The importance of Small Talk

What I hate is other people's work small talk!!!!!

Aarrrrrghhhh!!!!!

A lot of my friends used to work in trade unions, or in peak industrial bodies, or as industrial advocates or judges.

They could go on for hours and hours - absolutely excluding those of us who did not work in that arena. I mean, it IS interesting - for the first couple of hours.

I talk shop, too - it is fascinating - but only with "shop" friends. And the folk in my line of work that I am friends with have the social grace not to blather on in the company of folk not in our field.

Fortunately, a lot of the union folk have moved on to other areas - at least a criical mass of them seem to have - that and I whinged about it - and fought to introduce otheer topics.

Unfortunately, small talk is a good survivial skill-- especially when you are on the job and you must find some common ground with those you work with.

I believe there are some distinctions though-- while small talk is often tedious, it certainly comes in handy when you are in unfamiliar surroundings, for example, when traveling. The generosity of strangers often hinges on your ability to have small and fleeting conversations. This kind of chat can change the course of your travels, albeit in increments, but nonetheless, the very smallness of the interaction makes for pleasant, hassle-free encounters; getting directions, talk about weather patterns, where the best places are to vist, etc.

I like the "survival skill" metphor. It's a bit like feeling your way through
a dark and unfamiliar place. First this topic, then that. Finally a common
interest, a path out.

What I hate is the small talk that becomes white noise. You get lulled into
a semi-conscious state. Then you are abruptly startled awake. That last
bit of wah-wah-wah was a question and you have no idea what it was.

I remember a great example of small talk gone horribly wrong. It was a Dilbert cartoon strip. Dilbert and his new date are in a restaurant, having lunch and getting to know each other. Dilbert begins the small talk with something like this....

"....so I knew it was either a layer three protocol error or else it was time to recalibrate the scope"

The woman's eyes are beginning to glass over as she stares at him.

Dilbert continues....

""Ha ha! I'll avoid the obvious pun about d-channel packet addressing"

The comic strip ends with the woman coming over the top of the table at Dilbert with a knife in her hand.

Small talk gone bad.

If you don't mind--another reason I am crappy at 'talk', though this probably doesn't qualify as small talk--what percentage of your conversation includes gossip? Just sheer discussing personal details or speculation about someone else's private or professional life?

At one of my jobs, I swear it was like 95% Is it really high with most people?

No such luck. This afternoon at work, the big topic was lawn care.

Very small, but I work with one person with wide ranging interests.

I guess I should have tried to assimilate, but I kept thinking--what will they say about me when I walk away?

I swear. One day we all had lunch together--about six or even of us, and as each woman left, she was assassinated.

I prefer lawn care.

Where I work now is not so bad. Gossip is about 50%.

Nope. Almost never experienced it.

Are you kidding? I mean, really.

Lash, I've worked in a few different fields. Most of them there was no particular gossip at all. One of them -- social service in Los Angeles -- was chock-full. It was a badly-run place where everyone was festering with frustration and didn't want to be there and gossip (as well as things to gossip about -- affairs, etc.) was rampant.

It wasn't people I worked with directly -- I was on one section of the building, they were in another, same superiors -- so once I figured out how pervasive it was, I just stopped interacting with them beyond smiles and hellos. I assume that made me a target, but oh well.

I have a rather extensive theory about gossip and power -- those who don't have the latter have a tendency to engage in the former.

Soz--

I think you're right on a couple of points.

The "badly run, festering with frustration" thing was on target. It was horrible. The turn over rate is astronomical.

And, I think you have something with your gossip/power theory.

It (gossip) surely must be some type of mechanism some people use for social (or professional) positioning.

Thanks for the response.

the reality is, you know who you connect with and who you don't.

Then, there is the area with those you share some interests, but nothing that is going to put you into a category of talking about personal things. Hence, chit-chat, small talk, the ability to find some common interests with the people you share close quarters with at work-- perhaps it's politics, food, beer, travel-- the "I'm going to end it all now by drinking the Palmolive under the staff lounge sink" conversations are: talking about lawn care, home care, children...and the worst of it TV, to name a few.

Nope.

There is a bit now, cos our management is so hopeless that the place is kind of dying on the vine, and people are getting desperate, cos we have to fulfil their functions as well as our own. But we mainly moan about how hopeless they are - and do their goddamn frigging jobs.

Which supports Soz's thesis - which I have always agreed with.

And there was a thing - which I wrote about here, I think, when two very powerful folk on my team had some sort of drama, which affected everyone - but it DIDN'T get talked about - everyone was too frozen. I got back, and insisted it WAS talked about - but not in a gossippy way.

We are kinda too busy - and have too much else to talk about.

Mind you, there could be some gossip going on which I do not know about - I am always kind of hopeless in that direction! There are certainly undercurrents sometimes.

I have been very lucky though, since I began professional work. I have always - except when I worked in rape and sexual assault - been on pretty happy teams. They have had bad moments - but overall very functional and happy.

I'll pipe up to say I have always agreed with Soz's view on gossip and power too, although it is not always across the board true. I've personally associated whining with lack of power.

There is an opposite-effect corollary to that, as well Soz. The ability to keep one's mouth shut, and to prove reliable, gains one access to power. I have worked closely with high-level management people in many jobs, and for business owners as well. If you can keep your yap shut, and prove you can be trusted, you'll be privy to all the secrets the gossipers wish they knew, think they can guess, and are totally clueless about.

(heeheeheeheeheehee . . . i have no idea why, but the radio is playing a very melodramatic rendition of Besa Me Mucho by some Latin baritone right now . . . heeheeheeheeheeheehee . . . )

Actually - I have thought - and I DO miss a lot of gossip!

Just as an example, when I was last studying, I was doing so at, and with some of the folk who workd at, an inpatient ward for mothers of young babies who had a mental illness.

I was waiting for something in the ward, and was treated to the most stunning gossip about the two consultant psychiatrists who were teaching the course, and the rest of the folk!!!!! The place was a maelstrom of gossip. I had not previously heard any of it - everyone else seemed to know.

Nurses are major gossips.

If someone tells me a secret, and convinces me that they sincerely don't want it repeated, i will carry it to my grave . . . drives people nuts.

If i think they're trying to use me to spread a certain version of events, i don't repeat it because i refuse to be someone's patsy . . . drives people nuts.

Very true about the corollary, Setanta.

Lash, yep about social positioning. It's just such a poisonous atmosphere, though, that was one of my absolute worst working experiences. Ratcheted up my cynicism several notches. It was my first job in L.A., fresh out of college, I was just shocked at the soap opera I was plunged into. (Theft, affairs, sexual harassment, and on and on -- at least some of it was confirmed, other things I never ever figured out if they were true or not.)

Lash gets at what I mean by power, that gossip is a way to garner power in a way that whining for example doesn't. (Though a certain kind passive-aggressive whiner does accomplish some things...) The kind of gossip-mongering that is not too particular about whether something is true or not, so if for example you anger an alpha gossip you can be sure that a damaging rumor involving you will be circulating soon. So you're super careful not to anger the alpha gossip.

Bleh.

Exactly on the alpha gossip!

...and her dutiful minions down the food chain...

Bleh!