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Fri 13 May, 2005 11:25 pm
There was this song
it starts and ends the same.
It's about a boy who loves a girl.
They were so close yet so far.
He waited forever just to see a passing glance.
Crying eyes, and open wounds.
The days grow so long and the minutes never stop.
He longed for time to pass to be with you.
Time is in a stand still, and he hate's it so.
If only he wish to see you and crave your touch...
Waking terror, and cold sweats.
They woke this morning without each others touch.
He woke this morning, alone and scared.
He needed Her to be there when he awoke.
When he's scared. When he's all alone.
He needed her to tell him she loved him.
But most of all he needed her to believe in him
I like this too... I prefer the first 2 verses though
The line "they woke this morning without your touch" confuses me slightly. I assumed when you started talking to the reader that they were one of the partnership. If they're not, then how do they figure in the equation?!
I also think the middle few lines of that stanza get a little repetitive
I got a little confused when you begin with the first person I, and then continue with pronouns. I think the poem has potential. As it is, I find it wordy. You could trim a word or two here and there.
A good book to read (if you have the time) is: "Write Tight" by William Brohaugh.
It will teach you how to keep your writing sharp, focused, and concise.
The first three lines of the poem flowed smoothly.
AE
Yeah, well see it all flowed in first person for a while, but it got changed.. cause I changed the middle to 3rd person, but the 1st stanza was still 1st person... and my friend told me to rewrite all in 3rd, and it looked shitty... I'm gonna change the whole major screw up in the middle later. Thanks all the sames
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