Before i critique just to point out, it's not so much a poem as prose - not that that's a bad thing, i just get irritated by the lack of distinction.
Quote:The smell, that awful smell,
I like the emphasis, but personally i'd use a different word - reek, odour... i dunno. I just wouldn't repeat myself
Quote:crept into my nostrils as I looked around
I like the fact that you're using past tense... and it's a nice image
Quote:the smell of death, of murder, of the eclipse of life.
I like that phrase - "eclipse of life is a cool image"
Quote:A life is taken, another destroyed, and I see my comrade's body fall to the ground.
You're building a good picture here
Quote:A young boy retches as he slips, slips on the innards of a boy playing fife.
I'd replace the comma with a colon, but in this case the repetition works - well it does if you read it out loud and put emphasis on it
Quote:In the distance, gunshots are heard,
not quite as strong as some of your other imagery
Quote: and a new sun lifts from the face of the earth,
only to be drowned in the cold winter night.
but i like this image a lot
Quote:As timpanies boom, and trumpets sound, I slip deeper into my cold dark sleep.
Could you come up with a better word than "boom" or "sound"? It doesn't sound very thought out
Quote:As the world fades, I begin to realize
that I am dieing, so I close my eyes.
Nice to end it with a little bit of rhyme. I don't like it as much of some of the earlier lines as it's neither totally explicit and cutting or any of your lovely imagery. But it's a nice end
To conclude: Good imagery, some lovely turns of phrase. I think you could build it up more, but it has DEFINITELY got potential and i do like it! Well done, keep writing!
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