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Wed 5 Oct, 2005 10:22 am
When is it actually in good manners to be late? Which situations are o-k to be late and how late?
I had a recent birthday party for my daughter (3 years old). The only people who arrived on time was the grandparents - no one with children arrived on time. There was one family who arrived only 15 minutes late. The next 30 minutes late, the next 40 minutes late (and this is my brother and his family) and believe it or not we had the last at over an hour late. With not one phone call! Or one apology.
At first I wasn't concerned - I mean I am pretty laid back about these things until my mom pointed out how cruel it is to be late for a little kid. They really look forward to this. The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me - especially since I have gone to all their kids' parties and arrived on time!
Now my other daughter is going to have a party (and this time we will probably have it out somewhere). Would it be rude for me to state on the card that it is important to be on time. I was thinking along the lines - Activities start promptly at 1:00 PM, please arrive on time to participate fully. Maybe I should state the time a half hour earlier?
It is quite rude to be honest not to show up at time and to wander in at whatever time they feel like it.
Parties and get-togethers that are set to start at a specific time really do mean that guests are expected to be there at the time stated. They can always leave early if they don't want to hang around for hours. However, if someone cannot be there at the start time they should call and advise what time they will be arriving.
When I was a kid I remember once, at my birthday party, a friend arriving over an hour late. When she heard of all the things that she missed - water balloon fight, goodie pack, jelly and icecream, games, etc., she cried for the remainder of the time she was there. Her mother had to take her home because she was ruining the party. My mom just raised her eyebrows as the girls mother apologized profusely.
If I were you, I would tell them to arrive within 15 minutes of start time since the place where you are having it will not admit guests/latercomers after 1:15pm (regardless of whether that is true or not). If they cannot be bothered to make the effort to get there on time then at least they will telephone you to make sure they will still be let in to the party!
To top it off my sister-in-law (arrival 40 minutes late) complained to me about people arriving at her husband's 30th surprise party late. Also she said that both kids would be there. One is very close to my daughter's age - they see each other almost daily. The other older girl my daughter absolutely adores. So she was looking forward to seeing them the most.
Re: Fashionably Late
Linkat wrote:When is it actually in good manners to be late? Which situations are o-k to be late and how late?
In my opinion, it is
never proper to be late. And more than 10 minutes after the appointed time is late and certainly an apology is in order. This is a major pet peeve of mine, can you tell?
Do all of these people have cellphones? They should have phoned you to say that they were on their way and when you might expect them.
Oh, and I also think it's even more rude to be early to a party, unless you're a close friend or relative and are planning to pitch in and help the host/ess get ready.
It may be rude for you to demand punctuality of your guests for the upcoming party. But perhaps they deserve it! I like Heeven's idea about telling them they can't get in if they're more than 15 minutes late.
It drives me crazy when people can't be on time. I really can't stand it because it's rude. It's not just their time they are wasting, it's MINE.
I don't think any situation is ok to show up to late, unless there isn't a set time. "Show up any time after 8pm" or an open house.
Yes - they all have cell phones. I know because each of them (except my brother) I have called on their phones before. Funny thing is - my mom was much angrier than me. My husband saw her calling my brother on his cell phone after only 20 minutes late. I am sure she reamed him good.
Also, when my mom was complaining that no one was there on time besides them, I gave every one a little slack saying, "Oh they have kids, sometimes it hard to get them ready on time." Mom's response - "I had four kids and I always arrived on time." And she is right. We always did. And I think that is why I try so hard to get some where on time - my mom taught me. Now why haven't my brothers learned?
I'll never understand that behavior, though my mom and both brothers are chronically late. Dad was the punctual one in our family.
For a kids party, especially if they're little, I'd think every parent would want to get the kids there on time, since it probably won't last more than a few hours. Lots of stuff needs to be done in a limited time.
For an adult, I agree w/ mac, don't show up early, ever.
The host is still doing last minute things.
I wouldn't ever show up more than 15 minutes late for an adult party.
I would make every effort to arrive between 10 and 15 minutes of the stated party time.
I still cringe when I think of Montana's party. I hope she gets in on here.
As a compulsive early bird, I have little patience with people who saunter in at any old time.
Whether it is a matter of disappointing a little child, or being late for party, meeting, or other occasion for adults, I think that there is no excuse for not being punctual. The only exception would be possibly an open house where the time frame of the event is rather fluid.
In all cases, where the time of an event is specified, strolling in late, is, to me, the height of discourtesy.
Chai Tea wrote:I still cringe when I think of Montana's party. I hope she gets in on here.
what happened? tell .....
Ooh, I'd be pissed. Was she mad? What a waste of good food.
Hhhmmmm ...
So, last Sat, Es gave a birthday party, and the invitation email she sent around said the party'd be moving from her place to cafe Cs at 11 PM. I was having dinner with a few friends and we were all gonna head there too. Good thing we werent there at 11 tho, cause it turns out they only turned up there at 11:30 themselves. I'm not saying nothing about that, cause in the end we only came there at 1:30, just in time to meet the remaining party-people being thrown outta the place cos they were closing. Es herself wasnt there anymore cause shed had way too much to drink and had had to bugger off home early.
How's all that fit in then?
I think it is cultural, as in microcultural. I've a family who expects you to be there on Thanksgiving somewhere within two hours of stated time, later than the stated time - earlier and they'd still be in the shower or vacuuming the entry hall. So, they are welcome at my house at two, but the trailing group may show up at, say, ten of four. Traffic conditions (some drive a hundred miles in heavy traffic), family situations, picking up my aged aunt... well, it's a holiday not a business appointment. One time when the whole group actually arrived near the named time, we all went for a neighborhood walk.
Same with adult parties - I don't think I've ever been to one when people all showed up at, say, 7 p.m. on the dot, especially during the holidays when people may go to more than one event. But these are not formal dining situations...
When I have a few people over for a sitdown dinner, that's serious re the need to time the cooking... and people around me treat the timing more strictly.
Children's parties, sure, I see the need for sharp timing on that.
I have an old friend who has been late for decades. She has shown up at her job on time, both when she was a flight attendent and when she was a school teacher, but otherwise,
pfffft, she'd be there in a while. Another friend, my italian teacher, from italy, would always show up an exact ten minutes early, and always bearing many gifts, even when we were just going to go for a few mile walk. That was hard to get used to...
I'm all over the place on this one. Depends so much on the context.
If I'm meeting a deaf person, I always add 30 minutes to the stated time. IF they're culturally deaf, which adds a complication. The first time I meet with a deaf person I usually try to show up on time but bring a magazine or something with the expectation that he/ she will be late, then get a feel for that person's personal internal clock and go from there.
If it's a kid's birthday party, I would go to some effort to be on time and not early (the "not early" part depends on where it is -- at someone's house, definitely not early, but if it's at another venue, can be early).
If it's lunch or something with a non-deaf adult, up to 10 minutes late is no big deal.
If it's a faculty party, doesn't seem to get started until a good hour after the stated start date. We usually plan on arriving 20-40 minutes after the stated start date, and are on the early side (lots of people arrive after us).
If it's a looser social occasion like nimh mentions, pretty much anything goes.
I am SO gonna regret this, but...
I am the one who's always late. I think I decided to be this way because I was raised by a mother who always made us early for everything. I absolutely HATE waiting for something to begin. I'd rather walk in when it's in full swing.
I walk into movies 10 minutes late and avoid the trailers. I walk into church 5-10 minutes late and avoid talking to the ushers. I am routinely 15 minutes late for medical appointments...I have to wait there anyway, but it's just that much less waiting time. I'm always at least 15 minutes late for parties (and usually arrive with the crowd.)
Woe unto the unfortunate guest who shows up at one of MY parties on time! I put them to work!!!
It's bad enough that I have to be on time getting my son to his school and activities and making client meetings (usually but not always on time.) But I refuse to get in a hurry when I don't have to.
I try to be on time for everything, except certain adult-only social events that are held in the evening. If it's dinner I still arrive on time, if it's drinks and snacks I plan on 30 mins or so after the stated time.
Kids parties should absolutely start on time and I think people should make an effort to get there at the start, or call and explain why they're running late. Maybe you could add the word 'sharp' after the starting time on the invitations, or 'please be prompt.' It sounds a little pushy and unless it's the same group of people as your younger daughter, the readers might not understand your point. I think 'please be prompt' would be ok.
sozobe wrote:I'm all over the place on this one. Depends so much on the context.
If I'm meeting a deaf person, I always add 30 minutes to the stated time. IF they're culturally deaf, which adds a complication. The first time I meet with a deaf person I usually try to show up on time but bring a magazine or something with the expectation that he/ she will be late, then get a feel for that person's personal internal clock and go from there.
If it's a kid's birthday party, I would go to some effort to be on time and not early (the "not early" part depends on where it is -- at someone's house, definitely not early, but if it's at another venue, can be early).
If it's lunch or something with a non-deaf adult, up to 10 minutes late is no big deal.
If it's a faculty party, doesn't seem to get started until a good hour after the stated start date. We usually plan on arriving 20-40 minutes after the stated start date, and are on the early side (lots of people arrive after us).
If it's a looser social occasion like nimh mentions, pretty much anything goes.
Please educate me...Why would you add 30 minutes if it was a deaf person?
What does culturally deaf mean?
Actually Soz, I've thought of a few other questions pertaining to deafness, there's a lot of deaf people in Austin, and some of the things you've mentioned have been really interesting to me.
I didn't want to think I was being nosy, or pert, and it just never seemed like the right place or time.
Barring an extreme emergency, there is absolutely NO reason for being late and at least making a phone call to let your hosts know you are running late. The advent of cell phones makes calling a very easy and convenient thing to do.
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