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Sat 30 Apr, 2005 12:45 pm
This poem is about all the things you look back on and say "what if" or "maybe if I" etc. All of those things you just look back on in regret or remorse wondering what would happen if you had of done it instead of asked what if or maybe...
What Ifs & Maybes
The pendulum swings,
The emptiness in his right ear rings,
As his imagination grows wings,
Thinking of what ifs and maybes,
His hands sweat as they freeze,
Seeing men as walking trees,
Darkness now falls from the sky,
As a real man begins to cry,
As a heart begins to break,
A tear turns to an emotional earthquake,
Past memories eat away,
Consuming him day by day,
Dying his hair now to a gray,
Clouding his eyes,
Smiling as he dies,
Fathering his lies,
Deranging his face,
Slowing his pace,
The what ifs and maybes have no grace.
I think this poem is pretty much unreadable in this form, simply due to the rhyming schema you have chosen.
Instead of the rhymes letting the reader feel the flow of your words (as they are usually intended to do), they become extremely agitating!
Maybe try rewriting the poem using a more regular poetic form (which still uses rhyming)?
I disagree
I think this style can work and in this case does
The shortening phrases with the same rhyme create a sense of urgency
Mismatched rhythm can work, I think; but you have to be careful not to overdo it. I like to read where I have some idea what to expect. That being said, take this couplet as an example:
Quote:As a heart begins to break,
A tear turns to an emotional earthquake,
The second line is really loaded with syllables, don't you think?
And the sense stress, especially on the final syllables is quite grating.
I've tried rewriting with break/earthquake and have yet to find a solution.
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