I really need help on this mess

I’m on my early 30s and the man I’m speaking about is in his late 40s.

We met late 2017 where he introduced me to his business. He presented it as a fantastic opportunity. As soon as I met him I felt that he was someone I’d love to get to know and be friends with, but in regards to the business I wasn’t too sure and wanted to get to know a bit more about it.

We became close friends, always speaking to each other because we wanted to. We enjoyed getting to know each other. We had a shared background- parents from the same country, studied the same thing at university and interested in the same area of work and career.

This man is married to someone. I am single.

We began meeting up often-after he finished work and I finished work, when he wanted to go into town to buy things and on weekends. We spoke on the phone regularly. Before work, during lunch breaks and after work. We really enjoyed each other’s personalities and always seemed to get along with each other and make each other happy and relaxed.

Feelings grew and we were really attracted to each other. I felt like he was an anchor in my life. Someone I could turn to and discuss everything with. He gave me good advice about family, relationships, mental health and career options based on my interests.

We started to get physically intimate. We would kiss and hug and have a lot of sexual interactions- oral sex mainly and a few occasions of intercourse. We would meet and do this anywhere possible. In his car, hotels, any public place we were in, we would find a place to just be fiercely passionate. The bond grew very strong and deep.

His wife began to suspect something and in 2020, called my phone to ask if I’m having an affair with her husband to which I said no and assured her nothing was going on in that way. I was lying. I did it to protect his marriage because I knew he wouldn’t ever want me as more than someone he could have this type of relationship with. I never said to myself that he should leave his wife. I just knew that if he was single, he is someone I would have liked to explore things with.

After the phone call from the wife, things changed.

I started to feel very uncomfortable that she contacted me. It started to take a toll on my health. I was anxious, sad and always thinking about him. During this time it was Covid-19 so our meetings were pretty much nonexistent anyways…but the fact she suspected me made me unnerved about me and her husband.

I did not want to let go of him because I had built up a very strong connection with him and he was very involved in my life and my routine.

Anyways, 6 months after his wife called me, I contacted her back to tell her that I was involved sexually with her husband, that we engaged in oral but didn’t mention the vaginal sex, that I had worked with him, that he used to call me all the time and that we would meet.

Then she told him everything I said and we stopped all contact. A year and 5 months have gone by. We have not been in each others lives although I missed him so much.

Because of this longing I felt, I decided to make contact with him after 1.5 years. We spoke a few times, then met in a public place for drinks about 5 times, he came to my home once and then one weekend his wife was away he came over to my place again and spent the day with me. We had a mind blowing sexual experience and then he left. He ejaculated multiple times and made me cum too.

It’s been 2 days since we met and he has not contacted me.

Since I made contact after the 1.5 years, he told me he was angry, didn’t expect me to do that and just feels very scared that it could happen again. He said things couldn’t go back to how they were but if we can see each other sometimes it’s better than nothing.

Now it’s affecting me.

I already knew/ know he works with a lot of women, has a lot of business partners and have seen some interesting things on social media. I think he has replaced our intense connection with another woman- I’m very sure.

I feel sick at myself for ever being in this situation. I never thought I would ever be that woman but I am now.