https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/americans-mystified-why-nonessential
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the government shutdown drags on into its thirteenth day, Americans have become baffled as to why a totally nonessential federal employee still has his job.
Unlike thousands of workers at agencies like EPA and HUD who have been furloughed, the still-employed man serves no identifiable function, Americans noted.
In fact, a review of activities performed by him in 2025 yields only three: sending co-workers home on an extended vacation, refusing to swear in a new co-worker, and praying for the Rapture.
But in a testy exchange with reporters on Monday, the nonessential employee vehemently rejected the widespread claims of his abject uselessness, declaring, “I have been working around the clock protecting pedophiles.”
