Would you bail him out? (Update)

I don't know why you couldn't have given your wife a hug.

It's not her fault, do what the song says and Try a little tenderness.

It's always one thing after another so that's why I didn't give her a hug. I've been telling her for years that she has got to stop letting those boys keep her so upset. The step-son made the choice to go pick up his friend at midnight. The step-son made the choice to have all those drugs in his car. At some point you have to consider your own health in this. Do I spend my days worrying about things my kids are doing or do I take that stress off my back and let them figure things out for themselves? It's not like he was ill, in the hospital, or was in a car wreck. He got arrested again for doing something stupid. The kid has multiple mugshots and arrests over the years. By now you should be use to it.

Tenderness is one thing but if I keep giving her a shoulder to cry on then I'm no more better than her because I'm co-signing their behavior by always being the one she runs to so she can lay her head on my shoulder and rubbing her back saying, "everything will be alright honey." "What can we do to help?" If my daughter was constantly getting into trouble and getting arrested I would get to the point to where it would be common place and I wouldn't let it worry me as much. Yeah, I know I can't speak for my wife in this situation but just like I can't speak for her she shouldn't expect me to be so worried and concerned like she is either.

You could still give her a hug.

It was one thing after another for Odysseus and he turned out alright.

Why are you worried about the drugs?

The person he was with had a gun ffs.

Because my step-son is already a convicted felon and any little thing he does could send him away for a long time. He's been lucky enough to only have to serve a few days here and there but eventually he's going to get that one judge who is going to send him away for a few years. These weren't misdemeanor possession charges but felony possession charges. This kid's luck is going to run out sooner or later. And that will have a great impact on my wife. I'm trying to protect her. These boys don't care that what they're doing is affecting their mom.

Guns kill people, five years mandatory jail sentence for possessing one over here.

I thought ganga was legal over there.

Being kind to your wife, and being supportive is not mutually exclusive to believing her kids are stupidly screwing up their lives and deserve jail time, etc.

Don't withhold affection to try to make this sort of a point. It's ineffective at best, and mean-spirited at worst.

Only in a few places (Mass. and Colorado definitely, others just for medical purposes).

Well, as I said in your prior post, I agree with you about the boys. Still wouldn't hurt to give her a hug, like a commiseration hug. You can still hug and say no. Sometimes a little physical contact is very comforting. She knows you and that you won't bend on this so it's not like you are giving in by comforting her. JMO.

The thing is that my wife wants that loving affectionate hug and at this point I can't give her a loving and affectionate hug knowing that she's co-signing their behavior too. If little Johnny was ill and in the hospital, yes, you have my support. But if little Johnny got arrested AGAIN . . . . No, because by now you should know that little Johnny tends to make bad decisions and his decisions are what's keeping him in trouble. Both of these boys are following into the footsteps of their dad who is always constantly in legal trouble.

And here's another point. Since the youngest has been back here with us every day the wife is giving him her car to run around with all day long. He's keep it till about 6 PM when we strolls back into the house for his 7 PM curfew. He doesn't work and I think he may be making Grubhub deliveries to keep pocket change in his pocket. Let me tell you what's going to happen. The first time he wrecks her car or puts a scratch on it OR when something mechanically goes wrong with it she's going to look to me to fix it or get it to the shop. No one, and I do mean no one drives my SUV simply because no one else is insured on it but me and my wife. And she doesn't even drive it. So I'm not going to just hand over the keys to my car simply because I'm working from home and it's just sitting in the driveway. Her son isn't insured on our auto policy so if he wrecks it then chances are our insurance policy will deny any claim we present to them.

So because her children are in trouble with the police she deserves no sympathy.

Is there anything about her you like?

All you seem to do is complain about her and her kids.

And you seem quite cruel, not giving her a hug when she needs it, ridiculing her in front of your family.

Look, there comes a point with anyone to where you stop co-signing someone's stupidity. Her son's have past that mark for me. I'm not saying that my wife shouldn't have needed sympathy but when you know your kids keep messing up then you learn to deal and not look at everything as if it's the first thing. How many times are you going to to keep running downtown signing someone out of jail? How many times do you keep asking family members to help you out with bail promising to pay them back? I love my wife, trust me I do. But there comes a point to where enough is enough. Her boys don't know consequences because mommy won't let them.

You love your wife, just not enough to give her a hug.

I'm not saying my wife doesn't deserve sympathy but my patience is really wearing thin when it comes to these boys.

Parents support their children. My kids come first and any potential needs to know that.

Except you're taking it out on her.

Exactly, he can still set down laws about her kids behaviour when they're under his roof, refuse to pay out fines bail etc. and still hug his wife.

That's what I'm thinking. But I'm also thinking he's probably fed up with all their **** and her enabling of them. They've been together 20 years and he's watched her bail them out time and time again. I suspect he's not feeling too much love towards her at the moment. However, a hug doesn't take much. She's probably distressed and a little comfort goes a long way. I hope he reaches out to hug her after reading what everyone here has been saying.

UPDATE to the younger step-son:

Today was the first court date in regards to the restraining order. Of course the girl didn't show up so they dropped it. Now, he and the ex are together riding around town in the car they share. She is going to keep the car so she can work and save up money to get her own wheels in a few months. But in the meantime she will be driving him around so he can do Grubhub deliveries.

Does anyone else see a problem with this but me? She wants him back so she doesn't go to court so they can drop the restraining order. They drop the TRO and an hour after court they are now back together riding around town. I told the wife this is not going to go as smoothly as she or my step-son thinks. He doesn't want her back but just wants his car. She wants him back and is willing to give him the car but only after a few months. I'm sorry but if a girl I broke up with got me arrested and put a TRO on me and now I have to wear a ankle monitoring device because of it, and she's keeping the car that I had been making monthly payments on the last thing I'm going to do is be nice to her and hang out with her in order to get my car back. I'm going to let her keep the car. I'll call the finance company and explain the situation to them to have me removed from the loan, if that is an option, and I'm going to tell the ex to keep the car and shove it up her . . . Especially if she's telling me she'll give it back in a few months once she's done with it. I'm not going to take the chance that she won't completely destroy the car then give it back to me now that she's got a good one to drive. OR, the step-son is going play with this girl's feelings and emotions just to get the car back and I wouldn't doubt that they won't sleep together again at some point then she's going to be angry when he dumps her again after he gets the car back and that's going to open a whole new can of worms.

Am I the only one seeing the bigger problem here than just him playing the game till he gets his car back. This boy is going to play with this girl's head just to get his car back then when he dumps her again, she's going to want to go on the rampage again. Cut your losses and leave her alone. Let her have the car and move on. No, he'll only be thinking with his little head instead of the bigger one. But at this point I'm not sure which one it he bigger head.