Need advice: my husband is a liar

Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 12:05 pm
I need some advice on if my marriage can be saved or is past the point. About 2 years ago my husband told a long term lie meaning he lied about the same thing over and over and over for a period of about 5 months. The lie was about money and this was a lie that he looked at me and told me probably 30 times at least. Of course with the initial lie made up details followed as I question it more. It wasn’t until I finally couldn’t stand the gut feeling he was lying and looked through his emails that he admitted his lie. Of course followed by I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I did this, I love you, it will never happen again. I still didn’t trust him 100% because of that lie to this day. Well today I found once again he has told me a long term lie this one even worse and more deceitful than the first. He has been lying to me for the better part of a year about his job. A job he doesn’t even have!!! He gets up every morning and leaves the house to go to a pretend job half the time and a part time job I had no idea about the other 1/2. This lie has came with a mountain of detail lies and made up people and made up conversations and made up work problems and bosses and it’s CRAZY! I again had a gut feeling that would not go away and I’ve been ignoring it for a couple of months but 2 days ago I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I turned on the find me app on his phone and got the solid proof I needed and to be honest in my heart knew for a couple months. I then called his “work” and asked for him just so he couldn’t say he didn’t have to work the last couple days for whatever reason and the secretary confirmed my suspicion that my husband didn’t work there nor had he ever. I had my suspicions he didn’t work there anymore but I had no idea he had never worked there. I’m absolutely devastated. We just celebrated our 14 year anniversary and have been together for 17 years. I had 2 kids from a previous marriage (ironically i divorced him for lying… apparently I have a type and it’s not a good one) and they were 5 and 8 when we got married and we have a 13 year old together. This would destroy all 3 kids especially our child together. We are a very close family and spend a lot of together time. Our 13 year old has always been the type of child who would much rather hangout with mom and dad and watch a movie then even hangout with a friend. I’m so afraid if my husband and I divorce it would destroy him. I love my husband and I don’t want a divorce. Every other aspect of our marriage is great or at least from my point of view. However I can’t help but wonder is it all a lie? Has this been going on our r tire marriage? Can I ever trust him again? The trust was already broken and I found myself having a hard time trusting him again. Can trust be restored? Is love enough? And if I can’t get past this do I stay for the wellbeing of my child and sacrifice my own happiness? I would die for my child so my first instinct is yes? Please someone help me. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would love to hear from you and what if anything worked or did you walk? Any advice is welcome but please be kind and don’t tell me how stupid I am… trust me I already know how dumb I must sound and honestly my heart is broke and I don’t need judgement just some good advice. And before anyone asks how I didn’t notice by our checking account let me answer that question now. He handles the finances. His dad is very wealthy and gives him large sums of money often. There always is money when I need it so there was never any reason to question lack of funds due to pretend job. Please help!
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 12:16 pm
@Lying husband,
You need to speak with a family therapist, not us. Seriously, they are equipped and experienced; we are not.

How has he been supporting all of you without a job??

And next time, please put some paragraph returns in there. It's quite hard to read all in one block.
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Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 12:26 pm
@Lying husband,
Whoa, that's a lot to unpack.

My first instinct is to get access into everything, with an emphasis on the financials. Bank accounts, tax returns, you name it. Because if he falsified tax forms and you've signed them (if you were filing jointly), then he's not the only one who committed an actual federal crime.

So, you need to know the extent of his lies and if any of them are worse than a fib here and there. You not being told accurate information about where he works/worked is one thing. But the IRS being fed that same cock and bull story is a whole other level of problems.

If his daddy is continually bailing him out as you say, then that also, potentially, creates an inheritance issue. If you and/or your children are expecting a payout when granddad goes to meet his maker, it may end up being a lot less than expected if your husband has been on the receiving end of cash bailouts for years and for thousands of dollars.

Oh, and if they hit a certain figure (can't recall it of the top of my head, but Google gift tax), they may be subject to a gift tax. Which I will bet dollars to doughnuts he is ignoring, if that's a part of this mess.

As for your marriage (IANAD), I understand how you feel about your child together and trying to protect them at the cost of your own future. But consider the concept of providing a lesson to him or her. So consider this.

I have personally always despised the notion of staying together "for the sake of the children".


Because that puts an enormous weight on the child(ren). And it imparts one helluva lesson: that love and integrity don't matter, and an adult's feelings take a backseat to a child's. It also teaches that you can get away with pretty much anything and still stay in a marriage if there's a child.

That's a lousy curriculum for your kid.
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 01:19 pm
@Lying husband,
TL;DR Offer couples therapy and both get an individual therapist. You need someone private who you can rebuild your sense of self with and he possibly has past **** to deal with by himself. May take a few couple councilors but you both need to find the right one. However don't let that be the excuse to never go to one because they all "suck". Lastly if he doesn't want therapy it's best to separate. The kids are viewing your relationship as a model for there's. They internalize how to treat a woman and what is acceptable to allow from a spouse. If he doesn't want therapy forcing it will only cause him to lie and waste money. He voluntarily has to WANT it. He needs to figure out the root cause. Could be from feeling inferior and afraid you will leave if he is just normal average "Jo Blow" instead of hotshot big bucks like his dad. This pattern formed in his early years and will take time and reflection in therapy to track it down. It will take years IF he is willing. Therapy and transparency to all his affairs is required to move forward. YouTube "Dr. Kirk Honda" to find helpful videos on lying. He is where I learned a lot of this from. What he did is NOT your fault it is with his past issues. Going forward now that you know IS partly your responsibility. Willing therapy or bust IMO.

I agree with whats here but think you need to ask him flat out if he will participate in couples therapy. NOT demand he goes. If you demand it then he could just lie to the therapist and nothing gets done. Therapy only works if both parties are honest. Btw it may take a few therapists to find the right fit for both and that's okay as long as it's not an excuse to never go.

I STRONGLY recommend you watch some of "Dr. Kirk Honda" videos on YouTube. He is a therapist and discusses topics about liers. He had a lot of videos but see if any of them help.

Through therapy y'all figure out why he feels the need to lie which is HUGE! Does he feel inadequate and lies to keep you in love with him fearing the truth would make you leave? That could be one reason. Without knowing the core fear behind the lies you can't stop it. You'll need to figure out the deep issue of why and address that...... through therapy. He may need a personal therapist as well as group therapist. If you want to try to make it work the cost is expected.

Don't stay for the children. FWIW I was and am Christian and believe that divorce is a last resort however having parents who fight and model an unhealthy relationship will damage there sense of who a partner should look like when they grow up. It might be subconscious but YOU and your HUSBAND are roll models. They internalize what they see. Doesn't have to be yelling and physical abuse to be be bad examples.

Bottom line you and your kids deserve a safe financial future with trust. If your husband doesn't want to go to couples or individual therapy then it's a bust. Don't give him an ultimatum or he will lie in therapy just know it's a yes or a separation.

YOU also should get personal therapy. These lies have probably been really detrimental on your sense of self and what is real or not. I think you deserve a personal therapist for just you along with the couple therapist if you want to try and make it work.

This is why lying is bad. Once they lie about one thing the trust is broken and you are reasonable for questioning everything said.
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Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 01:40 pm
@Lying husband,
P.S. correction YouTube channel is Psychology in Seattle. Host is Kirk Honda*"

Another great YT channel is "Steph Anya, LMFT'
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Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 02:52 pm
@Lying husband,
Many things to consider: Counseling for yourself is paramount!

Second, are you working? If you're at home and he's the sole bread winner so to speak, then you have to be careful. Your husband obviously has no job and the money comes from his father - in case of a divorce, you don't have assets and you might be struggling financially while your husband can move in with his dad.

Before you do anything (other than counseling) consult an attorney and see what your options are.

Personally, once the trust is broken there is nothing left to repair. He broke your trust twice and the first time you gave him the benefit of the doubt, now it's on him. I would be curious, though as to why he created this entire imaginary working world around him including work related problems and co-workers. Kind of fascinating to go through that great detail and length of lies to pull a fast one over you.

Good luck and let us know what happened!
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Lying husband
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2023 06:00 pm
Taxes are a non issue we file separately. The whole money thing is really a non issue. I came from a family with money. Big money. I’ve never cared about being wealthy or material things and he knows this about me. His dad has never had a big fancy job. He worked at the same place for 50 years and spent as little as possible to save as much as possible. Had a job with a wonderful 401 that matched dollar for dollar and then made some very smart moves in the stock market. He’s truly a self made multi millionaire. Once you hit a million your money really starts to grow but when u hit 2 million it starts to multiply as fast as you can count it. My husband is an only child that he raised by himself. The inheritance is also a non issue because first and foremost that is my husband’s inheritance not mine and my kids already have theirs set aside. Also we know about the gift tax and I believe it’s 15k or maybe 17k a year but theres always ways to give more like give each of us the max so that’s 15k times 5 tax free.

Anyways I didn’t want to get into the money side of this because it’s not the issue at hand. It’s not an issue in the marriage and it won’t be in a divorce. I can support myself and 3 kids. I know how lucky I am to not ever have to worry about that and I hope non of that came off pretentious. I only told the back story of his dad so you would understand that definitely didn’t play into the why if it all.

That’s what’s so hard to wrap my head around in the first place is the why. He had no reason to lie to me either time. After spending every second of this day thinking about it I do think I have a pretty good idea when it comes to the why and I don’t know why I never thought of it before. His mom left when he was 5 just left and never came back and never called or anything. He doesn’t talk about her much and neither does his dad but over the last 17 years they have said enough for me to get a pretty good picture. First and foremost she was a pathological liar. I was sitting here and it’s like a huge light bulb went off and I can’t believe It never crossed my mind before.

I’ve already told him before I can even begin to decide what I’m going to do he needed to work on himself and figure out why he’s lying.

As for me it’s just another bomb in the sh*t show I call my life. My biological dad committed suicide when I was 6, my mom died suddenly from an anaphylactic reaction related to severe asthma when I was 27, six months later my only sibling overdosed while I was in the middle of a divorce, at 35 the man I called dad and the man who raised me remarried and his new wife gave him an ultimatum her or me and he chose her. No one tells you one of the most painful experiences is to mourn a parent that is actually still alive and by the way lives literally around the corner from me. I can see the back my childhood home where he lives with her from my front porch. So honestly I got this lying husband thing divorce or working though it because I’ve already walked through hell and back and lived to tell about it.

I don’t talk about my marriage issues with my grandma or aunts (whom I’m very close with thank god) because I don’t think it’s healthy to put them in that position and they will most definitely have a much harder time forgiving him then I will if I choose to stay. And that’s my advice for everyone for the day 😂 the point of sharing that is I needed to vent and my way is writing it down and getting it out of me. I also wanted an outside opinion and advice from someone who isn’t to close to the situation because I always think that kind of advice is best. Someone on the outside looking in is always better than someone sitting in it. So thanks everyone for the advice and I do plan on watching the videos suggested and I’ve already got a good therapist on speed dial. Much love to everyone who took the time to read and respond. God bless. 😘
bobsal u1553115
Reply Mon 21 Aug, 2023 09:11 am
@Lying husband,
As crazy as the situation is, it seems to have been working for you for 17 years. Working a phantom job for over a decade really takes the cake, but it didn't seem to affect your marriage or your standard of living.

It may be broke but it doesn't seem to bear fixing.

If I were you, I'd be putting money into your own private account and I'd have a "secret" safety deposit box. I'd have my car in my name.

At some point the lies will get in the way of your life and you need to be ready to act on the moment.
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