Should I be concerned about wife's contact with ex?

Sounds like it.

I think most people are bothered by their spouse being in contact with an ex. Not sure why that’s so offensive to you.

So you had a word, and nobody was there.

What?

Ok, I'll agree that this is an isolated case where you've checked and deemed your wife's behavior as inappropriate. I also believe you spend more time checking up on her, making sure she stays in her "marriage" lane. You habitually make sure she doesn't do or say anything that can reflect poorly on you. This isn't the first time you've looked at her Facebook page, texts or other social media. It's just the first time you saw something you didn't like.

That level of Control and Jealousy is unhealthy and bound to cause issues. It already has. And you still won't back off your stance. You cannot continue to alienate her from friends. You're only going to push her so far, sooner or later she's going to be fed up with your behavior. Then you'll blame her for the issue YOU caused.

I'm not the only one who sees how this situation has escalated and as a result, will continue to escalate into more anxiety and fights down the road.

She’s free to have whatever friends she wants. I was just trying to have a discussion with her about how this one made me uncomfortable to get reassurance.

I’ve dated people for a month or two and I don’t keep in contact with them because it didn’t work out for a reason.

Her continued engagement in liking all of his stuff including shirtless pictures just seemed a strange level of continued interest.

Would have been cool too if she didn’t get so defensive and annoyed and just said “we are still friends” and calmly explained that to me but none of my concerns were validated.

Actually is the first time I’ve done either of those things. My insecurity was spiked when she talked about our marriage issues and I panicked.

Really? See, I don't believe you. Please share how this came to be:

These were back to back incidents separated by maybe a week or two. I admitted to her that I looked at her phone and apologized. First time I had ever looked at her private phone in 7 years because I was nervous after our conversation.

Haven’t looked at it since.

The guy I discovered was simply I was on Facebook one day and the status popped up. I was like huh? She’s got a friend who’s a chef? That’s cool, I’m surprised I’ve never heard of him.

Then when I clicked on his name I was like ohhhh maybe this is why I haven’t heard of him.

Oh. So you decided she was doing something nefarious and just HAD to confront her.

In the course of Time, you've not accepted she can have friends that is an ex.

Your experience doesn't equate to hers though. You're taking your issues out on her.

How long do you think she'll continue to allow that to happen?

Nah I didn’t necessarily think she was cheating it just made me uncomfortable so I calmly was like hey can we talk about something? I didn’t accuse her or aggressively confront her.

Just was like hey this kind of makes me uncomfortable. I even said I understand not every relationship has to end in hating each other so I get that. I just want to understand and feel better so I don’t jump to conclusions because that’s not fair to you or our relationship.

Oh. Ok, shirtless men make you uncomfortable. Got it. Just don't think she sees it that way.

I'm not a very jealous person to begin with. I feel if my spouse tells me that they think it's over and they've found someone better that me, I say, go for it. No need to put us both through crap. Go forth and Be happy. As will I.

Having said that, I'll share a story from last night. Yes, last NIGHT. My spouse is a maintenance supervisor for an apartment complex that mainly serves young college age people. He's in charge of the community pool, making sure the chemicals are added and the PH levels are correct and logged. It's been extremally hot here and the pool has been getting alot of use.

It started out as one, say 22ish, woman sent him a selfie in her bikini about 8 o'clock. Then it was a deluge of young women sending their photos of themselves by the pool, scantly clad women sending him texts. I laughed as the phone kept pinging. It doesn't bother me. It annoyed him a great deal as it was an intrusion into his evening about work.

We've been married for 12 years. If he wants to trade me in for someone younger, better, more beautiful or has more money than me, do it.

Ain't nobody got time for that ****.

LOL that’s actually a pretty funny story.

Not all shirtless men, just one dated right before me and can’t seem to leave alone.

Dude, again, you're making a problem.

Even if she did want to be with him (WHICH SHE DOES NOT) you'd be powerless to stop it. You've asked and she explained the situation and you still will not let it go. You NEED it do that.

There's going to be many situations almost exactly like this throughout your marriage. If liking a shirtless ex pic is going to make you go bonkers than it's going to be a miserable marriage.

Just stop.

It must be awful feeling that way. This isn't a slam, but I'm curious if you have considered anti depressant or anti anxiety medication. I'm not suggesting that as a solution to a one time temporary crisis of confidence, but if you find yourself frequently considering things in a negative light, you don't have to continue feeling that way. (IANAD)

I guess my feelings on this are just tough to process because it seems like from everything she posted around the time they dated that she really liked this dude and he moved away/didn’t feel the same way and broke her heart.

We’ve all been there.

I just don’t understand continuing to be in contact with him when we then started dating a month or so later. Which then continued throughout our relationship and marriage to the present day.

The feeling that she’s still pining away or trying to keep herself in contact with this guy for some unknown reason is what really upsets me because after 7 years I should be enough to let that go.

But she ISN'T pining -- YOU ARE.

The level of engagement makes me uncomfortable that’s all.

I acknowledge that is a me thing.

What "level" are you referring to? That she liked a couple of shirtless pics of her ex on Facebook? Again, you have not explained how this affects you or your marriage in any way.

This is petty and silly and it's going to cost you a whole lot more than just being uncomfortable. Do you get that, at all?

The shirtless pics as well as nearly every picture of himself or thing he posts just seems to be more involved then I’m comfortable with. To me it conveys interest in someone outside the marriage who you once had romantic feelings for.

I guess it just caught me off guard that they are still connected and I’ve never heard of him in 7 years. Made it feel like it was kept secret.

I wouldn’t do the same thing with an ex girlfriend just because it would be disrespectful towards her.

Talking about going to visit his restaurant, liking pictures his mom posts only if they are of him. Just don’t understand the motive.

Saying they don’t talk but I can see what’s on social media and she still knows where he is living currently.