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Works in Progress.. just want some criticism please!

 
 
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2006 11:43 am
This one is unfinished... but I want to make sure I am going in the right direction...

Days pass by as I quickly go insane.
With eyes wide open, lying in my bed.
All the while feeling numb to the pain.
This lack of motivation seeps through my head.

My legs feel heavy, my body lifeless.
Attempts of movement cease to exist.
These thoughts in my head seem so pointless.
There are too many problems to begin to list.

Minutes pass by, as my heart seems to slow.
While darkness settles over my fragile mind.





~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*
This one is just me rambling... not really my type of writing or anything... just thoughts that I may eventually turn into a poem

I love the way you look at me
The look in your eyes so sweet and calm
Yet so persuasive and daring
The comfort of your glances
The power that pulls me in
I am beside myself
In awe of you
Never realizing that you could see so much in one set of eyes
There is no comprehension of this situation
Something seeming so impossible yet so true
So surreal, yet right there where you can touch it




Mesmerized by your lips, your face, your touch
Every moment with our is never long enough
Yet each fraction of time with you seems like an eternity
A contradicting statement as true as can be
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Crazielady420
 
  1  
Reply Thu 26 Jan, 2006 03:51 pm
No words of criticism!! I am shocked... is it that bad??? You could at least tell me!!
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Endymion
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Feb, 2006 06:36 pm
Hi

Who am I to critisize?

Some of it worked for me. Some of it felt like it needed
some sort of regular rhythm (beat) injected into it. Just a thought.

I think lines like this:

"Something seeming so impossible yet so true
So surreal, yet right there where you can touch it"

are exciting and motivating.

I've found that like anything else, its worth experimenting with your writing. Nothing ever feels finished because its always evolving. Just keep posting up here. Sooner or later you'll find that your best critic is yourself.

Good luck,
Endy
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Chumly
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Feb, 2006 06:50 pm
Crazielady420 wrote:
No words of criticism!! I am shocked... is it that bad??? You could at least tell me!!
The first one should not rhyme and the second one should Question
0 Replies
 
 

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