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Sat 14 May, 2005 02:48 pm
Rip my heart out,
the pain in unbearable.
The night's I cryed
aren't worth a second of your time.
The life i've led seems to backwards,
spinning in and out, like a top of doom.
The time's we've had don't come close to every tear I shed.
You've betrayed me,
I've betrayed you.
We have begun the cycle,
I will end it.
This game, it seems fun,
but comes as a no suprise it will end so bad.
My heart is broken, as is your's, but thats what you get
when you mess with fate.
So the game goes on, one more heart, one more break.
One more night alone in my wake
Have a hug and a prayer
That tore at my heartstrings just a little - sounds like it comes from somewhere deep
I could suggest ways to string it out and build the emotion.... but it feels so raw right now i think it kinda works that way
TJ; As an artist you have every right to twist the language as you see fit, especially so in an expressive poem. But you really should have reasons for your linguistic lapses.
I can't understand your use of the apostrophe. Did you use spell check? You may always override the checker, but it helps to know if perhaps you should have cried instead of cryed.
Your poem sounds good when read aloud. Try to make it so the reader will be faithful to your meaning.
I did, but I must have missed some things, I don't pay close attention anymore...
Could be early Alzheimers. the first thing that happens is . . . ER . . . Where was I?
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