The horse in question was indeed a fine specimen, but his bum was hardly its best feature. It had a beautiful mane and great teeth, which were being examined by the owner.
Mrs God exclaimed....
Mrs. God is such a silly woman. She can't tell a horse from a human. Odd that she has so much power and still makes so many mistakes. Confused, she turns her attention to God himself and says, "let's have some lunch."
Meanwhile back at the restaurant, Bill and Susan are finishing up their meal and discussing Susan's difficulty saying no to her family.
"I know, I know," says Susan. "But my mother involves me in her web so easily. She's always loved Elinor best. No matter what I do to please her, she always gives her attention to my youngest sister."
"Still," says Bill, "it seems you blame everything on your mother. Isn't it time you began to think about yourself? You've spent too much money again this month on the credit cards. It's as if you console yourself with spending, meanwhile I can't pay the bills."
Susan thought about killing him again. Her psychosis ebbed and she thought of fond memories. She'd have another spree soon spending his money as well as preying on old women and little children.
Susan's dark side was growing stronger every day. Her cycles were increasing in tempo. It had to be soon she thought to herself. She'd choose a victim this weekend she thought with a smile.
"Honey are you listening?" Bill asked lovingly. Susan spat in his face and walked away.
Mrs. God watched the handsome bum as it muscled its way down the park path by an oak tree alive in autumn golds and, further along, past a wrought iron bench where two young and happy lovers kissed.
"It was," God said, "your idea." She'd been waiting for this, and was surprised only at how long it took him to get it out into the open. "Knowledge, free will, " he continued, "just let them do what they bloody well please. It's no wonder."
She'd known from the beginning that He was the conservative type. Well, she should have. She'd met Him at a big party at Zeus' place and He was the only one in white - beard, clothes, the whole thing. She though he'd looked kind of cute in a stiff, dependable sort of way. Having not met him before, she decided to get the skinny on him and so made a bee line over to Aphrodite. Dighty knew all the guys. The guys had a nickname for her, Dighty the Tighty, which Mrs. G had always thought to be the least likely nickname she'd ever bumped into. To Mrs. G's utter amazement, Dighty had struck out with this one. And, of course, if female dieties are anything, they are competitive. So she set out to snag Him.
White, she soon discovered, was more than a simple motif with the fellow. Everything associated with this guy was white...house, carpets, walls, his entire wardrobe including sandals, everything down to the cutlery was white. At first, she found it striking and original, a refreshing change from the way Mars had done up his place, with red and gold cannons lining the walkways and the columns all large chrome copies of his penis. But pretty quickly, Mrs. G twigged that this white thing was leaning over into the obsessive. One afternoon, He comes home and there's a grain of Promised Land sand in the carpet and He flips.
Then, there was the Garden of Eden incident. This had been big, for both of them. they tried to keep a lid on their feelings, but because He was all-knowing, He could always tell when she was getting pissed about it again. She didn't have to be all-knowing to tell when he was burning about it, because he'd never stopped. Yes men. He'd wanted yes men and gardeners. That was His idea of excitement. It sure as hell wasn't hers. If He is going to out all day, turning people to salt pillers, she wanted someone with enough on the ball to at least play cribbage with. So, she slid Eve the apple. Well, her eyes lit up like candles and she looked all around and she looked Adam up and down and shoved the apple in his mouth too. Things very quickly got....well, looking at the expressions on their faces, Mrs. G thought no better word described what was going on than 'divine'.
So this was a hot button. And standing there on the deck, Mrs. G figured there wasn't anything in Creation she less rather listen to than The Lecture again. She reached into the pocket of her white robe. He knew, of course, it was coming. But He still couldn't believe it (Gods don't have to be good at that). She unscrewed the little gold cylinder and the ravishingly bright red lipstick pushed out into a universe of white. Looking right into His eyes, she perfectly traced the lines of her lips. Then, she walked over to the big fancy white alter, wrote 'see ya' in bold letters across the front of it before leaping off the deck and down down down to a park bench that just happened to be in precisely the direction that bum was heading.
Leopold was still running when the all white creature with red lips landed on the path before him. It was time for a rest anyway, so he stopped to say hello. Wiping his brow with the towel he carried in the back pocket of his running shorts, his breath still coming hot and heavy, he said, "hey."
Mrs. God was happy to see that Leopold with the bum wasn't too bright, since what she had in mind didn't require much thought.
Darn! Isn't any man going to come
along and get going on this story?
I think it still has some possibilities.
After all, Mrs.G. having fun
once, is that all there is?
After the divorce, Mr God decided that as he'd been under the maternally godly thumb for too long, it was time to break out and have some fun. He was fed up with being blamed for phlegm and tooth decay. and people saying to him, "Why did you make me aware that I would have to kick the bucket some time?"
Which caused him to reminisce. (Verdi's Flight of The Hebrew Slaves Playing Softly in the Background).
When he waited at the first table where the first pair ate the first apple.
He saw everyting that was going to happen but it didn't stop handing it all over to the private sector. He thought, "With a lot of stupid rules and regulations I could stretch this out for a billion years".
So he said, "Let there be light, and there was a bright glow. Then when he saw the date, he realised that it was Monday, Monday 4th July 4004, the date his friend Bishop Ussher decided when he should start work making the world.
So he got to work that fateful Monday. For verily he had a big job to do. He made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata and Jurassic bones of mythical creatures to confuse smart-ass fossil-hunters. He made all those cave paintings at Lascaux and threw up Stonehenge, causing numerous archeologosts to go mental trying to figure out how the stone coss-beams were hoisted into place. And that was only the FIRST day.
And on the evening of the FIFTH day - which was the roughest day yet - he said, "Thank Me, it's Friday".
He thought, "But I fooled them - they think that are are only going to be ten commandments to be obeyed - but that's only the foundation to be built on".
So Mr God decided to write his biography. And if you want to meet him he'll be at Amazon.Com, next Tuesday week signing copies of the bible.
Amen
Meanwhile Leopold sat down on the bench to catch his breath. He could hardly believe he had run so far today. He was worried about his relationship with his girl friend, who was a little miffed that he'd been flirting with another woman. "Women," he thought, "mysterious creatures every one. If only I didn't like them so much, I'd be safer from myself." sigh..................
And it came to pass that as Leopold sat upon the seat of the weary, one of God's goodly feathered creatures, in its flight, shat upon his bowed head and Leopold in his vanity bethought this a blessing.
And a punishment as well........for Leopold had sinned.
Sinning
Sinning. What exactly is sinning? Some Peoples' Sins are anothers' every day minor troubles, and of no great moment. So let us define sins. Should this be a story or a commentary I wonder? Let us begin.
The children's Nanny considers that there are three types of sin and they are, in order of seriousness with the the most minor first:
Venial Sins
Mortal Sins
Taking off one shoes without undoing the laces
Many People had many things to say about sins;
On his Death-Bed and receiving the Last Rites, the Priest asked Brendan Behan if he was sorry for his sins and did he renounce the Devil and all his evil works. The great Irish Playwright and Author said: "Father, this is no time to be making enemies".
And of course Mae West: "Between two sins, I would always try the one I hadn't tried before".
On the 17th February 1842, in a battle famous in British Army history, General Sir Charles Napier, commanding an army of 2,800, defeated a force of over 22,000 Sindhis. He was supposed to have sent a telegram to the East India Company Headquarters in London which stated "Peccavi" (I have sinned). There is some doubt over this. In the London satirical magazine (not yet a year old), there is a cartoon showing Napier striding through the carnage of the battlefield, with the caption Peccavi - I have Sinned.
Leopold shakes his head. "Is that a voice I hear?" he asks out loud. "Is that God speaking?"
God adjusted her bra-strap and answered...
You better believe, it buster - for, lo, indeed, I have come to show you heaven!
Leopold's curiosity was aroused. Now thus piqued he mumbled..
And, upon hearing that weird and keening Hhhhhhhhow, Leopold looked up and said, "How now, brown sow?"
Wondering just what on earth she had got herself into, what with all the talking to himself the man was doing, the emancipated Mrs God said: "Never mind your diction now, Leopold - there are more important things to focus on. You ask how I will take you to heaven - I reply, there are so many ways....."
After almost 47 days in Heaven Leopold was getting fed up of limitless good humour, all the ambrosia and nectar he good drink and eat and was grieving for the days when he could access able2know.com and play with all his cyber pals.
God, dear lady, if you're listening beam me DOWN please !
