Ouchies
Ok i don't like to be technical about something that is obviously quite raw but here goes:
Quote:I'm sick of these days all alone
I'm sick of these emotions so sad and afraid.
I'm sick of this music it's so sad.
Personally i don't like the use of the same word in consecutive lines. It makes the emotion feel quite bland. Maybe find a different word for sad - or just a different way to express it?
Quote:I recall those time's i'd scream and laugh.
But now all I do is cry and lie.
At first read i perceived these two lines as happy vs sad. But at a closer look.... well scream isn't happy and lying isn't necessarily an indication of sorrow so i don't really know what to make of it.
Quote:My life has become more and more quiet.
My voice is all but forgotten.
I wish to leave this mirror.
The first line isn't so strong. I'd change it to something like "My life has faded to silence". The other two lines i really like - especially the mirror one!!
Quote:I hate myself so much for caring about what they think.
I hate myself when I turn my cheek to you.
I hate when you lie, I hate when you cry.
I hate the time's i'm alone.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
These lines feel like they're trying to be explicit, without actually managing it. Especially "i hate you when you like, i hate you when you cry". It just reminds me of that poem in
Not Another Teen Movie with a line something like "I love it when Janey walks, I love it when Janey talks"
Quote:But most of all I hate those who make me this way.
You don't know the subtle way's you get under my skin
your laugh, your smile. Your arragence.
You're belief's, you're everything.
This is
much better. It's detracted from a little by your SPaG:
(You don't know the subtle
ways you get under my skin
your laugh, your smile. Your
arrogance.
Your beliefs,
your everything)
But it gives a good sense of mounting tension
Quote:I think I hate you, but I know I need you.
If I didn't have you, i'd be dead.
If I didn't crave you, i'd begin again.
And now we get to the heart of the problem. Good section. And the last line is damn cool!!
Quote:I know this poem mean's nothing.
It's all a lie.
I want to start over, and not cry.
You know i'm fake.
This is so wrong.
Meh it's a bit bland
Quote:I lied in every line, and cried for being so spiteful in it.
I want to run and hide this make's me fear your rash hate.
The word's I write and the word's I feel are so different.
LOVE the first line.
Not so sure about the second
words has no apostrophe... but it's a nice way to end
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