"Somethings afoot! ....... I have just sneaked in to my study in order to communicate with you on my voice activated doodah, as things seem to have happened while I was away.
You see....as I turned into the main entrance, the better half let out a quiet yelp, and she hasn't done that since our honeymoon, so it gave me a bit of a shock I can tell you.
You see, one thing appears to be missing from the gate house. The roofing tiles have all gone!....oh, AND the windows, so I suppose it's two things....if you don't count the doors, which are also missing. Part of it's north extension has also been mislaid, the furniture has been removed and the clock tower is minus it's clock, so I suppose it is now just a tower.....and even THAT looks a bit worse for wear.
WHAT IS LEFT OF THE GATEHOUSE!
So I stopped the old jalopy and toodled over to see what the bloody hell had happened....and found a dishevelled looking man dry vomiting in the corner. I tapped him firmly in the goolies with my right shoe, and after he had stopped crying, I asked him who the bloody hell he was.
Couldn't understand a bloody word he was saying, so I can only assume he's a yank.
He kept pointing to his chest and shouting "amigo, amigo".....so I told him he couldn't, as I wanted him to stay exactly where he was until the constabulary had arrived. He went back to his corner again, and continued where he left off. Sounded worse than my cat when it's furball time.
I looked around for my little nest of vipers, but she had disappeared in the direction of the smashed greenhouse. I do hope her prize cucumber hasn't been vandalised.
I then made a beeline for the side entrance to the manor, used my key to gain access via the detention room, and quietly made my way here.
En route, I noticed various signs that a party has taken place.....small stains on the persian rug.... large stains on the panelled wall in the main hall ..... and a scanty pair of black panties hanging over the left shoulder of one of the suits of armour. Made in Slovakia, and almost brand new .... I popped them into my pocket in order to study them for clues at a later time.
I sat down at my desk and switched on the computer thingy, waited for it to do all the kicking up malarky and noticed that my private files had been deleted! Three whole years of trawling the internet for specialist cuisine gadgetry suppliers down the plughole! OUTRAGEOUS!
Then, before I could do anything else, a message suddenly appeared, which said....
"Warning! Your computer has been attacked by an Irish virus, which may cause everything to shut down.....PS. If it doesn't do any damage, please assist the virus by manually removing the hard drive and smashing it with a hammer, begorrah! signed... an anonymous Emu" .....
There is no sign of Penbury, the drinks cabinet appears to have been raided and I now realise that I am sitting on something really sticky. I shall now place an emergency call to the Droitwich constabulary and get this whole thing investigated.
I shall then go upstairs to find out what Lady E is screaming about..."
