Vomiting Jesus: Discuss

Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 04:36 pm
I came across this quote from the movie "Hannah and Her Sisters":

If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

I think this is probably more true now than when it was written in 1986.

I don't have much of a background in religion so I'm tossing this out there for all variety of replies, whether you think Jesus is the son of God or whether you think he is a fictional character:

How would Jesus want us to live our lives?

What does he expect from us?

Is it enough to just believe without doing anything to express that belief in every day action?

And I'm not talking about "Oh, gee as long as I don't kill anyone or covet my neighbor's wife I'm a-okay with Jesus".

I'm talking the whole dirty business of washing feet and hugging lepers.

I'm talking about the kind of service that might act as a little Alka-Seltzer for Jesus.

Fill me in!
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 05:56 pm

So what the heck is everyone always arguing about?

Is it all just about an afterlife in Heaven or Hell?

Is just believing enough to get you into Heaven?

You don't have to do anything else?


I just don't get it.

But I swear I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 06:07 pm
If Jesus did not vomit the first time around I doubt he would vomit the second.

But if he really does not stop vomiting, I move that we make him an honorary member of TCOICBINB. Action speaks louder than words.

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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 06:22 pm
Well that is just absurd. I doubt Jesus would start puking his guts out just because everything wasn't going perfectly. Keep in mind they first time that Jesus got here things were chaotic and rather a mess.

What does Jesus expect from us? The same as God. That we try to live our lives with the purest and most decent of intentions. That we do not go around intentionally hurting others...people or animals. Sure the idea of washing anothers feet or hugging a leper is great...if we do it with an open heart. To do it as a ticket to Heaven is not the way to go. Several years back I was doing some volunteer work and it passed through my head one day that I was 'Earning my place in Heaven." In that split second I had to take a step back and re-evaluate. I had stopped doing for others and made it all about me. God ain't into selfish.

There are a lot of other things which go into the mix and a great deal of it is stuff which you will have to discover for yourself. Sure, winning the lottery may feel nice; but it's not going to get you to Heaven if you go out in the world and slug people. A nice new wardrobe is all fine and dandy but to put it on just to make an impression at Sunday services takes away it's value and that of the wearer if their purpose of attending services is just to show off their new clothes. To go to church in tattered rags but with the spirit of The Lord within will get a person into a better place and relationship with God.
The basics...live life as well intentioned as possible and when erring, make the best effort to atone for the error.

Keep in mind these are my thoughts and mine alone they may or may not set into your beliefs.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 07:30 pm
You both make an excellent point about things not being too rosy the first time around.

And Jesus would most certainly be welcome at TCOICBINB. I believe he understood moderation more than most of us.

Thank you, Sturgis for your honest reply.

I completely agree with what you say about doing things with an open heart and not as an attempt to buy your way into Heaven. Personally, I'm more of a karma-lite kind of girl but I too have had similar thoughts to your "earning your place".

And you do have to step back.

I'm not praying to win the lottery (or even the prayer of Jabez), I'm not out clobbering people and if you saw my wardrobe you'd have a good laugh.

I'm not exactly frivilous.

And in truth I have done some things that go way beyond "christian".

But I have some born again relatives that insist I'm going to (capital H) Hell even though they ascribe to an "I got mine" mentality and I'm more willing to share.

And this judgemental aspect of many modern day Christians is, I think, enough to make Jesus barf.

And I don't think God choses "sides".
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:02 pm
Appropos of nothing (and certainly NOT directed at Sturgis, whose response I appreciate), I was cooking dinner when an old Zappa song popped into my head (seems to be a quote day for me) and I thought I would post it for your reading pleasure:

Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk:

There's an ugly little wasel 'bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin' 'n lyin'
'Cause her sweet little hubby's
Suckin' prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you're a jerk

Did he really choose Tammy to do His Work?
Robertson says that he's The One
Oh sure he is,
if Armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An' he's got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain't true)

Now, what if Jimbo's slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we've heard him say
Indicated that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin' in,
'Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can't get enough of it

Perhaps it's their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a 'special break';
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)

Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too --
Just like they'd love to do to you

('Cause they think you are bad --
And they are very mad)

'Cause some folks don't want prayer in school!

(We'd need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And 'Jimbo-Jimbo' when they graduate)

Conviced they are 'The Chosen Ones' --
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(With their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)

With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain't Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin':
"No abortion, no-siree!"
"Life's too precious, can't you see!"
(What's that hangin' from the neighbor's tree?
Why, it looks like 'colored folks' to me --
Would THEY do THAT...seriously?)

Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire Television Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator

Studied Law --
But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a "love child"
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa's religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a "Faith Healer",
But has, in the past,
Dealt stearnly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for a 'secret war' in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends

Involved in suspicous 'tax-avoidance schemes',
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)

Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currenty seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into --
The Twilight Zone

What if Pat gets in the White House,
And suddenly --
The rights of 'certain people' disappear

Now, wouldn't that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if he covers it up, sayin'
"Jesus told it to me!")

I hope we never see that day,
In The Land of The Free --
Or someday will we?
Will we?

And if you don't know by now,
The truth of what I'm tellin' you,
Then, surely I have failed somehow --

And Jesus will think I'm a jerk, just like you --
If you let those TV Preachers
Make a monkey out of you!

I said:
"Jesus will think you're a jerk"
And it will be true!

There's an old rugged cross
In the land of cutton --
It's still burnin' on somebody's lawn
And it still smells rotten

Jim and Tammy!
Oh, baby!
You gotta go!
You really got to go!
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:10 pm
I always wondered where Jesus got his sandals. Have you ever seen them? They appear to be of a very high quality and not the type one would expect to buy in that area of the world.

They appear to be sandals crafted by native american indians, possibly the Sioux.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:16 pm
The Sioux made nice sandals, for sure.

If you're wanting a nice moccasin though, look to the Choctaw.

I remember being in Salt Lake on a business trip and flipping over the Norwegian Jesus painting in the Tabernacle.

But I got to hear the choir and forgot all about Norway because I was awed. Such beauty. Everyone should get to go to chior practice there at least once in their life no matter what they think about Mormons.

Truly, it's trancendant.

But sorry, I've neglected answering your question.

I have not seen Jesus' sandals -- only illustrations.

Are the originals at the Smithsonian or what?
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:22 pm
The originals hang are at a roadside stand in Arkansas. I saw them there several months ago, alongside some Jesus figurines made out of twisted chain. The old toothless bastard that was running the stand swore on a stack of bibles that they were the original sandals of Jesus and that he would let me have them for 37.50. I offered 30.00 and he swore at me and pulled the lid down on his stand.

I could hear him swearing inside. Something about cheap focking tourists.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:24 pm
I would have definately fronted you the extra $7.50, gus.

We could have made a fortune if only we could have made those sandals cry on feast day.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:25 pm
it's odd, with all the walking he did you would have expected him to wear a good pair of hiking boots, or at least some birkenstocks, if only for the arch support
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:26 pm
Life is filled with lost opportunities.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:28 pm
The sandals are clearly Birkenstocks.
If Jesus were German he'd wear socks with it though.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:28 pm
Remember the time Jesus made a whole shitload of bread out of one loaf? Wasn't that what happened? He had a loaf of bread and waved his hand and all of a sudden there were thousands of loaves and everyone was eating.

How the hell did he do that?
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:29 pm
Who cares! I'd like to know how he converted water into wine.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:30 pm
there were fishes too, and he was pretty handy with the water into wine bit too

i'll bet jesus threw one hell of a superbowl party
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:31 pm
I wonder if Jesus could turn a rock into a really hot woman? That would be a very handy trick.

I've got a big rockpile down by the ravine.
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:34 pm
i'm sure with enough of that water-wine you'd be hard pressed to tell the difference
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:37 pm
Are you suggesting I hump a rock?
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Reply Fri 18 Nov, 2005 09:42 pm
full to bursting with loaves and fishes, and high on water/wine, anything can happen, you have to be careful
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