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Why does my wife refuse to make a promise to me?

 
 
BW65SSC
 
Wed 1 Jan, 2020 06:07 pm
We've been married 23 years,have 3 kids,and have had a pretty good marriage. I old my wife the other day,while we were in bed,discussing a friend's marriage that has broken up,that I promise her that I will always love her and would never leave her.
When I asked if she'd promise me the same her reply was that my request was "Silly".
When I asked again,telling her I'd like to hear the same as I told her,she said "I don't make promises like that" and added " because promises are meant to be broken.
I've been faithful to her since the day we met. I think that she may have cheated on me,once, several years ago but I don't have concrete proof of it.
Am I fooling myself?
We've rarely fought over the years and she's acting confused and annoyed as to why I would feel offended that she won't make that promise in return.
I love her very much.
But I feel I am in a one way marriage.
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 586 • Replies: 15
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roger
 
  2  
Wed 1 Jan, 2020 08:26 pm
@BW65SSC,
Promises are not made to be broken, but how can someone promise to always love someone. They can promise to never leave, and that's about all you can promise.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Thu 2 Jan, 2020 10:52 am
@BW65SSC,
What, exactly, are you looking for her to say? And mostly, what are YOU saying? If your proclamation of devotion and enduring love was your aim, I'd say it fell as flat as your intentions.

What makes your marriage a "good" one when you bring up possible cheating and a "one way" marriage?

BW65SSC
 
  2  
Thu 2 Jan, 2020 06:06 pm
@roger,
After almost 25 years of devotion I was just hoping my promise would be matched. I guess we live in an age where love is transportable from relationship to relationship. I don't view love, or marriage, that way.
BW65SSC
 
  2  
Thu 2 Jan, 2020 06:07 pm
@neptuneblue,
We've made it through all of that. I was hoping that she felt about me the way I feel about her. I guess I was wrong. Seems most people don't believe love can be kept as a promise when it's the greatest commandment we have.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Thu 2 Jan, 2020 07:06 pm
@BW65SSC,
1. 23 years is an awfully long time to be married to one person. Vows made 23 years ago are pretty meaningless, no matter how sacred they were. You were two different people then.

2. You have every right to end the marriage if your partner isn't giving you what you need from the marriage. It sounds like emotional/romantic commitment is important to you. The only important question is what you and she want your marriage to be now.

3. You can't force someone to feel love. If she isn't feeling it, then sorry... that's life. If you could demand love, it wouldn't be love (love has to be something voluntary or it is meaningless).

4. You should consider the possibility that maybe she still loves you and is committed to the relationship, but just doesn't want to express it in the way you are demanding. If this is the case, you should express what you need and see if you can work it out.

5. You should consider the possibility that maybe she is no longer the right woman for you.

My advice is to go for therapy. If your wife is willing, you could try couples therapy (and I would tell her that it is very important to you). If your wife isn't willing then go yourself. The fact that you are feeling this way means that your marriage is not working right now. You should figure out how to get to a better place.

I am divorced after a marriage that went wonderfully until it didn't. Divorce was definitely the right choice for me. What I learned from my divorce is that my feelings, my wants and my needs are important. When I realized that my partner wasn't meeting my needs (nor I hers) then I knew it was time for me to move on.

There is no way to fix a marriage unless both partners value it enough to make it work.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 02:53 am
@BW65SSC,
Don't panic, I've been married to the same man for 40 years 11 months....We still enjoy discussing everything with each other....I can't imagine ever living with anyone else......Get counseling, maybe your wife was offended by your question (I don't know, sometimes people just feel awkward). Just don't decide she doesn't feel the same way you do....she may have just felt offended that you needed her to say she 'would always'. maybe she will 'always', and thought you didn't need to ask......Do you understand what I'm saying?
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 07:03 am
@BW65SSC,
You're being very cryptic and self dealing here. You've labeled this thread as "adultery" yet provide no insight, suspicion or motive for her to have cheated on you. Then you get esoteric where your love is the ONLY thing that matters.

Well, hate to break it to you but that's one of the most manipulative and childish views someone can have about marriage. Your wife didn't buy into that crap and neither am I.

So, I'll ask you again, what is going on with you that you've taken a simple conversation and turned it into a massive breach of trust from your wife?
BW65SSC
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 08:10 am
@maxdancona,
Thank you.
BW65SSC
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 08:18 am
@neptuneblue,
Several years ago my wife claimed to have been "carjacked" by two women that "forced" her to take $2,000 out of our savings account and give it to them. After an investigation the detective called me and asked me to stop by his office. He said there was no evidence that my wife's story was true. No video proof, no signs of distress when she went up to the teller desk, and that he frankly didn't believe that she was telling the truth. He said that two other married women in our area had been blackmailed by some guy, for you guessed it $2,000, after his accomplice had filmed them having sex in a local motel room. He said they had no reason to press charges against my wife as it seemed she was only trying to conceal her embarassment. He said that if i could get her to see him again, and be more truthful, that he was sure it would help as these guys were going up and down the east coast apparently pulling this scam. She got angry and said she was telling the truth and i dropped the subject. That's why I suspect her heart may be somewhere else. She's even mentioned once or twice, during small spats, that a lot of other men would be happy if she was single.
Is that not cryptic?
And it's not "childish" to expect commitment from your spouse-it's the essence of love and marriage back before multiple relationship lives became the norm.
BW65SSC
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 08:35 am
@BW65SSC,
I don't want to make this seem like she's a chronic adulterer. I suspect once. We were going through issues at home at the time with our older son using drugs and doing very poorly in school that we made it through. I was probably a mess at the time myself, not knowing how to deal with him, and I must have been distant to her and my other kids as well during that time. She's not the type of person that would do that serially I am certain and much of the fault may have been mine. We've had many more happy times than sad or troubled ones.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 10:22 am
@BW65SSC,
I'd concentrate on the many more happy times.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 12:39 pm
@BW65SSC,
Somehow, all this rings hollow to me. A bank's fraud procedures are quite clear in which a police report is mandatory in order to refund the fraud amount back into an account. You claim the investigation netted no fraud yet no charges were brought either by the bank or the local police department. That isn't standard protocol nor is an investigator calling a spouse and having a meeting without the "victim" present.

If my spouse came to me with that story, there is absolutely no way would I just let that go. $2K missing? And you just wrote that off?
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 11:42 pm
I give up. What is an incel?

I'll probably be sorry I asked.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 11:44 pm
@roger,
It is short for involuntary celibacy... a rather nasty insult (usually directed at a man) suggesting someone who is unable to get laid.

Recently it has served as Neptune's and Glitterbag's nasty insult of choice.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
  Selected Answer
 
  2  
Fri 3 Jan, 2020 11:53 pm
@roger,
I'll send you a PM
0 Replies
 
 

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