First Ever Global Poll of How the World Sees the World

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Universe Daily
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New poll shows Earthling image tarnished; galaxy unconcerned with planet's impending negation

Flix Muuhamby
Earth

Earthlings are considered "rather disgusting", "shifty", "unintelligable" and "arrogant", a new Milky Way-wide survey shows - if Beings are familiar with them at all.

Splarge/VS yesterday published a new edition of its extensive series of surveys investigating the image of various planets' inhabitants across the galaxies. In its new poll on the standing of Earthlings, it finds their brand recognition value markedly weak, and its associative sequence yield mostly focused on the negative.

"Earthlings, our research shows, tend to think of themselves as one of the most intelligent mankinds around", observes Splarge/VS executive consultant Plyfghrty Brandon, "but in reality, few other planetary populations have heard of them - and those that have, don't think much of them".

This may at least in part be due to a relatively deficient distributional recognition axis. Since earthlings have still, perhaps significantly, failed to invent the means of travelling further than their own rather outlying solar system, they've had few opportunities to acquaint others with them personally. Impressions are thus almost exclusively formed by what was reported back by residents of other planets from their occasional travels to the planet.

"Only a few maglactial's worth of explorers have actually visited Earth", says Boodleborg Breest, a Professor of Interplanetary Relations who recently authored "Martians are male, Venusians are female", a reflection on the role of gender in interplanetary co-existence. "And since most of them were not actually recognized by the Earthlings as living beings, let alone beings of higher intelligence, they tend to have had a rough reception."

Breest points to the example of the Vresutian who had a particularly unpleasant time on Earth as, Vresutians looking distinctly like what Earthlings call "footballs", he was quite literally kicked around a lot. George Magyar III, a Bekkelbitian of Earthling descent, agrees. "I went to Earth to look for my roots", he says, "but they never even saw me. They were actually really rather rude."

An additional problem for Earthling image has been that a sizable proportion of the interplanetary explorers who did report on visits to Earth were Venusians, who have traditionally had a fraught relationship with their dominant, but less intelligent neighbours. "Venusians in particular have authored many an uncomplimentary travel report, which cant always be taken as necessarily objective reflections of Earth reality", Breest warns. Some of them have been shown to be fakes altogether. Paraphrasing a locally famous line from one of the better works of Earthling's primitive-incipient literature, Breest smilingly notes, "Hell hath no fury like a Venusian scorned."

Nevertheless the survey's results are clearly damning, and might well do further damage to already weak Earthling prestige. "Earthlings score particularly high on negative parameters like revolting appearance, primitive communication skills and lacking understanding of other populations", Brandon notes. "Their lacking command of other planetary languages and clear ignorance of galaxical geography makes them appear arrogant and rude. Their strong sense of pride and achievements, which by other planets' standards will appear overblown in proportion to the rather modest actual technological and cultural progress of the planet, compounds this effect."

Yet strategic issues are in play. Though few galactic citizens will notice or care, the proposed "negation" of the solar system that Earth is in will mean the end of a history, culture and identity all of its own. "If Earthlings were better regarded intergalactically, there might have been a chance of a common action to save the Earthling population", Prtakr 5/03 of the action group "Planets together" speculates.

"Through our long-standing campaign against negation, we have already obtained the guarantee from the Authority that Mars and its population will be relocated to a safe area near the Pripitus system. But we simply havent found a similar kind of grassroots engagement when it comes to the Earthlings. Beings don't know them, and if they know them, they dont like them. Faced with such a groundswell of apathy there simply isnt much we can do. The survey was our last hope; a more positive results would have given us at least one argument to work with."

No Earthlings could be reached to comment on the report's findings.


Copies of the entire Splarge/VS survey series are available through doopmex at the Universe Daily spot.

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