Original song

Any comments?

Please somebody give their opinion!

Okay okay keep your panties on!!

Right i'm gonna assume that this is to be sung not recited (from the fact you have a named "chorus") so i'll ignore the fact that you've gotta fiddle a bit to make it fit a rhythm scheme. It's possible if you give yourself a steady pulse, but it's really not that regular and the jump from uber-fast line 2 to uber-slow line 3 is slightly awkward

Okay having bashed your structure a bit let's take a look at what you're actually saying.

The last line of the first verse sounds v cliche to me, and i think you've just put in the first thing that fits the rhyme - unfortunately 75% of the time the first thing you think of WILL be a cliche in this kind of song

Although i like the idea of

Aesthetically it's not quite right - it doesn't make sense for one thing.

I do like the last 2 lines of the 2nd verse though - it's a nice image. It reminds me of Seether ft Amy Lee's Broken



The one way street is a good metaphor, but once again feels like you're just fitting it in, because there is no build up to it. Keep that last bit, but right yourself a bridge to build up to it

I think you've got some good stuff, and how good this song turns out to be depends largely on what kind of song it is. If it's chic-pop then sure go with it. If it's meant to be something heavier: rock, metal, even indie... then i would say keep writing because it FEELS like a pop love song

I hope that helps, feel free to ignore me: i'm only saying what i feel, i'm not a real critic

Thanks. Anyone else?

There is nothing about the lyrics that make this song special. The subject matter is very cliche and sounds like a thousand other songs of this era.

But as many times as you will hear lyrics equated to poetry, they certainly are not equal beasts...and as you can see from the media, it's completely unneccessary to have your lyrics stand up as any kind of quality poem.

It's really more a matter of how the words are sung, and what tune they're sung to. So, I can't really say if this is a good song or a bad song...because it all depends on the singer.

oops