commanding officer and said he was not prepared to continue. This is the first time ever that an SAS soldier has refused to go into combat on moral grounds.
As importantly, his regiment has stood by him and given him an honourable discharge.
I honestly believe that when we look back at all this madness, Ben's speech on Saturday will be seen as one of the turning points of this war as far as Britain's involvement in it goes.
Just a personal prediction
Coming home on the train, I saw the greatest sunset I have ever seen in my life. I may write about it sometime - probably some poetry. At the moment, I'm having another stab at a SF short story. It can't possibly be worse than the last one!
Endy- I'm really hesitant to write this because I don't want to intrude on you in any way. If you do find it an intrusion, please just ignore it. But I just read (this morning) this thread and a lightbulb went off. I tried to pm you, but apparently my pm privileges have been revoked. When or how, I'm not aware. I haven't used them in a while.
I just want to say that if I wrote or said anything that hurt you, it was completely unintentional. The reason I'm saying this is because I put some dates of posts together and think my story (The Plan) which I posted right before you left may have given you the idea that I was referring to you in some way (in the character of the boy who carries the camera- I read your subsequent posts and saw the one in which you said something about "carrying a camera with you everyplace you go").
I wasn't writing that about you or anyone else on this forum. I really do belong to a writing group. I really was doing that as an assignment. The funny thing is - there really was a person like the person I'm describing in the story. He's dead now - and that's why I can write about him (in a disguised and fictionalized kind of way).
That story is a compilation of two actual events (though I've fictionalized the setting and characters) that happened, which I thought would make kind of an interesting psychological drama and help me produce something totally different that anything else I'd ever written.
When I was in sixth grade, a classmate of mine was found hanging in a house that was under construction. It was never ascertained whether it was an accident or foul play. This has always been something that haunted me. The character of John (the narrator) is based on someone I knew as an adult who went on to do something horrible. He was interesting to me because he was so benign seeming and then he ended up doing this horrible thing. I tell you this because I do want to keep writing this story - but I also want to make it clear that you were the furthest thing from my mind when I was writing it. I didn't and don't think of you in relation to anything that I wrote about John at all. You are everything that is the opposite of him.
Endy, I don't know anything about you or who you are except that I have immense respect for who you are and how you present yourself on this forum. You are always kind to everyone and had been especially so to me. I was really sad when you stopped communicating with me, and even sadder when I read that you felt that you had to leave the forum. I thought that maybe you were angry at me over my blow up with another person on another thread which happened about the same time. And I can't make any excuses for myself about that. I can't apologize for being unable to read and watch racism and ridicule just happen and not respond. I do understand though that how I said what I said to her was belittling to her and I apologized to her for that.
I also understand that I don't know how to communicate effectively with people on this forum. That's why I've stayed off the discussion threads. I don't have the tact or diplomacy that you do, and I know that I'm seen as a divisive and negative influence a lot of times and by most of the people on this forum. I realize that and have removed myself from most of the interaction where that might tend to happen.
I came on this forum ready to make friends and wanting to be a positive influence. Almost from the very beginning, it became apparent that some folks thought I did not belong. This was hurtful to me, and I responded badly. I told a lie in an effort to hurt and belittle those who had hurt and belittled me. I regret doing that, but I also have taken responsibility for my behavior and apologized to those involved. Unfortunately, I have too much pride to apologize to those who were and continue to be deliberately cruel to me, and those who have judged me without ever speaking to me. Maybe it's a failing, and maybe I should just swallow it, but I just can't do it. Maybe someday I'll be zen enough to progress to that point. Just not yet.
But this is what I want to express to you. I hold you in high regard. Because I have a history of miscommunication and distrust in my dealings on this forum, when you started communicating with me, I read every post you had written. I needed to know who you really were. I was so impressed with what I found. I am so grateful to you for your encouragement and your kindness toward me. I would be devastated to know that I had hurt someone like you. So if I did, I want to apologize. But I also want you to know and believe that I am not someone who would do that intentionally or willingly to another person. If you read my posts, (especially in context, as I did yours) you will get the real picture of who I am. Everything I expressed directly to you is true about me.
I don't know what other people might think, because truthfully, I don't read past original writing very often just because I have often found it painful to see myself ( and others, as a matter of fact) derided in underhanded and backhanded ways by people who have never even spoken to me (or them) on this forum, but somehow think they know who I am (or who they are), and what our motivations are. It's all a big, confused mess in my brain, and I'm conflicted about it. I keep trying to fix it - because that's how I am. I have trouble letting anything that isn't settled and peaceful rest until it is. But despite my best efforts, I can't seem to find the magic recipe or correct answer. But I stay here, because I have something to contribute. And whatever anyone else may judge my motives to be, I know that they are positive. I really am a teacher. I really do work with kids and love them. I really do regard myself as a positive role model for them and want to use my skills to do that on a forum such as this.
I am sad that I have not made friends here. I wanted to. And when I joined last year, that was something I needed. I was living in another country away from most of my friends and family, and I was reaching out. Maybe I was too forceful and intrusive. I've never had that problem in real life, and I thought I could communicate here how I have for forty-four years in the real world: interested, friendly, curious, forthright, honest and openly expressive.. It's worked for me out in my life, but it didn't work for me on the internet. I guess there are rules of which I'm not aware. And at this point- that's okay. I've made a lot of friends and connections in my real life and feel good about my status in that regard.
But I, like you, have found this forum to work well for me in my writing. I don't have the courage or energy to try to find another one. So I stay here. Maybe that's selfish- except that I also feel that I can be a positive influence. And I try to be- in my writing. That's why I find it devastating when it seems to be interpreted as something divisive and negative because I'm really trying so hard to make it useful and positive.
Everything I've said to you here, (except the part about the story) I'd also like to say to Carlotta and Edgar, because I know they worked hard to make original writing a good place for writers and I feel the need to address what they may believe is my intention to be divisive on these threads. I am sad that people like you and Edgar and Carlotta have left the original writing forum and I need to know if I've contributed to that. If my presence is keeping you away - tell me that - please. I don't know that I will stop writing, but at least I'll be making a decision based on actual information instead of just misplaced emotion or misinformation. Right now I'm just confused, and I can't make any decision in that state of mind.
I would like to be your friend, but I don't need to be. But what I do need is peace of mind. That's why I'm writing this to you. If it was selfish of me, or somehow wrong internet etiquette- please forgive me. I truly don't seem to know or understand the rules. I don't understand why every word I write is taken to mean something other than what I mean it to. I don't know anyone on this forum well enough to use their personality or fictionalize them in a poem or story. Every poem or story I've written have been about people I've known or loved in my real life - not one has been about anyone on this forum.
But as we both know and have expressed - life is not fair- maybe this all serves as nothing more than to remind me of that. My life has been blessed in so many ways - maybe I need to be reminded that I (like so many other people in the world) won't be treated fairly all the time. And though I can't be responsible for how others treat me, I can be responsible for how I respond. I have to admit that I haven't always been mature in my responses on this forum. I'm ashamed of that fact and I regret it.
There's so much pain in the world. I don't want to add to it in any way.
Please believe me when I say that- because there is nothing truer I can say- except that I respect you, I miss your input on the forum and I think it's a real loss. I would do almost anything to make it right - except stop writing. I, like you, can't seem to do that.
Please just let me know you read this. That's all I ask. If you care to respond - I'd appreciate it. But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or obligated in any way. But, as I said before to you and truly believe. You are a wise and kind soul. Any words of advice from you would be respected and appreciated by me. I am too proud sometimes, but usually not too proud to ask for help when I know I need it. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in your life Endy. You, more than anyone I've read on this forum, are so deserving of that - Rebecca (Aidan)
I feel I owe a bit of an explanation, concerning my absense from the original writing forum. From the first, long before you became a member, I was not satisfied with the way the forum has been received. After a time, I became a member of The Writers Association to get my feedback and help. This writer's group was on MSN at the time, though they have now changed their location. We gave each other editing help and the best stories were published in anthologies.
I only contributed to the writing forum on A2K marginally by the time you arrived on the scene. Mostly, when I have an urge to write poetry, I go back to Spontaneous Poems. My stories are now appearing in books, so I don't duplicate them on a forum site anymore.
I think that you and Carlotta are an inspiration and I would be very sad if either of you quit posting here.
Thanks for your encouragement Edgar.
Thanks for writing Aidan
I respect your honesty.
And believe that your photography and writing is very worthwhile indeed.
You asked me if there was anything you'd said to upset me. The answer to that is No.
My reasons for 'loosing it' had nothing to do with anything you said or did, nor anyone else who has corresponded with me here on the creative writing forum.
Those that motivated me to write the Jaws poem were from somewhere else on A2K. (And I'm sure even they had no idea what they were doing to me).
The only thing that had bothered me prior to all that, and perhaps made me distance myself from you, was your pain that night you told me about your brother and the effect his death still had on you. I was deeply shocked.
Because, as I'm sure you now know if you've read my stuff, I've been fighting against feelings of suicide myself for some time.
My doctors know how I feel and most of them agree that I have the right to choose. I don't want to make it into a big deal, - but you were the only one here really talking to me, and when you told me about your brother - well, I realized I'd been getting close to confiding in you and suddenly saw how selfish that would be.
Then the stuff on the other forum just tipped me over.
You've been honest, so I'll be too, and tell you that I was having problems with my poetry anyway.
Some of what I was writing was starting to scare me.
So many negative feelings - Anger, grief, guilt, and disillusionment.
Someone even posted up - saying I shouldn't be so depressing.
I recently told a shrink who asked me if I was feeling depressed, "I've lost my faith in humanity - is that depressing enough for you?"
I suppose my poetry was also beginning to embarrass me. I was starting to feel uncomfortable - especially with the Death Diary, which I believed contains my most important stuff.
I was aware that everyone has their own problems. Mine aren't unique, or worse than anyone else's and I hated feeling needy for feedback, - but getting little response, I started to wonder if I was humiliating myself.
That my poems were being read as self-pity.
So you see, it was nothing to do with any of your posts, Aidan. I promise you.
I don't think I was even aware of the posts you mention.
I was in a mess for quite a while. (You can probably tell, by the **** that I posted up at that time).
Everything just got too much. (The forum being the least of it).
But I'm all right now - I went a bit crazy for a while, but I'm okay.
I hope that puts your mind at rest.
And keep your chin up, Aidan.