God Is.....

Re: God Is.....


How many Gods are there? One main God for each Universe (possibly for each planet)

Which God is the best God? The one you have.

Who chose Him as the best God? The Israelites and the Canaanites among others...it all happened back in the days of Noah. When Noah and his family was spared at the time of the great flood they realized this was the best God of all.

What happened to the runner up Gods? They work in limited capacity in various sections of Heaven.

How much does God get paid? God does it all for love.

Who signs His checks? As I said God does it all for love. God loves all of us that much No need for money.

Does God have a retirement plan? God doesn't plan to retire.

Will God move to Florida when He retires? As I said God has no plans to retire and even if God does retire there will undoubtedly be places across the planet to live.

Will God wear tacky shorts and black socks when He retires? No. The robes have suited GOd well thus far, so why change?

Which God can get you into heaven? The one you truly believe in with all your heart and soul.

Can a lesser God get you a voucher for heaven? I am not sure about that but the subsidiary Gods (those who have been here on Earth before and have now moved on) can state our case on our individual judgement days.

Are there lesser heavens? According to The Bible there are many tables and houses in The Kindom of The Lord.

Is Jerry Fallwell a flaming jackass? He has beliefs, you do not have to agree with them. At one time I found his Old Time Gospel Hour programs on television to be quite comforting. To me that means he has done something good (although he is a bit of a twirling twit at times)

Okay, scratch that last one. Of course Jerry Falwell is a flaming jackass.

Does heaven have vending machines? Yes. You can put in good deed chips and get anything you want (these are beyond the basic needs you may have).

Does heaven have cable or dish? It's Heaven they have both.

Can one masturbate in heaven? Yes. And so can two and three and actually everyone. Rumor has it the orgasms or absolutely paradisal.

Do your pets make it to heaven? Of course.

Do your ex-spouses make it to heaven? Yup.

Does God make appearances in heaven? Yes he plays the harp on Thursdays at Job's Bar and Grill.

Will their be live entertaiment in heaven? Well, duh...How can there be if we're all DEAD?

Can one consume alcohol in heaven? Yes but it is called Intoxicating Ecstasy there.

Can one consume perscription pain killers in heaven? No need since there is no pain.

Is there pornography in heaven? Yes.

Are there telemarketers in heaven? Sad to tell you this but yes.

Are there elections in heaven? How do you think George W. Bush got elected?

And lastly, are all the women in heaven smokin' hot? Nope. They all look like Janet Reno (who incidentally is one of God's love children...we are all created in God's image, but that's not so bad since the men are all as handsome and sexy as I want them to be. Don't fret over it Bob, you'll find a Janet of your very own and she will appear to be whoever it is you have the hots for .

Wow...you had me going right up to Janet Reno. Man, do you know how many pints of cheap bourbon are gonna be needed to get that out of head?

I always used the cheap gin.

I have a question for you. What if God is not amused at this thread?

There being no gods, it would be difficult to get a reading.

What if I'm not amused at God? What's He gonna do? Smite me?

Hmmm...I see your point...

Edgar, of course there is a God. How else do you explain the f*cking Jets this season?

I'm pretty sure God's down with this thread. He'd better be. I bought season tickets for the freaking 49ers. If that's not a show of faith, then He'd better give me a refund.

Bob.
From what I can understand.... one has to first get a religion before he can have a "legal?" God.. sometimes pronounced "Gawed" can also be confused with a "God" called Jesus or even Jesus Christ ( can sometimes be a exclamation... same as "Gawed" ) so I would assume, we have to have a religion before we "find" God... so it would say that religion came first and God-God's came second.... "My Gawed" I'm now soooo confused with my intelligent design that I need a clarifier who clarifies unqualified clarifiers.... "Jesus Christ" what am I talking about

There are all the gods you have mentioned. There is also the one you have forgotten.

Do tell....

Search the threads.

Sorry. Too lazy, too drunk, too stoned, too indifferent.

Sorry. That's all you get.

'K...back to your your "Wrath of Khan" DVD.

Then I'm in BIG trouble. Up a creek without a paddle. Looking at hard time on Satan's Chain Gang.