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Thu 29 Sep, 2005 12:23 am
Who's head is sitting on my shoulders? Its not the one I remember from a few years back...it's sore, confused, and constantly dazed. There's always this ticking, even when trying to sleep, it starts ~ tick, tick, tick, tick. Is there no end? Doesn't it ever stop? Why can't I stop thinking? Thinking about the bad things, the past and all it's horrendous images, burning thoughts that have scarred my memory. They need to go, they need to find another place to call home. They don't belong in my head. I don't want to see a father emotionally and physically abusing his daughter anymore. I don't want to see a scared mother. The hands around the neck, the screaming, the shouting, the running, the terrified fleeing....it's been seven years, it should disappear now. The pain, the angst, the hurt, the mangled thing in front of us we call life.
Talking, does it help? How can reliving the same bad experience help you to come to terms with it and accept it? It doesn't change the fact that these awful things still happened to you, and it doesn't make it easier to deal with. You still wake up every so often in a cold sweat thinking 'WAS THIS REALLY MY LIFE?'. If only he could have treated us better, what would he be like if he didn't use all his energy trying to destroy us? I hope he would be the kind of father that lots of people take for granted, the kind that accepts you for who you are, loves you no matter what you do and knows you are the most important thing in their life and that will never change. Someone who loves you unconditionally, and not according to his terms. Someone that isn't paranoid, and doesn't blame you for all their mistakes...my ideal... the one thing that would have made me such a better person. Not this mess, whining, insecure, unstable and paranoid woman I call myself.
(c) BVE 17-02-05
I wonder why no one replied to this.
I'm sorry foxy.
Try not to let your past "beat" you. THink of it as a game... or obsitical... be determined to forget about or overcome your fears of the past. Make it a mental game. Think of yourself as "weak" if you can not do so. this is what I do, im sorry if i couldnt help.
Hey Foxy,
I disagree with zeroh. You can't make it a game, it's too real and too unfun. No, it's very real.
I'm sorry that you had this. There's no way to make it right, there's no way to give yourself the childhood you wished for.
You know that life isn't fair...sure, some people had it better...a lot had it worse, too. And a lot of those that had it better, made it worse for themselves.
He didn't give you much, but he did give you life...and that makes you free, free of him. Free to explore life and not make the same mistakes your parents made. So be strong. You've dealt with a lot that other people haven't. You say that has made you weak, I believe it has....but it can make you stronger too.
It's time to stop blaming them for your life, because you're in control of it now, and you can steer that boat in any direction you please.
Thanks.
It's not a matter of blaming him for what he did and has done, it is a fact that hhhhis actions affected the whole family and did alot of damage that not only for me, but for my family, will take years to fix. I have been 'in control' of my own life for many years now, this piece was written months and months ago when I suddenly had a brief period of nightmares.
stuh505 wrote:
He didn't give you much, but he did give you life...and that makes you free, free of him. Free to explore life and not make the same mistakes your parents made.
He actually gave me alot in life, not just materially, but he showed me alot of things that husbands and fathers should not be, I'm not saying there wasn't any good stuff, but the bad points far outweigh the good points.
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