Hurt by adult son

Forums: Son, Relationship, Parenting, Family, College
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My adult son has been drifting away since my divorce. We live in same town, but his dad and I divorced when when he was accepted to College, right in our home town. This May he graduated. There were 2 graduations, one is the main one, a famously grand celebration in an iconic university space, the other in the dept. I was planning to go to both, along with my new husband and my son's godmother. The latter is visually impaired. For months I kept asking son about our tickets which we needed for the main graduation and cannot procure on our own. He kept stonewalling. The day before graduation we hosted son on a very nice fancy dinner out and broached the topic of tickets again. Under much debate he sent us the tickets. Then next day we had made arrangements for us to meet him on the side of that iconic space after the grand procession. I got him flowers. His godmother was seated with the disabled and we sat nearby. I went uphill to take some good pics of him processing but to my surprise he never showed up. He bailed. When I texted him he said 'yeah I processed earlier'. Thought maybe I missed him and just looked fwd to end of the show to meet up with him. Waited and waited. Nothing. We picked up and left, flowers and on, to the dept graduation. There he was. We took some pics from a distance. He was so cold. He walked in front of us and refused to stay for lunch. His dad wasnt there at end but I am wondering if this whole mess was engineered by his dad putting up some veto power of nc with me. He probably met up with his dad before the dept ceremony which is why he couldnt be there at the main one. His dad and his feelings always take precedence it seems. I can understand the dilemma but why did he have to lie to me, drag us there incl his godmother then no show? This hurts so bad. Not that this can be reduced to money but dad and me split the cost of his education. I feel totally heartbroken by the fact that he missed out on the main celebration, a true rite of passage. It feels like a slap on the face. Reality check please? Am I selfish? Am I making it about myself?
Ps his dad also insisted that I wouldn't be there for son's college drop off day (we had a perfect divorce until I met my new (future) husband 3 months later and then everything changed between us).

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[+5] - jespah - 05/23/2026No more paying tuition. No more flowers. If he deigns to have dinner out with you, then you go Dutch. No more extras. If your son is going to act like an ungrateful preschooler, then he gets to...

@Soul26,

No more paying tuition. No more flowers. If he deigns to have dinner out with you, then you go Dutch. No more extras.

If your son is going to act like an ungrateful preschooler, then he gets to be treated like one, and lose out on privileges.

The thing that appalls me the most is the way his godmother was treated. Regardless of whatever beef your son and your ex have with you (presumably over you remarrying), the godmother is wholly innocent in all of it.

As for either of them being angry about you remarrying, that's completely fair in a divorce. Were they both expecting that you would pine away for the rest of your life, begging for the slightest scraps of affection from your ex? Are either or both of them followers of influencers like Andrew Tate, who is nothing more than a frustrated, nasty misogynist?

I hate to break it to them, but once a couple is divorced, they get to date, sleep with, and even marry and/or have children with other people. They're allowed to be happy. Yes, even the women.

Divorced = single. The relationship ended; your lives did not.

And even if your new husband is someone you cheated on your ex with and your coupling was broadcast during the Super Bowl, you still don't have to pine away forever.

Your son was passive-aggressive and rude. Quite frankly, he was cowardly, just running away rather than telling you no.

This kind of behavior will never fly in an office or the military. If has his sights on either future, it's better that he learns this lesson now, rather than later.

Don't let him walk all over you.

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@jespah,

I agree with everything Jespah said. Family dramas are usually devoted to unreasonable jealousy or reasonable jealously or money issues. My first husband left me when my son was only 2 years old, he contributed practically nothing for the child. My baby is now 53 years old and his father hasn't reached out to him since he was Fourteen. Social Dad is a drunk, that's the problem for son and my 'feelings of guilt marrying a vicious jerk) For you, your well-cared for son has become way too rude. Pace yourself, let him marinate with his behavior. He might not repair his behaviour, but you can live with no guilty feelings (easier said than done) . Please move on and please don't allow anyone to burden you with unnecessary guilt.

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I’m really sorry, this is clearly painful.

But based on what you wrote, there’s no clear sign your son was trying to hurt you or that your ex “engineered” this. What’s more likely is that your son felt overwhelmed and emotionally stuck between parents, and handled it by avoiding and pulling back.

That said, your hurt is valid. Being left out of something like this feels like rejection.

The important part now is not assigning blame, but repairing the relationship. Try to avoid focusing on the graduation incident and instead reach out simply with something like: you miss him and want to stay close when he’s ready.

Right now, this looks more like distance and emotional pressure than intentional cruelty.

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Hurt by adult son

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