A Measurement of Me

A Measurement of Me
By: Angela Petersen

My eyes are closed, yet I can still far too easily see the undisciplined wavering of the tiny light. For a brief moment, I glance at it through slitted eyes, fighting down annoyance. At times, its glow is so bright and inviting, and then just as I decide I love it, it flickers and dims so low I can barely see it, and it leaves me with a sense of bitter mistrust.

There is a steady draining of water; the only thing that I can truly count on in here. A slow loss, barely noticeable until you measure it from where it began.

The once intoxicating smell that made me want to breathe deeper than humanly possible has now left me feeling nauseas. The steaminess that was once so enticing is now smothering me; I ache for air of freshness, my skin needs the touch of coolness.

In the unstable luminosity, I can see the thin layer of mildew glaring back at me. I thought I scrubbed you clean, yet you persist with a diligence far greater than anything I've ever been capable of.

I reach for the curtain, suddenly frantic to escape this dark dungeon and the growing dread that comes with it. A narrow shaft of light reaches towards me from beneath the sealed doorway, and a tiny whimper from somewhere beyond promises me there's still purpose.

I stand alone for the time being, my hand on the doorknob. I am exposed and defenseless. I wonder which place is more difficult to endure.

I recall the time when this solitude had been all that I longed for. Now that I am in this place, I find its gaping emptiness depressing.

Its betrayal stings me to my innermost core.

Without a further thought, I turn the knob and step back into the world I had so frantically run from.

The smell of burp up fills me with a strange and unexpected sense of restored vitality. The thin layer of stickiness from a spilled cup of juice gives me an unexplainable feeling of impeccable spotlessness.

How does one measure what they have become?

That steady whimper from the bedroom upstairs brings about a miraculous realization: She is my One Reliable Beauty. She is the measurement of how far I have come.