Cheating up

Hello,
Well I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year with an amazing guy, we even started living together together the past few months and we do love each other a lot. I cannot imagine my life without him. Lately, we haven’t been having sex a lot, he isn’t into it. I couldn’t control myself and started talking to guys on Grindr, I met one and hooked up together and my boyfriend saw all our texts, it hurt him a lot to the point he won’t stop crying and it made me feel bad and wanna kill myself, the thing is that I’m still thinking about doing it again, I hate myself a lot I feel like I’m divided into two parts, one that is craving for sex and one that will torture me for cheating up. I’m lost