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Thu 28 Jul, 2005 11:39 pm
Please critique this. I'm having trouble deciding if this one is worth working on more.
Protest Prose for Anna
it's not pretty inside
a head made of pig fat,
super speed glucose,
red dye #4,
preservative of what?!
an abortive derivative
of latin beauty,
your macho birthright
defended by ink lines,
a blood line traced
to bank receipts
coloured with bleach.
laugh at the language
of conquerers
now plying a bloc
within a plastic block,
building a rapunzel tower
to Heaven!
but better at the Apocalypse
of crusty humanity,
scarcely scraping by
in industrial strength stilettos,
oh so prettied
by Default.
Hi flushd. I really enjoyed reading your poem.
I am not qualified to offer any critique (I write poetry a bit, but I've never studied how it works or anything)
All I can suggest is that you don't change too much - especially the lines with....'industrial strength stilettos' and 'abortive derivative' in them.
Great wording - conjures up strong imagery. Makes you want to know more.
Peace,
E
Beautiful language. It sounds bitter, and sharp. I can't help but love the use of the clichés and little bits of society we take for granted. The imagery is small flashes of seemingly random things, like word association. This brought a confession to mind, to a psychiatrist more than a priest though.
My big gripe is that its message could use some more power, I think you go a little too vague and leave a lot of punch behind.
I like it but I agree with Dusty
Good language - and sharp definitely - but it doesn't quite pack the punch i think you're aiming for
thanks guys.
that was my feeling too, just needed an objective eye:)
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