COMFORTABLY NUMB

I think it is only on the rollercoaster that we are reminded we are alive.

Hungry? Nope... but I'm pretty sure my parents might have gone a day or two in order to keep us kids from going hungry.

Broke? Yeah... Homeless? Very close. For much of my life I didn't realize just how poor our family was. My parents were both teachers and once they had us kids (an older brother, me, younger sister) my mom stayed home to raise us while dad worked.

Then one year he got burned out and quit teaching. He floated from job to job, sometimes starting his own business, but nothing ever worked out for long. Mom had to go back to work to get money to pay the bills and to keep us from losing the house and put food on the table.

My brother and I were home schooled for a few years during that time, so my grandparents would come by and help out while mom was at work. Us kids never really knew the whole situation but for a few years there we were pretty close to losing everything.

Mom did a fantastic job of hiding the reality of things from us. It didn't really catch up with me until I wanted to go to college and didn't have the money to go. She made to much money to get any sort of help but was to far in debt to be able to help. Our whole life mom instilled in us the importance of having a good work ethic. I got a job. I saved money. I took out loans. While most of my friends were out partying I was working just to pay for tuition and rent for next month... I'll be working for many more years just to pay off the student loan debt I aquired over the years.

Lonely? Never. My family has been and always will be there for me... plus I married the most fantastic woman on the face of the earth. How could one ever be lonely with people like that... no matter how physically far away they actually are.

Thanks to my mom I wouldn't say I have had a hard life, but I have had to work very hard for what I do have. I never really got into drugs or drinking. I never got into to much trouble. In many ways I am proud of my situation. Sure at times I was envious of kids who drove nice cars and had school and everything else paid for them but there is something to be said for doing it all myself.

My wife is the same way. She worked 2 jobs and got straight A's all through school. Her last year, after they raised tution once again, she went to the financial aid office looking for any kind of help. They told her they wouldn't be able to help her out... but if she had a dependent they would be able to get her schooling paid for. Instead she got another loan and another job... her last semester she ended up with one B with ruined her chances for summa cum laude by one one-hundreth of a point.

Your mother is one strong lady, jp. So is your wife. You are indeed fortunate.

Thanks for the offer of a hug, Setanta. Think I'll have one now, in fact. Remember the old saw, "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment..." (or something like that.) We've all gotten ourselves into bad situations. It isn't difficult to do. But that's not what must define us. It's the getting-out that truly shows what we're made of. That's why I said I admire you. And I do.

Diagknowz, don't be afraid of marriage. It can be wonderful. Most people are not made to live alone. The trick is finding a good person. That's harder to do when you're young and don't have a lot of experience with people. Thanks for the sympathy. I sure could've used it back then!

Edgar...I believe you're right. A certain mindset is needed. I, for one, never believed for a minute that my situation would be permanent. I always intended to get out of there and to a better place as soon as I could. And so I did. I don't really know where that hope came from. Perhaps it came from a fairly solid upbringing, perhaps simply from arrogance. Hard to say. But it has served me well.

And shewolf...once you have ridden the rollercoaster enough times, the feeling doesn't go away. I feel alive every day. I don't need the constant ups and downs to remind me.

I grew up quite comfortably. My father was a career army to Korea (sergeant major) Then he was offered a n executive job with a railroad company. Money was never an issue and I was an only child with pretty much carte blanche to do as I wished (and a healthy allowance with which to do it) I separated myself freom family for a number of years while finishing college, got married (unsuccessfully) and tried being a chemist . Iwound up hanging with a wrong crowd and became , pretty much what my father said, a highly educated bum.

I spent time between biker buds and my uncle Stash who was a geologist in NM. I worked on a MS in chemistry at Tulane and then got the running shits of it. I worked in the oil patch as a chemist and then sarted to see the light, so I followed the geo dream and worked and went to school and went as high as possible academically.
Now, the loneliness came in as I missed my family and what an A*hole I was. Started down the road of alcoholism for some reason that no longer makes sense. Made up with my family and (although a heavy drinker) managed to teach a full load and still do mine consulting and i claim stakes.
I worked in the jungles and highlands of Nigeria and there, got caught up in a number of fire fights from rebels . My crew was mostly wounded or killed around me and I only managed to get 4 guys out (5 counting me) I had my dozer driver killed in mid sentense and His raising the dozer blade saved my life. We all crowded into the dozer box and hid out for about 7 days. Till we could safely drive backwards to safety. We had rebels all over so , not only were we hungry, we were crapping our pants and basically fouling ourselves so we wouldnt give away our location. How we made it, Ill never know. The rebels were probably offended by the dead body on the tracks. Needless to say, by the end of the days, we were dehydrated, starving and gagging from the smells. We took our dead crewman and wrapped him in a tarp and started up the dozer and drove backwards in H R I could get it up to about 15 mph and the rebels couldn quite keep up. They fired and I got a little hit and we got blasted (for which I carry around a pretty much useless hand except for pickin and hitting certain keys on the computer)
I think thirsty was the feeling that I recall the most. Itws easily 100 degrees F and it was sweltering with little shade. Even night was like a hot steamy oven.

A snake came in the box while we hid and it was a venomous one. One of the crew dispatched it without a sound. Imagine about 7 days lying in your own hot filth with a dead body within 10 feet.

We got back and buried our man. Ive been back once and have met the few of us that were of that crew.
I returned home a different guy (still drinking though) I paid lots of attention to others and started to get more involved with my own family again. I was happily there for my father and my big hug and I was at my moms bedside when she died. My dad and I went to many weird places together as buddies before he died. Im glad I got to know him and to see how much Im like him. Met my soul mate and married, all the rest is a blurof mostly happiness with some sadness thrown in.

Im one of those who prefers my own company(and the kids) and dont run far for a party. If I have a social date that involves more than 10 people, I get somehow hypersensitive. Im almost autistic, I dont like gratuitous touchy-feely crap.

Iwas never "Hungry" butI ws starving

Whoa. You're lucky to be alive, fella.

I'd give you a hug, but you probably wouldn't like that.

Life is good, isn't it.

<I've always admired the hell out of you, farmer, whether you like it or not...>

Farmerman
Hey Farm Boy, I always knew there was something I liked about you.

Experiences such as yours really shake up your brain---before it is too late. Be thankful it happened when you were young enough to benefit in the kind of future decisions you made.

Congrats on making the right choices.

BBB

This is a great thread. So many personal histories being shared. Thanks to all for letting us in to your lives.

A comment on what you do with your life...

I've talked about how my childhood was pretty miserable but I've been blessed as an adult. I worked hard and got some lucky breaks. I'm truly content with my life now.

However, I've never understood my sister. She was just above me in birth order and resented me a great deal. She still harbors resentment that I was ever born. Maybe I somehow transplanted her as the baby of the family, or she saw me eating her food, but I think it's more because she is like my father in temperament. We both came out of the same gene pool and childhood environment but it must be the different mix that caused her to be so bitter. She's never made much of her life and is still waiting for the world to pay her her due. I agree totally with those who have said it's what you do with your experience and how you learn from it that matters.

I started throwing loose change in a jar when I was in college. There wasn't a lot of loose change but little by little the jar began to fill. Over the course of a year I had collected quite a bit of change. I counted it one day and was surprised to count exactly $100. I sealed up the jar and put it away in a closet. That was 32 years ago. I still have the jar and it's still sealed with the same $100. I don't think about it very often but I suppose saving that jar all these years is my way of ensuring myself that I'll never be broke again.

Again, thank you to all those who have shared their stories. This is a fascinating thread.

Wow, this thread is incredibly inspirational. I'm going to read some of this stuff the next time I get upset about my little problems.

Puts things in perspective to hear the stories of people who have persevered through much more difficult situations than you yourself have had to go through...

I agree kicky. This is the most touching thread I've ever
read. I am certain it was very difficult for all of you to expose your vulnerability to us, to tell your story of hardship
and pain. My heart goes out to all of you and I admire
your courage and your determination to overcome
such obstacles and emerge as a clear winner.

Kudos to all of you!

(I knew farmerman was special, after I had read his
christmas story)

There are so many words of wisdom on this thread. Soz was spot on with her comment that some people tend to make a contest out of their hardships--they never seem to grow up and accept life as life, regardless of circumstances.

It did take me many years find a way out of the constant fear I experienced as a child and the anger I felt became like a cancer. It was consuming me and draining me of life. It seemed to make up for feeling used, less than human. Isn't it strange how anger can become addictive? It instills a false sense of power when one is totally helpless. When I finally realized that I had been hating a dead man for more than twenty years, futilely trying to hurt him as I had been hurt, I was able to start to trust and to come out of my shell.

I've often wished that Dys and I had known each other all our lives, but there is no way i could have opened up enough to allow so much love into my heart. So, I'm an old lady, but I feel more alive than ever before in my life.

All of the posters have been an inspiration and, as someone said, Margo?, it helps knowing that others have had dysfunctional families and that we struggled to become comfortable in our own skin. It is only then that we can begin to really care about ourselves and others and to truly live.

Osso, yes, conversations with one's self are probably as important as seeing a therapist. Pep talks, even practicing in front of a mirror, are remarkably effective. There are many tools that help us keep hold of sanity for long enough to build up a reserve so that we can finally feel sane again----um, not totally sane, but at least at least comfortably crazy... :wink:

Hmm. Comfortably crazy. I like that.

Not that it describes ME, of course...but the rest of you are definitely nuts.

woop woop woop woop, Hey Moe!!

Yeppers, that's me.

One of my friends and I were describing what goes into a true friendship. Being a little nuts, a little crazy, came high on the list of favorable charateristics. Normal people are very nice and mke lovely friends, but they really can't identify with people like my friend and I.

Hey Larry! Who's on first?

shewolf. eva. Edgar, farmer, Diane, set and others - you are all incredible.


me?

Hunger - no, like some of the others it may have been eating cheap stuff or what was left in the cupboards at times but never true deprivation or hunger.

lonely - yes, my father was in the RAF and we moved about, as a child I'd have to make new friends (I was very shy), start a new school, leave everything I knew and loved. We lived in small communities so there wasn't always anyone my own age, or if there was, we were friends simply because we were the only kids that age rather than having a great deal in common. Travelling 16 miles to school (and no transport other than the school bus) meant that schoolfriends couldn't be seen out of school time. Some places I hated with a passion - which doesn't make you popular with the locals!

broke - never well off financially, but never desperate ....yet <fingers crossed>.

close (small) family, my father was strict but it was protective not unkind. I had to be in earlier than any of my friends, go to bed earlier (sneak books up to read), button my coat up to the neck, scarf tucked in, before going out (...round the corner and unbutton it, scarf flying in the wind like my friends!)etc etc etc I was warm, well fed. had books etc but not frivolous toys. I had a very easy life compared with stories here.

I gained a lot from living in different communities and countries though my education sometimes suffered - like the school in Scotland where the Rector (headmaster) told my parents he 'hated the English and the RAF in that orrrder' and refused to let me study any science at all if I wanted to study art and because I was doing art made me take cookery instead of German (I was good at French at the time and wanted to take German and HATED cookery with a vengeance! being made to bake fish custard is still burned in my memory - fish custard even my economically minded mother balked at that and fed it to the seagulls)

it didn't always feel like it but I realise i was very lucky

Great post, Vivien. Not that you weren't naturally creative (well, that's another whole subject, I think all of us are - that's one of my arguments with my business partner - I think creativity is just not unleashed) but your background fostered that kind of exploration... mine was sort of similar, so I may be putting that on yours.

Ugh! Fish custard is enough to bring on the gag reflex. What a sadistic old sour puss. Hooray for your mother's response.

Fish custard?!?!? Just hearing about that is cruel and unusual punishment!

But.....<thinking>

Now that you know how to make it, could you send some over to Gus? I bet he'd love it.

I dunno, I've liked fish quenelles... I guess it depends..

yes Osso. I agree, I think we all have potential for creativity in different ways - one friend doesn't appreciate that she has a real flair for interior design - not in a trendy way but just in creating a warm welcoming place that you love to be in. She's also a genius at fancy dress costumes for kids, she doesn't think she's talented

One thing my students always say a few weeks into starting a course with me is that they now see things so much more. They notice the subtle range of colours in a grey sky and reflections of colour in nearby objects etc - everyone is so busy flying here and there that they don't really notice the world.

and yes, I always had paints, paper and crayons and spent many hours drawing and reading so I probably did come to art through a similar route.

thankfully the memory of how to make the fish custard was deleted, as soon as the gulls ate it! sorry Gus will have to go without, though I'm sure he and the capybaras would have loved it - or are they vegetarians?