Should I be concerned about wife's contact with ex?

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Hey all,

My wife and I are 31 (me) and 34 (her) and have been married for 4 years in September. All together we have been dating since October of 2015.

All has been going well until I did a little snooping that got me upset a few weeks ago.

My wife had been asking for new pots/pans for her birthday and I agreed to get her them. Said I would like to get her a nice set and told her to look into it and let me know what she likes.

I then saw she posted a status on Facebook to crowd source information. She wrote to all of her "friends who like to cook" requesting their opinions on pots/pans. She also added that her "chef friends are welcome to provide opinions as well- Looking at you Bob (she tagged him)."

I was curious because I had never heard of this guy so I clicked on his page.

Soon I realized that my wife has liked quite a few of his pictures and statuses since we started dating up until present day. Mostly pictures of food but also pictures of him with his siblings/family and selfies. 2 of the pictures she liked were actually shirtless and that really bugged me.

Upon further "research" I found a picture of my wife and him together back in 2015, they went on a date a few months before her and I got together.

Immediately my fears started playing out that maybe she has some continued interest in this guy or that he would be a better match for her. She has dreams of going to culinary school and becoming a chef herself.

I spoke with her about it and she told me not to compare myself. Told me that she doesn't even keep in contact with this guy. Saying it was 7 years ago and they went on a handful of dates over the course of a month.

She also unfollowed him and removed him as a friend since I told her it makes me uncomfortable. I didn't ask her to, but she claims she did it to make more comfortable. Though she did seem annoyed about it and said something about "having a life before me" and how I'm trying to "erase her past." Which is not my goal.

We also talked about it during couple's therapy and she reiterated that she is not interested in this guy and that I should not be comparing myself to someone she dated 7 years ago. She even threw him under the bus a little bit when she started to list all the reasons why she loves me.

She added in "not to be mean to him, but he's 36 and still living at home with his parents. There is nothing to compare yourself to."

I feel like I should feel better after these comments, but I'm still nervous.

Advice?

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@mbassani91,

You have nothing to worry about, I am sure.

It's ancient history, and she chose you. And how awesome are you for getting her excellent cookware! I have Le Cruset and love it, but it is pricey and kinda heavy. If she has any arm strength or arthritis issues, it's probably not a good idea.

The shirtless pics - they may have been in the context of beach vacation snapshots or weight loss/muscle building milestone documentation.

As for why they were in touch - I have been married for over 30 years. In 1979 (!) I dated a guy for a month. He and I are now FB pals, and have been so for, gosh, I think a good 10 years already. I like his photos and write encouraging stuff on his wall. He became the mayor of his town and is divorced.

And I have zero desire to get back with him. It's ancient history. I know him way better than I did back in the day and he's a truly kind person. If he posted beach photos I would probably like them, too -- as much as I hit like on pics of him with his grandson.

My marriage is secure. And dollars to doughnuts, yours is, too.

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@mbassani91,

You're over-thinking this. I have remained friendly with my ex. We're not in contact, but if I see him, I'd say hi and perhaps have a coffee and catch up. It means nothing. A handful of dates over the course of a month vs 7 years with you? To boot, she unfriended him on FB and removed him as a friend.

C'mon! You need to let this go. Why are you so insecure? She DID have a life before you, as you did. My husband was single up until he married me and 9 of his ex-girlfriends were at our wedding, for Pete's sake. That didn't bother me a bit... he had his chance to marry them if he had wanted to, but he didn't. Ditto with your wife.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thanks, I really appreciate the reassurance and well written reply.

I think my fears got the better of me because they seemed to share so much in common and it was weird to me that she kept so up to date on the social media of a guy she says she went on 3 dates with.

From her social media, she took the break up hard as she posted a lot of dramatic quotes about someone lighting a fire in you that won't ever go out even though you don't get to spend your life with them.

Other ones about wanting someone more than they want you and how you can't make others feel a way just because you do.

Now the weird part is...I'm not entirely sure these were about that guy because she did end a long term relationship a few months prior to dating this guy when her ex cheated on her and then married the woman he cheated on her with months later.

He also posted a quote in 2016 (we had been dating a year) that said "We were the perfect match, but maybe that's why we burned out."

She responded in reacting with the "love" reaction.

I think I wouldn't care so much if I hadn't built it up in my head that he is her "one that got away." That's truly the only reason I'm comparing myself because if I'm honest, that thought hurts.

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@Mame,

Yeah I think I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't build it up in my head that this is some "one that got away."

They seemed to share so much in common and she likes so much of what he posts. I just don't understand why. It's almost everything including pictures his Mom posts when she goes to visit him in the city.

He also recently posted on her facebook "Happy belated birthday lovely." and that really got under my skin.

All of this really highlighted my insecurities because I feel like I am a catch and a good husband but yet she still maintained contact with this guy so I took it personally like he offered something I couldn't.

This is also kind of splitting hairs, but she removed him on facebook but not instagram. I brought the issue to her attention on facebook and had hoped she would remove him on both platforms.

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I think I also over-think a lot of things that end up being silly in the end.

I saw that a few months after we started dating he had posted a status asking who wanted to be his Harley Quinn for Halloween?

My wife (at the time girlfriend) commented: "Are you in Jersey?!?"

My immediate thought was wow she wants to go as his Harley for the night.

However, I then realized I was probably over-thinking.

My wife does special effects make-up and she posted a picture of her Halloween make-up.

This guy commented and wrote "I wish you did my costume, this looks great!"

She replied with "I would have, hence why I asked if you were around!"

So seemingly a benign reason after I had built it up in my head.

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@mbassani91,

There you go then... over-thinking. Next time, change the channel in your head as it's probably ALL in your head anyway Smile

If you enjoy her and she enjoys you, take it for what it is and stop snooping on her FB - it just feeds your insecurities.

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@Mame,

Thanks for the advice and responses.

So I'm guessing none of what I described above seems concerning?

We do enjoy each other, I'm just trying to protect myself I guess.

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@mbassani91,

No, it's not concerning. My husband has lots of female friends, on FB and in person. You should just look at what your wife does for you, says to you, how she treats you, etc. Apparently she loves you Smile

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@Mame,

Yeah, I'm totally okay with her having male friends.

This one was just odd because they used to date and she seemed to like EVERYTHING he posted.

Even when his Mother would post that she was going to visit him and tagged him in a picture. They aren't even friends but she was liking that too.

Just seemed super involved for someone you went on 3 dates with over a month span one summer 7 years ago.

Made me question if there were lingering feelings or she was looking for his attention.

Especially because they dated in August and we started talking in September and dating in October so I don't want to be a rebound because things didn't work out with him.

1 Reply

@mbassani91,

You two have been together long enough that the Statute of Limitations has run out on it being a rebound.

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@jespah,

True.

I guess I’ll just chalk it up to he was a nice dude but it didn’t work out.

They remained friendly and share an interest in cooking but that’s about it.

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@jespah,

Here’s a weird one that may be just me over thinking things,

5/28 is his birthday.

On 5/27 my wife and I were texting and she was being short so I asked her what was wrong, she claimed she was “out of it.”

No big deal.

Few minutes later she texts “forever and always”

I was like huh?

She tells me she meant to send that to her best girlfriend Kim.

Next day on his bday she was still “out of it.”

I asked if I could help with anything and she said she is just “fantasizing about quitting life become a personal chef.”

This guy is a personal chef.

Weird coincidence.

3 Replies

@mbassani91,

Maybe you are just convinced your wife is cheating on you, even though there is no proof. You may be letting your imagination run you into circles and I'm sure your wife doesn't find this at all flattering.

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@mbassani91,

Dude, you are hunting for reasons to be concerned. And it's not a needle in a haystack. It's a goddamned needle in the ocean. If there's even a needle at all.

You can take it on face value, that things are okay.

Or you can continue to be obsessed and, by your actions, make it not okay.

And then congratulate yourself on being prescient.

And that way lies madness.

Binge watch something awesome. Make art. Clean the garage. Hook a rug. Take up bungee jumping. Collect stamps. I don't care—just find something to occupy your mind and your time so you can pull yourself out of this thinking rut you're in.

Surely there are other things in the world for you to think about.

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@mbassani91,

Your brain is an over active puppy constantly wanting to do something.

As Jespah says you need to focus on something else, give the puppy something else to do, or it will keep coming back to this.

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Well, it’s good to know this many people don’t see an issue with what’s going on.

I will work on the over thinking and finding other things to occupy me.

1 Reply

@mbassani91,

You are hearing but not listening. There's not very many people that ask for cookware for their birthday present. As such, she's thinking about the best product with the most value to further engage in an activity she really enjoys. So, she seeks out opinions on the subject, up to and including a person that cooks as a vocation.

In turn, you've taken this as a personal slight, as that "somebody" just happens to be a blast from the past with romantic ties. That relationship has run its course and has been over for many years. She's not interested in a romantic relationship but she is very interested in how he's excelled in his profession.

Your jealousy and pouting caused her to break those ties. She is very concerned that you cannot control your feelings and wants to alleviate any more undue stress from the situation.

Here's the thing you're not seeing. You've just caused a rift you may not be able to understand or control. She told you she really wants to cook professionally. Instead of cultivating that thought, you double down on the thought she may still have romantic thoughts about him and wants to dump you.

This isn't about you. It's about her, her hopes and dreams and...well, that's probably not feasible for her to do now since you've made it all about you.

So, the question is now, would you like to support her aspirations or do you still want to make everything about you?

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

The pots and pans were for personal use at home. I’m pretty sure she can attend culinary school that I keep encouraging her to attend and offering to pay for without consulting a chef who’s so successful he’s couch surfing at his Moms.

Also my issue was never her seeking advice it was the fact that she still engages so much with this guys content on social media. Not cooking content, selfies and shirtless photos that I saw as distasteful.

1 Reply

@mbassani91,

I give this marriage 2-3 more years before she dumps your ass. Not because she wants someone else, it'll be because you're impossible to live with.

1 Reply

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