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Which of these three poems should I use?

 
 
alli0
 
Reply Sun 25 Dec, 2005 01:27 pm
I'm entering a high school poetry competition for a possible scholarship. Which one of these should I use? Also, any suggestions for improvement would be helpful.


Day Must Become Night; This is a Beautiful Way

I remember
Jokes in PG 13 movies like Massachusetts backroads without a map.
The rainbow bridge connecting candyland squares.
Apple cider with cinnamon sticks.

Running around the old white laminate waiting for macaroni water to boil
reenacting the animorph books every Friday night, games of man hunt,
the unique wood stove smell of Troy and Jillian, lying next to me.
We see 25 shooting stars.
The knobby apple trees with rotten fruits foresting the ground below
where I charge
?-singing.

I remember
Her piano fingers working like gymnasts tearing and flipping across long ivory balance beams
Greeting friends with a kiss and a hug (now a nod and a wave)
My shoes worn through to the soles, from playing football on a tennis court
A truncated song cut short by our feet dancing near a skipping CD player

And I can see little me
At night watching coat shadows form burglars and serial killers
And my Spiderman doll ripped by a brother and a best friend
white cotton fuzz exploding. Insides out.

or

Summer Slaves

Winters frost means moss
loss. wind wanders haystacks,
tracks, surrounded by grass
masses frozen in clumps.
bumps are little worm graves.
slaves of summer , ants
prance no longer in
linear lines loving
sunning in sandy
dandy beach stacks.
lacks nesting space.
race with winter. Life's
strife sends away the geese.
niece nears the silhouette
met with cold feet
street corner engulfed in
thin dirty snow. moss
loss. was effervescent,
florescent, and alive drips
rips and dies

or

Carbon

Bombs. Little black specks.
Ravaging charred cities,
Fighting over enormous Grey areas,
Both causes are worth fighting for,
Even Hitler was saving the world,
Through his poorly prescribed glasses

And as expected a man and a boy
Drown together in a cloud of mustard gas
And its?-
What the hell was I fighting for?

Follow me through a history of injustice

He was flawed, he was gay,
And he watched his young boyfriends
fair hair turn red, caked with blood

He was black
and he watched drunk creoles
Pour yellow stained urine on his
Fathers chocolate face.

Beyond the doctor with his scalpel and his clips,
Beyond the solider strapped and loaded up with guns,
Beyond the chemist with his red swirling flask
And nuclear capabilities,

There lies one truth,
One black and white,
A basic ideal intoned throughout history,
That a man must hold his
Neighbors hand as if it were his own.

But the beast rises within the men.
Who are all two parts oxygen, to every one part carbon
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 584 • Replies: 6
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carlotta
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Dec, 2005 02:11 pm
alliO -

i cannot choose between the poems.
i think they are all very sophisticated for a high school student and I am impressed.
hope you keep writing.

carlotta
0 Replies
 
Cola
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Dec, 2005 10:14 pm
alli0- I was most impressed with "Carbon". I agree with Carlotta, very sophisticated.

IMO
Quote:
Through his poorly prescribed glasses
detracts from the power of the first stanza and doesn't fit.

Quote:
yellow stained urine
somewhat redundant and expected. It's a provocative poem; perhaps you can find an adjective with more power, more telling than yellow.

Quote:
There lies one truth,
One black and white,
A basic ideal intoned throughout



This is the only part where I am lost. The "one" truth ...one black one white? I hope to understand with a re-reading.

Alli0 I really hope you receive the scholarship. I love this poem. You did a fine job. Your last line is a knock out, and the scenarios in the poem work well. Thank you for sharing, and I hope something I said is of use.
Best of luck.
0 Replies
 
CrazyDiamond
 
  1  
Reply Sun 25 Dec, 2005 10:17 pm
AlliO,
I chose Summer Slaves. I was intrigued by the rhyme scheme. And, the imagery was good. I think it could use a little more fluidity, though; it's a little choppy at times. Otherwise, great poem.

Carlotta,
You know, I'm still in highschool too. Cool
0 Replies
 
carlotta
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Dec, 2005 01:49 pm
a note to CrazyDiamond,

Well, I am surprised! I HAVE kids in high school and they can't write as well as you. And, I must say, your style keeps improving. Good work, Crazy. I hope I'm still reading you 20 years from now.

carlotta
0 Replies
 
carlotta
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Dec, 2005 01:53 pm
Correction: Actually my gorgeous daughter just went to college. Gack!
0 Replies
 
CrazyDiamond
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 Dec, 2005 04:03 pm
Thanks so much Carlotta Very Happy I wish only the best for you and your kids!
0 Replies
 
 

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