Colors Inside

Eric, very nice poem. I think that with some editing, it would be fantastic.

I would change it like so:

If only you could see
the colors inside of me.
Through the prism of my soul;
reds, browns, blues and grays--
sometimes white, on better days.

We reap the harvest
of deeds we have done;
they color our way,
and make us who we are.

If only you could see
the colors inside of me.
Through the prism of my soul,
they shine like gold.

--------------

to see which words I changed look below

If [only] you could see
The colors inside of me
Through the prism of my soul
Reds, browns, blues and grays
Sometimes white on better days
I am color wheel <--delete
That certain mood that you feel <--delete
Cycling into every pure hue <--delete
In precious meanings of you <--delete
That only life could construe <--delete
Colors that are true <--delete
Inside like the sun <--delete
We reap the harvest
Of deeds we have done
They color our way
And make us who we are [del]today [/del]
If [only] you could see
The colors inside of me
Through the prism of my soul
They shine like gold...

It doesn't quite say as much

Eric,

I'm glad you don't feel butchered

hue, you, construe, true...it was just too much rhyming, too close together.

Quote:

It doesn't quite say as much

I didn't grasp the meaning of those lines, they seemed to mean nothing, or to be repeating things from other lines

Sometimes, leaving out the word which obviously rhymes can be interesting, which is how I felt about the "today"

I agree with the segment having too many rhymes but I do not know if I can drop the color wheel thing...

Liked it very much! Reminded me of the books I read on the colors of the aura of man, and their meaning.

AE

But it is when light becomes burdened that these colors show...

I just like the poem the condensed version and the long version

More than the paints neatly lined in a row
On my shelf in the den- with their colorful show-

My opinions and views and the words that flow
From my thoughts, and the bits I claim to know-

Comes the picture I paint in the minds who see
What is really the colorful part of me.

Each reading or babbling from my lips set free
Gives you the picture before my entry. OUI??