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My First Attempt at a Sonnet

 
 
Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 09:07 am
Well I realize it doesn't follow all of the rules but this was my first attempt at writing a Shakespearean sonnet.

Bring Me

Bring me T'morrow on a silver platter,
Serve it to me wearing a snow white glove,
With wine and white lies; me, you will flatter,
Start the merry day with a pray'r above,
Clean the table cloths, yes clean them again,
Yes do all of this, all of this and then,

Bring me a fair lady in a white gown,
Bring, yes bring me true love pure as a dove,
Throw my past in the ground, lets throw it down,
Hide it all, give it a powerful shove,
Now go roll out the crimson red carpet,
Give me a gold'n throne in which I can sit.

Oh bring bring me eternal happiness,
Serve it day after day; night after night,
And never will I accept any less,
Shield my eyes from any sorrowful sight,
Please give me no reason to ever mourn,
Joy is all that I will ever adorn.

Lead me to the fountain of youth I say,
Eternal youth, yes and, growing wisdom,
Never do I want to meet that last day,
Mister Reaper for me you will ne'er come,
Save a trip; Save your never ending time,
Tell me, is one thing I desire a crime?

Bring me my dreams plated in platinum,
Platinum, gold, and other fine metals,
Drown me in them until my lusts are numb,
Pack them, protect them with flower petals,
Complete my every menial task,
Gleefully do everything I ask.

While reading these outrageous demands,
While reading them did you find them insane,
Wouldn't you rather count the beachs' sands,
And these wishes are but a single grain,
It seems everyone expects these things,
Everyone of us human beings.
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Bekaboo
 
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Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 09:38 am
Ok i just read the first line and it has 11 syllables!!! Black marks!! ... the apostrophe in tomorrow doesn't work - you can't say that as 2 syllables... and if u do then it screws up your iambic meter anyway

On the plus side you've got the shakespearean rhyme scheme...

Technically it's pretty sound... but i'm not so fond of how it's written. It needs the last verse to be complete and i think that's the worst written. I think you've chosen the wrong style for the message you're trying to convey
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edgarblythe
 
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Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 09:50 am
BM
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parados
 
  1  
Reply Sun 1 May, 2005 10:20 am
A sonnet is 14 lines. This wouldn't be considered a sonnet.

This is nice enough poetry using quatrains and rhyming couplets. You used some good visuals.

Poetry should have a rhythm when read out loud. It should fall "trippingly off the tongue." Shakespeare used iambic pentameter which isn't a requirement for poetry but should be used if you are attempting to imitate him. It needs the unaccented - accented syllables to get the right rhythm. Simply having 10 syllables isn't enough. Shakespeare had to cheat sometimes and put 11 in so it isn't absolute. Read the following lines out loud and see if you see a difference in cadence.

The time has come to end the game we play

We are ending the game we play right now.

Both have 10 syllables but the first one should fall more easily into the da DUM da DUM cadence of iambic pentameter.

Sonnets themselves are great little poems but difficult to write because of the constrictions of their form. The rhyming pattern is set and the poem needs to follow a pattern of setting itself up and then shifting tone to bring it to conclusion. I found this explanation of sonnet here. http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/sonnet.htm
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