Would you bail him out? (Update)

@Barry2021,

Curious ... Have you ever just sent her a note, a text or a message that jyst says I love you?

Have you ever just said out of no where I love you.

Or something similar ..not sending flowers, not a gift but just a few words like that...

You are very important to me....I care for you...in a sincere way with no buts or anything attached.

My husband did that yesterday...just sent a text that said I love you. No particular reason .... No special day ..just did that.

Like a hug .. Saying just a few words can be the world for someone.

She isn't that woman...she is your wife that sounds like she made really bad decisions about her sons...but she is your Wife .. You would think your heart would be breaking for her even if it is part of her own doing...

You can be upset...you can be frustrated but you can also love her and show her love.

What if your daughter did not turn herself around and got in trouble to the point she was going to jail...would you give her a hug and say I love you before they licked her up or just turn your back on her because you do not condone those actions?

You could hug her and say I love you while also letting her know she now has to pay the price for her actions.

There can be compassion shown while at the same time saying I'm sorry but your boys are trouble.

You can say I no longer want to discuss your sons .... It seems we disagree on them but I will love and care for you.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

Curious ... Have you ever just sent her a note, a text or a message that jyst says I love you?

Have you ever just said out of no where I love you.

Or something similar ..not sending flowers, not a gift but just a few words like that...

You are very important to me....I care for you...in a sincere way with no buts or anything attached.

My husband did that yesterday...just sent a text that said I love you. No particular reason .... No special day ..just did that.

Like a hug .. Saying just a few words can be the world for someone.

She isn't that woman...she is your wife that sounds like she made really bad decisions about her sons...but she is your Wife .. You would think your heart would be breaking for her even if it is part of her own doing...

You can be upset...you can be frustrated but you can also love her and show her love.

What if your daughter did not turn herself around and got in trouble to the point she was going to jail...would you give her a hug and say I love you before they licked her up or just turn your back on her because you do not condone those actions?

You could hug her and say I love you while also letting her know she now has to pay the price for her actions.

There can be compassion shown while at the same time saying I'm sorry but your boys are trouble.

You can say I no longer want to discuss your sons .... It seems we disagree on them but I will love and care for you.

Giving her hugs, sending her a text or note, or even send flowers. That doesn't stop her coddling her sons and bailing them out of every situation they get into. You can love someone who keeps making bad decisions but that doesn't mean you keep bailing them out or running to their defense because they call you. Yeah, give her a nice hug but what does that prove? "My husband is going to support me no matter what I do." There will come a point when your husband is going to stop supporting you.

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What are you getting those kids for Christmas? Just curious.

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@Barry2021,

Barry2021 wrote:

Yeah, give her a nice hug but what does that prove? "My husband is going to support me no matter what I do." There will come a point when your husband is going to stop supporting you.

It proves you're not ready to quit.

But you are -you're DONE. And that's ok, really. Divorce is common.

Look, in the past six months you've done nothing but justify your reasons to leave this marriage. You don't need our approval to do it. You make post after post after post, just trying to work through your head the actions you want to take. I'm not sure really what's holding you back, you're driving yourself nuts.

When will you have the courage to ask for a divorce? Do you really think your church Congregation is going to care or scorn you for some reason? Do you think your wife will melt down and collapse over the prospect of the marriage being over? Are you afraid of alimony?

Really, what ARE you hanging on to?

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

This ^

Because I bet dollars to doughnuts that the OP can't name 5 non-appearance-related positive things about his wife.

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@Barry2021,

What you are describing is conditional love ...not unconditional...you don't love your wife that is clear.

Agree with the above two posts..it is clear to me that you do not love your wife....that is fine but don't pretend let her and you as well find someone you can love.

What you write makes it seem that you reward her with showing caring and love IF she follows what you feel is correct behavior. Again this is not about her sons at it seems any behavior she has you do not like is treated the same way.

Love isn't a reward or a way to control someone's behavior. If you treat it as such then you do not really love her.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Linkat wrote:

What you are describing is conditional love ...not unconditional...you don't love your wife that is clear.

Agree with the above two posts..it is clear to me that you do not love your wife....that is fine but don't pretend let her and you as well find someone you can love.

What you write makes it seem that you reward her with showing caring and love IF she follows what you feel is correct behavior. Again this is not about her sons at it seems any behavior she has you do not like is treated the same way.

Love isn't a reward or a way to control someone's behavior. If you treat it as such then you do not really love her.

See the thing is that I do not believe in unconditional love between a husband and a wife. If that was the case divorce would not exist. A spouse would just overlook and forgive everything. I love my wife but do not have to tolerate her behavior. She's not raising men, she's coddling boys and as long as she continues to do that she will always have boys to deal with.

About a year ago my daughter called me to say that she parked her car in the wrong spot at her boyfriend's apartment and it was towed. She knew they had visitor spots but she chose not to park in one. When she told me I said to her, "well, keep me posted." I wasn't about to throw money her way just so she could get her car back. She had to figure things out on her own, which she did. We finally got the kids out of the house and my wife and I enjoy being here together with the occasional visit from one of the grandkids. Now we're having to uproot our entire life right now because those boys can't figure their own lives out.

When I was these kids age or shortly there abouts I was living at home and following all the household rules. Giving my parents money every week to help out at home. Following every house rule, again, that was my parent's house, not mine. When I was abut 26 years old my girlfriend I was dating at the time got pregnant so I moved out of my parents home and got us an apartment which we lived in until my daughter was born and was nearly a year old. We broke up shortly there after and I was eventually given full custody of my daughter which I've had ever since. There is a level of maturity these kids don't have these days and they just expect everyone to just do for them or just give them simply because they are young. Too much drinking and drug use. I've done my best to show them all right from wrong. They do not see me and their mother going out, partying, and getting drunk. The don't come visit us and we're stoned out of our minds. I will help you as long as I see you trying to help yourself. I'm not hard on them but I am firm with them. We weren't abusive parents but when they moved out and got their first taste of real freedom they (the boys) went overboard. They make these decisions but them run to us to bail them out when things don't go as they thought.

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"There is a level of maturity these kids don't have these days and they just expect everyone to just do for them or just give them simply because they are young. "

That's not every youth today... it's a function of how they were raised, and you know that as well as I do. Don't tarnish the whole generation with one brush. You know who is responsible. It's likely she was raised the same way.

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@Barry2021,

Since you won't divorce her, how long will you continue to rant about your wife before SHE kicks you to the curb?

A month? Six?

A Year? Never?

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@Barry2021,

So, you have been raising these children since the oldest was about 5 or 6?? Didn't you notice any discipline problems prior to this?

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"We finally got the kids out of the house and my wife and I enjoy being here together with the occasional visit from one of the grandkids. Now we're having to uproot our entire life right now because those boys can't figure their own lives out."

First of all, it's not really 'the occasional visit from one of the grandkids", is it? And your wife is not in favour, but you persist.

Secondly, how are you uprooting your 'entire life'? I take it stepson #2 is back with the crazy girlfriend so you no longer have him or the weed to deal with.

Please explain.

1 Reply

@glitterbag,

glitterbag wrote:

So, you have been raising these children since the oldest was about 5 or 6?? Didn't you notice any discipline problems prior to this?

Yes, especially with the older one. When he started getting out of line we tried a number of different methods to straighten him out. By the age of 16 he was already a convicted felon and felt like he could do what he wanted to. You can only do so much in raising them. After a while they tend to reject everything you tried to teach them because they feel they know better.

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@Mame,

Mame wrote:

"We finally got the kids out of the house and my wife and I enjoy being here together with the occasional visit from one of the grandkids. Now we're having to uproot our entire life right now because those boys can't figure their own lives out."

First of all, it's not really 'the occasional visit from one of the grandkids", is it? And your wife is not in favour, but you persist.

Secondly, how are you uprooting your 'entire life'? I take it stepson #2 is back with the crazy girlfriend so you no longer have him or the weed to deal with.

Please explain.

No, he's still with us. Even though she didn't go to court monday, they dropped the TRO. But he still has the ankle monitoring device on pending his trial which has not been set yet. See, him and the ex are still out riding around in the very car that she took from him and still refuses to give back to her but according to him, "we're not back together."

1 Reply

@Barry2021,

You didn't really address my main points, Barry.

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Would you bail him out? (Update)

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